i'm at work, and this is an old machine, can't figure out how to quote here, so just bear with me
You say you feel that anything you do won't be enough. I agree, it won't. I went through years of feeling that if I could only find the magic formula, if I lost x lbs, or kept the house so clean, if I did everything the way H wanted me to, then things would be ok.
I made myself crazy. And miserable. I felt like I was running around for him, didn't have a life of my own, and wasn't getting any of my needs met. All I was doing was building up resentment, not helping the R. If you do things around the house, do them for you, or because you want to help W out. Why not write up a chore schedule, if she doesn't like it, ask her to comment and help ammend it? Tell her you feel like you're carrying more than your share of responsibility and you need help - if she won't, then you'll pay for it.
We need Jenny here to remind us not to exchange favors (or anything else) for sex. It doesn't work, and ends up making both parties miserable.
i'm at work, and this is an old machine, can't figure out how to quote here, so just bear with me
You say you feel that anything you do won't be enough. I agree, it won't. I went through years of feeling that if I could only find the magic formula, if I lost x lbs, or kept the house so clean, if I did everything the way H wanted me to, then things would be ok.
I made myself crazy. And miserable. I felt like I was running around for him, didn't have a life of my own, and wasn't getting any of my needs met. All I was doing was building up resentment, not helping the R. If you do things around the house, do them for you, or because you want to help W out. Why not write up a chore schedule, if she doesn't like it, ask her to comment and help ammend it? Tell her you feel like you're carrying more than your share of responsibility and you need help - if she won't, then you'll pay for it.
We need Jenny here to remind us not to exchange favors (or anything else) for sex. It doesn't work, and ends up making both parties miserable.
she likes to "show off" the kids when we're with relatives so the relatives will see how smart the kids are or how cute the kids are and therefore think that we're doing a good job as parents.
she "brags" to others about the good comments that her boss at work makes about her
she "overenhances" personal tasks so that she looks good (example: she used to walk on the treadmill 2-3 times a week but she'd represent herself to others as "I walk the treadmill 2 miles every day.")
when something is good, she identifies it as hers instead of ours or says that she did it instead of both of us
Maybe I'm just bitchin' about nothing here. I dunno.
We need Jenny here to remind us not to exchange favors (or anything else) for sex. It doesn't work, and ends up making both parties miserable.
I do NOT do my daily/weekly tasks in the hopes of generating sex. I do them because A) no one else will, and B) I like a tidy house where I can find things where they're supposed to be. My conscience is too stressed when things aren't "right" and I have time to do them.
Quote: In what specific ways does her happiness depend on you?
Did I say or imply that her happiness was dependent on me? Hmmm... if that were true, she should be very happy. I'm giving her plenty of time to do her own thing around the house (currently, she's attempting to do some quilting with her new sewing machine). If I were the typical lug, I'd be expecting her to cook dinner every night and I'd sit in my chair and read the paper/watch TV while she got the kids bathed and ready for bed. Instead, I'm doing a lot (most?) of these things and letting her have time to herself. So, I don't think she's depending/dependant on me for happiness.
Quote: What is she requesting of you? Does she want you to compliment her or what?
The problem is, she's not requesting anything from me. She's not interacting with me about anything besides common everyday issues (what happened at work, where we're going this weekend, something that she wants to be reminded to do the next morning, etc.). She's not asking me if I'm happy or not. She says things to get a reaction from me sometimes (such as, "well I guess I'll just stay fat" or "I don't know how you put up with me"), and I just don't react.
Quote: I can see how she looks for validation from others but I don't see where she seeks it from you, except that she wants you to help with kids and house. Can you elaborate?
See, I don't think she "bothers" to look for validation from me because I give it in little bits every now and then. Plus, I know "the truth" of her life as it is since I live with her. She can't BS me like she can BS everyone else. When the kids are old enough, she won't be able to BS them either.
This must be a bitchy day for me. Can a guy PMS? lol
Chris, I went back and read your original post again and it said something along the lines of "I wish her happiness didn't have so much to do with my own happiness." I think I misinterpreted what you were trying to say there. Sorry!
So you are saying that she brings you down? Is that it?
What are some ways that you can be happy that don't involve her moods? (short of an A, of course!) If it were me, I think I would think of some very specific goals on what you want out of your M. I want one night per week alone with my wife. I want her to initiate 50% of the time. I want verbal affirmation that I am doing a good job as a husband and father.
ETC.
Then be willing to show this to your wife and ask for her cooperation in meeting these needs and building a good marriage. In return, ask her how you can better meet her needs.
I went back and read your original post again and it said something along the lines of "I wish her happiness didn't have so much to do with my own happiness." I think I misinterpreted what you were trying to say there. Sorry!
It's ok, I was a little vague. FF had mentioned that my W is probably sensing that I am not happy. I am not happy mostly because W is not working on getting out of her rut. So, it's cyclical... a Catch 22.
Quote: So you are saying that she brings you down? Is that it?
No, I don't think W brings me down, per se. She casts a gloom over things. Living with a depressed person is difficult.
Quote: What are some ways that you can be happy that don't involve her moods? (short of an A, of course!)
Uhhh... gee, funny question. I'll have to think about that. I like your suggestions, though.
Quote: Whaddya think.
Can you be my W? I promise we can try to be like the NOPs.
Chris, my personal definition of living with a depressed person is that it is like trying to play with a dead dog. No matter how many times you throw that ball, the dog still won't run.
Can a guy PMS? lol
