I can identify with how you feel. I don't initiate either, because I want him to feel he wants me. Sure, he initiates about once every month and a half, when HE feels the need or maybe its that he is afraid I will leave if he doesn't. I have struggled with this for months now. I have not forced him to face HIS demons. I cannot make him face them, but I can push him in the right direction, if he wants to keep me. I don't know when that will happen, me forcing him to face it all, but it will eventually. I feel for you, I really do. Its so hard to tell the person you love and are married to that things just are not right.
HP- apparently, I don't know if W has desire or not, which is why I'm in this sitch. I don't know that it matters much to me at this point in time, as long as we're ML. W could be just satisfying urges for sexual activity when she puts on the porno and MBs and expects me to join along in the activity. I have no idea if I should get picky.
Perhaps a better description would have been "LD tendency" instead of "lack of desire."
Uhhhh... she doesn't want to ML 3 times per week, I do (well, at least 2 times ). W is content to go 3 weeks between LM sessions, and it's only when I wait the 3 weeks that she'll "seek me out" and initiate. Otherwise, it's alllll me baby... the initiating machine.
It is my interpretation that she goes along with the LM because she wants to be able to say in the future, "hey I never denied you when you wanted sex." If, as during my September experiment, we ML 7 times in 2 weeks, the last 2-3 times "feel like" mercy sex on W's part, as if she got tired of it and just went through the motions to appease me. I don't know where desire fits in.
I think I need to figure out a way to be happy even though I hate my M sitch. After all, I love my kids and don't want to be away from them. There's not much I can do to change my W and her self-esteem issues, and those will be a roadblock forever, until she decides to do something about them.
Yesterday, W's mom said something to her that went in one ear and out the other. W said something like: "this little kid came up to me at daycare and said, 'you're fat' and her teacher came over and apologized. I said to the teacher, 'no, that's OK, it's true'" Her mom replied: "well, if you don't like what you see in the mirror or how you are then you can always do something about it." W said nothing.
How does a H "hang on" for months/years, all the while his W does nothing about a situation that she dislikes, hoping that she'll wake up one day and feel like "getting in shape" again? It's not making my life any easier by holding my tongue.
Quote: I think I need to figure out a way to be happy even though I hate my M sitch. After all, I love my kids and don't want to be away from them. There's not much I can do to change my W and her self-esteem issues, and those will be a roadblock forever, until she decides to do something about them.
Yes, yes, yes! (about being happy)
That's just it. You need to take care of yourself. If you have no other reason, then look at those two little angels you have there, that should give you enough reason!
There's no way you can get inside your W's head and figure out why she is what she is. And you can't change her.
I don't know why she 'hangs on', but I can guess: She loves her kids too. She feels stuck, her M is in some kind of rut, H isn't happy, she's not getting any younger, who cares - what's the point?
I'm sorry Chris, I don't mean to be cruel. I know you do a lot for your W. But if you're not happy, she can feel that just as well as you can.
I know it stinks big time to have a S who has obvious needs that we can't do anything about, and they won't either.
I know you've said that you feel that W doesn't want to share what's wrong with her. It may be that she's yelling out to you, and you just don't know what language she's speaking. I'm not talking 'LL', I mean that people in pain cry out in many different ways, which seem to them loud and clear, but can seem like Sanscrit to the rest of the world. I would try to listen more closely, see if you can pick up a few clues which might give you the key to start deciphering her code.
How much free time do you have together? What if you started taking Ds out for a walk each afternoon, invited W along? Kids are a great connector - it's easy to be happy because they are, and the walking, or going to the park to run around (not so good 'cause it's easy to just sit and watch) would be good for your W.
I know for me, the biggest motivator would be to have a strong, loving H who cared about me, and had the hots for me. I know if my H would say to me 'I love you and think your hot anyway' and REALLY meant it, I would want to look the best I possibly could for him!
Quote: I'm sorry Chris, I don't mean to be cruel. I know you do a lot for your W. But if you're not happy, she can feel that just as well as you can.
I know it stinks big time to have a S who has obvious needs that we can't do anything about, and they won't either.
I do so much on a daily basis to make things run smoothly in the Moo household, but W isn't happy anyway, so I feel like it doesn't matter what I do anymore. Then, when I forget to do something or (like this morning) don't get to it before W notices, W makes a comment like, "how come you didn't do [XYZ]??" My answer this morning: "I just didn't get to it yet."
I wish W's happiness didn't have so much to do with my own happiness. Then again, she looks to others all the time for validation of herself, so why am I surprised? I just feel like anything I do will not be enough.
i'm at work, and this is an old machine, can't figure out how to quote here, so just bear with me
You say you feel that anything you do won't be enough. I agree, it won't. I went through years of feeling that if I could only find the magic formula, if I lost x lbs, or kept the house so clean, if I did everything the way H wanted me to, then things would be ok.
I made myself crazy. And miserable. I felt like I was running around for him, didn't have a life of my own, and wasn't getting any of my needs met. All I was doing was building up resentment, not helping the R. If you do things around the house, do them for you, or because you want to help W out. Why not write up a chore schedule, if she doesn't like it, ask her to comment and help ammend it? Tell her you feel like you're carrying more than your share of responsibility and you need help - if she won't, then you'll pay for it.
We need Jenny here to remind us not to exchange favors (or anything else) for sex. It doesn't work, and ends up making both parties miserable.
). W is content to go 3 weeks between LM sessions, and it's only when I wait the 3 weeks that she'll "seek me out" and initiate. Otherwise, it's alllll me baby... the initiating machine.
