MC today, went very well – W tends to monopolize time talking about her issues. MC redirected W to think about how can we apply her personal situations to our R a couple times, and I chimed in a couple times and asked how her personal reactions affected me. W didn’t mind and actually volunteered some actions she can take that she thinks may improve our R. W realized if she stops blaming me, I will feel better and treat her better.
For example, Monday we were having a good discussion about the symptoms of bi-polar manias. I told W I thought her As were a symptom of reckless, inappropriate sexual behavior. W said her As were conscious actions based on her feeling that our M was over, and that it was my fault for making her feel that way and if I had been a good H she wouldn’t have needed to go to the doctor and would never have been misdiagnosed Bi-polar, so she should have never married me, this whole thing was my fault. W proceeded to blaming me for everything that ever happened to her. A couple times I was able to redirect the conv to a neutral topic, but within three sentences, W worked herself back to blaming me. Several times screaming at me, getting right in my face. I told wife several times I couldn’t talk or listen anymore, but she just kept on until I finally grabbed my pillows and went downstairs to sleep on the couch.
This happened Monday night. Tuesday morning W apologized and said, “sometimes I just need to unload.” I thanked her for apologizing, but said I still felt really bad.
We talked about this example in MC today, and I shared with W that when I feel like blaming someone, I try to replace the word “you” with “I”, which forces me to change what I was going to say and not make blame statements. MC chimed in and shared that “I” statements empower you, they help you claim your feelings and take ownership – all things W is saying she knows she needs and wants to do.
Last week in middle of night W woke up (or was still up, I don’t know) and started screaming how horrible her life was, kicking her legs and thrashing her arms. She ranted and raved and I knew this was a DBing test. I had to do something different. So I simply reached over with one hand and started rubbing her arm. I never said a word – just rubbed her arm and after she calmed down snuggled up close to her. W didn’t say anything about that night until today at MC, when she shared this as something I did that really meant a lot to her. I was just happy she calmed down so I could go back to sleep, but simply rubbing W’s arm instead of trying to talk her down, or react to her emotions made a major deposit in W’s love bank – without me even realizing it.
