Guess I left this board with my sitch in a bit of a down spin. I’m happy to share I quickly pulled out of the nose dive of jealousy and had a really good R for a little while. Until this weekend.
I’ve had stress piling up on me, and Saturday I was working a wrestling tournament. On the way there my transmission went out on my car, I was left with only first gear. I called W to share my predicament, and prepare her to start thinking about figuring out how to afford a new vehicle for me. W was fairly supportive, and asked if I wanted her to come get me, which I declined since I was almost at the school.
Sunday I got ‘lay-on-the-bathroom-floor’ sick with the flu, and was unable to even sit with the family for Easter Dinner. W cooked a whole lot but didn’t allow herself to enjoy it, and actually got angry at the messy, cluttered kitchen all the cooking caused. S13 and I tried to offer encouraging affirmations, mine were spoken weakly from the couch – saying how good it smelled.
W’s anger has built and built from there. Monday, while I was checking car prices on-line, I called W for some verbal encouragement, but before I even got a chance to say anything, W unloaded on me about how horrible her life was, and proceeded to blame everything on me. When W started F’ing me I hung up.
Last night, in-between bashings that everything was my fault, W managed to share that she was realizing she was deliberately sabotaging her M so it would be ruined just like she felt, that she was treating me meanly so I would reject her just like everyone else (her father) did. I
For the most part I’ve just kept my tongue, and if I say anything at all it’s just to clarify or to ask W to explore something she said. This is a big 180 for me, to ask questions rather than make statements. I still need a lot of work at it, and most importantly, W needs time to realize I'm not making statments - W's response to anything I say when she is unloading isn't based on what I've said.
Today at our MC, W totally unloaded on the MC too. Not blaming or directing anger at her, but a lot of mistrust and frustration. I don’t think I have every really understood the depth and breadth of W’s rage and how confused and scared and unhappy it makes her. W claims, and I believe her, to have been sexually abused as a pre-teen, but I believe W’s parent’s D was the main abuse resulting in W’s current problems with rage.
I had planned to use the MC session to talk about my need for W to not talk with OM. Just last week she admitted her continued phone contact with OM, and claimed to have stopped answering or returning his calls. I haven’t been able to start a constructive conv to bring the subject up, but I felt the need to share that during my research on where to cut costs, I ran some cell phone usage summaries and 98% of our local usage was to OM. I never got to the topic in MC, and now I’m probably going to wait until the next billing cycle anyway, but I don’t know what I’m going to do if OM’s number comes up on the report.
W ran an errand tonight and I started cleaning the garage, something W has been on my about since Christmas. I've given her space, but last time she came downstairs she seemed a little more at peace than earlier.
