Thanks PeterS, having you point out that my W is all over the place was the reminder I needed that I have to do my best to remain steady.
Things are rapidly falling apart again, and my home life is destroying my work life. I'm at a point I really need a partner, and the best I get from W is that she is not worth being a W, that she doesn't blame me anymore.
MC today, went very well – W tends to monopolize time talking about her issues. MC redirected W to think about how can we apply her personal situations to our R a couple times, and I chimed in a couple times and asked how her personal reactions affected me. W didn’t mind and actually volunteered some actions she can take that she thinks may improve our R. W realized if she stops blaming me, I will feel better and treat her better.
For example, Monday we were having a good discussion about the symptoms of bi-polar manias. I told W I thought her As were a symptom of reckless, inappropriate sexual behavior. W said her As were conscious actions based on her feeling that our M was over, and that it was my fault for making her feel that way and if I had been a good H she wouldn’t have needed to go to the doctor and would never have been misdiagnosed Bi-polar, so she should have never married me, this whole thing was my fault. W proceeded to blaming me for everything that ever happened to her. A couple times I was able to redirect the conv to a neutral topic, but within three sentences, W worked herself back to blaming me. Several times screaming at me, getting right in my face. I told wife several times I couldn’t talk or listen anymore, but she just kept on until I finally grabbed my pillows and went downstairs to sleep on the couch.
This happened Monday night. Tuesday morning W apologized and said, “sometimes I just need to unload.” I thanked her for apologizing, but said I still felt really bad.
We talked about this example in MC today, and I shared with W that when I feel like blaming someone, I try to replace the word “you” with “I”, which forces me to change what I was going to say and not make blame statements. MC chimed in and shared that “I” statements empower you, they help you claim your feelings and take ownership – all things W is saying she knows she needs and wants to do.
Last week in middle of night W woke up (or was still up, I don’t know) and started screaming how horrible her life was, kicking her legs and thrashing her arms. She ranted and raved and I knew this was a DBing test. I had to do something different. So I simply reached over with one hand and started rubbing her arm. I never said a word – just rubbed her arm and after she calmed down snuggled up close to her. W didn’t say anything about that night until today at MC, when she shared this as something I did that really meant a lot to her. I was just happy she calmed down so I could go back to sleep, but simply rubbing W’s arm instead of trying to talk her down, or react to her emotions made a major deposit in W’s love bank – without me even realizing it.
Maybe wife's Love Language is Physical Touch. Next time you feel like saying that her As were a symptom of reckless, inappropriate sexual behavior, rub her arm instead. Maybe the association with the good feeling it gave her previously will prevent her from responding with how her As were conscious actions based on her feeling that your M was over and that it was your fault for making her feel that way and you I had been a good H she wouldn't have needed to go to the doctor and would never have been misdiagnosed Bi-polar, so she should have never married you, this whole thing was your fault.
Thanx NYSurvivor - W's LL is physical touch, which is alien to me so I need many reminders to just touch her. I actually only talk about W's actions when she brings them up, and have been very careful to share "I" statements. But now that I think about it, we usually aren't touching when we talk. Now I'm wondering how that would have made a difference with what happened this morning.
This morning I saw a letter to W from a lawyer she contacted concerning her malpractice suit. They declined her case, but gave her a referral number for the local Bar Association to find a different lawyer. I asked if she had called the contact number, because the lawyer she is using right now is in Pittsburg.
W became immediately defensive and upset and told me it was none of my business and I was shifting all the blame for this onto her. I tried to ask why she felt I was blaming her by just asking why she was using a lawyer more than 5 hours away, but she started yelling at me to shut-up. I asked her if we could talk about this later and she sort of agreed, but when I tried to ask when we could talk, she kept telling me I was blaming her. She even threw in a comparison to how what I was doing is the same reason I am having trouble with my boss at work.
