Got home last night and W ignored me. I think I tried twice to engage her in answering a question, then left her alone and went about my business, doing odd jobs outside.
Eventually W had to say something to me, and I did a good job acting-as-if. At one point I reached out to scratch her back (her LL is physical touch), and she pulled away, saying she did not deserve any affection from anyone.
She said I was right to say she was a horrible person because she is. I didn't say anything. W said she had cried all day, but she didn't blame me anymore.
Before bed W sat next to me on couch to use laptop computer. I started scratching her back, and she told me not to, that she didn't deserve it. I just kept scratching and W finally allowed herself to enjoy it. W reminded me she was going to C the next day (today) as soon as the kids got on the school bus to take a MMPI? before her scheduled appointment with her C.
This morning as I was leaving I told W that I did not want the way I talked yesterday to be our future, that I did not want to live or act that way. W told me not to apologize, I interupted her and said I wasn't trying to apologize, I was trying to explain that I truely want to be different and put all this behind us.
W reverted back to how it didn't matter because she was a horrible person, and she deserved everything bad I said about her, but that some of it was my fault that she was this way. I didn't try to answer, I just said, "I want our future to be different than our past" and asked W if she was going to get ready to go to C.
W asked if I was going to watch the kids until they got on the bus so she could dry her hair, I said sure and W went to dry her hair.
I hope W takes my heart-felt desire to have a happy family WITH her as seriously as she seems to take my outbursts of anger. I'm still surprised at how much of what I say W actually does hear, even though I can't tell she hears me, or emphatically denies what I'm trying to say.
