Quote: Sex with W is twice a month at most, and these days, I'm just letting W initiate when she feels like it. I tried a "sex twice a week" experiment during September, and it failed to really do much for me (besides making me feel like the last 2 times W gave me "mercy sex" to appease me). I'm finding ways to drown my sex drive because I know that that's not the #1 "thing" to work on. There are tons of other issues.
I actually think S is a big issue and if sexual issues can be overcome, a lot of other issues are overcome. I know this was one of the big cases with my H and I. It's not that I did not want S. When we first met and our early years my SD was always HD. As responsibilities came along, 3 kids and life, and as my figure changed, I became extrememly tired #1 and #2 didn't feel physically confident. The drive was still there but I didn't feel like I did when I was younger. I let these things get in the way. I recently watched Lighthisfire videos. Dr. Ellen Kriedman talks a lot about the same things that Michele does but has some of her own information. Women could technically live without S (many don't want to) and not get physically sick. Men cannot live without that release or they actually get physically sick. I never knew this. Michele suggests that women do it whether they feel like it or not. This is what I would say is mercy S, or as you mention "to appease me".Many re-learn what it feels like. In the beginning we give each other lots of attention and affection. There's never a need to complain. I know there is a possibility that my H does not love me the way he used to and at first the S seemed empty but I see it slowly changing and the feelings are starting to come back.
Another thing is to go away a few times a year or at least be children free. This makes me feel better knowing that my 6,4 or 3 year old will not be visiting us in the middle of the night. I can do all those naughty things my H likes with no worries. Plus a change of scenery is good for both a man and woman. I can tell you that for at least the last 6 years I was suffering from mild depression and never really acknowledged it. Chronic stress leads to depression and both lower lobido. Now that I unloaded my schedule a little by working less and I have taken a break from school, I have more energy and feel more in the mood. I remember reading some of your other posts and mentioning that you can have an A with a job or anything else that takes you away from your R with your S. Eventually, the M just breaks down. Now that I am giving my H more attention he is starting to do more for me. I followed all these techniques in DBing and it's starting to payoff. I think I am finally free of the OW. I know my H probably thinks of her once in a while but I can tell that he is closer to me than he has been in years. Do you go to MC? I selected a male MC for my H's sake and I'm glad I did. The turning point was when my MC asked my H what feelings have to do with making a decision. I think my H was able to make a decision to either stay or go and now it seems that his feelings of anger and resentment are fading.