W finally pushed me out of the way to get a cup of coffee (she was standing in the hallway and had me cornered in the kitchen) and I walked out to my car. I forgot my coffee so I went back inside and W was by the door with the kids waiting for the school bus. As I walked in she said to me, “Look at that,” pointing to something on TV, and laughed about it, as if our argument of 20 seconds ago had never happened.
I recognized three things. 1) W had to have the last word. 2) W had to be in control – I was trying to agree on a future date and time to talk about this and W simply would not even acknowledge that was an option. We would talk about this when and IF she wanted to. 3) I was trying to control the situation and allowed myself to get upset when I recognized I did not have control.
Control and respect. It is what we both need, and are somehow unable to give to each other.
W has gotten into the practice of staying up late, coming to bed after I am asleep, and throwing a fit because I'm snoring. Not just a fit, but a rudely wake me up by kicking me, yelling at me or jerking the covers off the bed fit.
W's B (my BIL) came to live with us last week, at W's request. She was looking forward to it and excited, but today called and said she is at the end of her rope because she doesn't have any "me" time anymore. BIL's been here less than a week.
I've been busy with wrestling practice and tournaments, so BIL hasn't affected me. We get along great and he really is a nice guy. I can't help but wonder if W is pissed because she can't spend her day talking with OM?
She is putting a lot of stress on herself with her medical complaint. It is just a complaint now because the lawyer she paid $850 to said he couldn't do anything for her. The best part........ W borrowed the 850 from my mom ! She did this without telling me - but when we got into an argument about contributing around the house, W threw in my face that I didn't make enough money so she had to borrow money from my mom to pay for her lawyer. I'm not sure how that was supposed to hurt me that she had to pay for a lawyer to help her fix the results of her actions, but I was sure upset about it, and it ended the argument because I had to leave in order to calm down.
I've honestly been just coasting for the last few weeks, and really need to buckle down and decide what I want, and how I am going to express my needs proactively, and constructively to W. I keep hoping she will just react to my changes and start making some changes on her own - but that just ain't happening. Right now I'm feeling like there are some people that just are incapable of change, and I happened to marry one.
Couple nights ago I noticed W was spending an extra long time upstairs, so i went to see what was up. She was in our bedroom folding socks, not a highly enjoyable task for her so I joined in. As we are folding socks - W says to me, "I blame you for everything."
She goes on to tell me how every bad thing that has happened to her can be traced back to something i did, and that her future is ruined, all because of me. I'm dumbfounded. Here I am, not saying anything and helping fold socks, and W out of nowhere jumps down my throat. HUGE DBing action by not saying anything, I just keep folding socks. We finish the job and do our own things for the rest of the night. The next morning she's acting like she never said those things.
------------------------------------------------------- BIL update. W kicked him out today. According to W, she just gave him an ultimatum that he had to have a job or move out, and he said he would just leave - and he did. W said she also told him that he was depressing her more than she was ready for - that having him here reminded her of her dad, and her childhood.
I have been supportive of W - but I did tell her that I felt like she set BIL up, inviting him down here with a promise to live and then changing her mind. My main point with W was this should have been a family decision, or at least a family discussion, and no one even really knew anything about it.
W's initial reactions are almost always angry, defensive and include a "counter attack". Recently she has been coming back to me several hours later and acknowledging the point I was trying to make. I need to remember that she is listening, but is so defensive she can't let her guard down during the discussion to acknowledge anything I say.
I need to make my point, take her counter attack without reacting to it, and give her time to absorb and think about what I said.
Quote: W's initial reactions are almost always angry, defensive and include a "counter attack". Recently she has been coming back to me several hours later and acknowledging the point I was trying to make. I need to remember that she is listening, but is so defensive she can't let her guard down during the discussion to acknowledge anything I say.
I need to make my point, take her counter attack without reacting to it, and give her time to absorb and think about what I said.
plk
Way to monitor your results, my friend!!
This was a cheeseless tunnel I used to run down all the time myself. By changing what I did, I got the same results as you found. It should gradually get better, she might get less defensive, and take less time for her to absorb things.
Put this one in the "more of what works" column!!
Great job!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Huge breakthroughs recently. W has accepted responsiblity for her actions. Going through everything we have has helped W bring up and start dealing with many of her issues with her childhood.
W finally reached the end of her rope - and let go. And God caught her.
She still hasn't committed to wanting to meet my needs, but no longer desperately wants out.
Her acceptance of responsibility has given me a new peace about my own acceptance of her As.
I've also realized that it is even more important to keep DBing, and prove my 180s aren't tricks or techniques, but genuine changes. Keep my focus on ME. sounds selfish, but by focusing on what I can do for my W and Family, I worry less about what I think others should do. My positive example, based on action, not words, is getting me what I wanted when I tried to focus on others. Even works with our kids, and I don't have much time left with S13!
Huge breakthroughs at work too, applying the same "unselfish focus on me" approach with my boss.
Oh, plk, this is such wonderful news!!! I am so happy for you. God is so good, isn't He? Making the changes permanent is truly the key.
Speaking of change, I have had a change in my situation, too, and started a new thread detailing what's going on, still in piecing. As usual, I would appreciate any opinions you may have--you have always provided me a fresh male perspective on things, and I appreciate that.
Good luck with your continued successes and may God be with you!
Blessings, LG
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
"Don't let success go to your head, or failure go to your heart"
Screwed up big time last night. We are in the middle of painting D8 bedroom, and cleaning out her room at the same time. We stripped off old wallpaper and scrubbed the walls. When I say we I mean S9, D8 and me. We did this at W's request, and she is not helping. Haven't made a big deal out of it, but taking our time getting it done as a result.
Started project on Saturday, first coat of paint Sunday. There is still a lot of scrap on the floor and needs a second coat of paint - W did absolutely nothing yesterday. At the last minute she scheduled a mom's night out, and told me to hurry home. I did, and on the way home talked to W on cell phone about why she couldn't let S13 babysit?
Ended up having a good conv, by the time I got home, W realized she was overreacting to something the neighbors had not even done, based on a disagreement she had with them and comments they made to her years ago.
I got home, had dinner and decided to relax and play x-box. Somebody posted here telling me to get rid of the x-box, I should have listened to them.
W came home in a good mood, kids where either playing on computer or watching me play x-box game. W told kids to go to bed, I agreed and told them goodnight. Kids wanted to get a snack before bed, and kept coming up with excuses to delay going to bed until W got upset and yelled.
Next thing I know, W is accusing me of not doing anything for the family, that I'm useless, etc. etc. Somehow she pushed exactly the wrong button and set me off and I screamed back at her . I just lost it. After I unloaded, I shut up and turned off the game and TV and left the room. W went upstairs and got ready for bed. I stayed downstairs until W was asleep and then went to bed.
I forced myself to start over this morning and snuggled with W in bed, which she appreciated.
Later today, I called W and she wasn't home. I reached her on her cell phone, and she said she was going to get some "Navy Blue Paint for the front door", but decided not to. This is the level of detail she puts into her lies - Navy Blue paint - and I'm sure the story is just to justify going to OMs work (Walmart). I didn't pursue.
I did my best to act as if, and asked W about a trip to Chicago we are planning in April.
W was very non-committal, and said there wasn't any point in talking. I let it go and told W I was here to listen.
W has recognized she has overcome a lot, and has made some good choices - we argued about something a while back and W wanted to "leave the house", but decided to take a shower and go to bed instead. (I translated "leave the house", to "go see OM").
I've got to take my successes to heart, instead of this recent failure.
According to W, she just gave him an ultimatum that he had to have a job or move out, and he said he would just leave - and he did. W said she also told him that he was depressing her more than she was ready for - that having him here reminded her of her dad, and her childhood.
