WOW! exactly what I needed to hear, thank you so much!
It is especially interesting how the "dominion over the [animals] of the earth" was included in the first verse, as I returned to work today from a successful whitetail deer hunt.
Many of the people I work with are vegetarians, and very few (if any) harvest their own meat, so of course in addition to the traditional deer/gun pose, I have an action photo of BIL and me skinning and butchering the deer.
LG, your post helped bring a focus to the perspective I had gained from three days of hunting.
It is all in GOD's plan. It is my job to be patient and loving, regardless of W's actions.
If I'm unhappy with things W does, we need to work together to agree on alternative actions. I need to approach these sitchs without offering advice, without "having the answer", and without accusing W.
Yes, plk, it IS your job to be patient and loving, regardless of W's actions because the Lord has appointed YOU the spiritual leader of your home. If you are not leading in your M and home with the help of God, then Satan is. It is as simple as that.
Glad to hear of your successful hunt! My H and my brother are hunters also, although my bro has kept up with it more so than my H has. I have only passively participated in the hunting, skinning and butchering aspects. Not quite my cup of tea, but I know of many women who do actively participate.
Keep on, plk. Work on that focus and refer to the Word daily to help you maintain it.
In His Blessed Name, LG
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
Received some insight from W Sunday night. She was asking me if God would punish her for her sins. We've been sporadically reading the Bible as a family, and reading the old testament, and how God punished the different leaders of Isreal for worshiping idols.
I did my best to reasure her that Jesus Christ paid the punishment for our sins, and she only had to ask Jesus for forgiveness. She said she had, but she was still worried. I found a few references for her, but she said they didn't address what she was obsessing about.
At work Monday, I checked the daily bible verse for Sunday - which spoke directly to W's issue
Quote: Psalm 32:1-5 1 Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. 2 Blessed is the man whose sin the LORD does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit.
3 When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. 4 For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Selah 5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD "- and you forgave the guilt of my sin. Selah
W has been feeling very self conscious about her actions, and said she felt "justified" for a long time, but she doesn't anymore. She is attributing a lot of her actions and poor decisions on being over medicated. She is learning that some of the drugs she was taking can actually produce symptoms of Bi-polar / Manic Depression if they are taken but not needed. She weaned herself off all mental health drugs - been off since June or July, with no ill effects.
This morning as I was getting ready to leave for work, a lady on the Daily Buzz (TV Morning show) was singing a song about honoring the troops in Iraq, "The Bumber sticker on my SUV" or something like that. W immediately started touting her negative opinion about the war and the singer and I reacted by telling her to "shut-up". W left the room. (I really wanted to listen to the song, and couldn't hear over W).
Me telling W to "shut-up" is one of the things we agreed not to do, as soon as I did it I realized it was wrong. After the song I continued getting ready for work and eventually approached W and apologized, saying, "W, I'm sorry I told you to shut-up, I really wanted to...." W interrupts me and says,
"If you were serious about your apology you'd stop right there, and not justify your apology with an excuse."
I raised my voice, but otherwise calmly said, "I'm just trying to explain why I reacted the way I did, I understand you have your own feelings about the war, but at least I'm willing to listen to what other people have to say." I ended the conv by going upstairs.
When I came downstairs, W said, "I'm sorry I didn't listen to what you were trying to share with me."
I made some nice reply (I think it was nice - I don't remember what I said, but W's apology made me feel good), and left for work.
I needed to ask W a legit question and tried to call her, no answer. When I reached her later she said she was probably in the shower. The significance of W not answering the phone, or maybe not being at home, is last week I was looking for something in W's purse, and found a key to OM's place.
I didn't say anything, and it is entirely possible the key is left over from months ago, so I decided to act as if I didn't know she still had the key. I can't throw it away or ask her about it, 'cause then she'll think I'm snooping in her purse. It is also interesting that it is in the same pocket in her purse that she has her wedding ring in. (She actually put her wedding ring on for about 1/2 a day a month or so ago. We were going on a lunch date, and I said something that upset her and the very first thing she did was take it off.)
Anyway, W is reading a book recommended by her C, "Attachments" by Drs. Tim Clinton & Gary Sibcy, and has actually told me, "I think I may be treating you badly becase I'm really upset at my mother, and am feeling used by her."
I didn't pursue, or offer advise, and was honestly unable to contribute to the conv since I wasn't sure what she was talking about. So I'm reading the book before bed when she is taking her "alone" time downstairs so we can talk the same "attachments" language. I just need to be careful not to offer advice (one of my 180s).
W has been seeing her own C, in addition to our MC. I have to be very careful to stick to my 180s so they become real changes, and continue to examine how my actions affect W.
W is continuing to define her feelings and limits, ex:, instead of "leave me alone" W'll say, "I need some me time".
But I'm still having difficulty getting good feedback on what she needs to make her feel good. She continues to tell me "You just don't know what I need," "You should know what I need", "I shouldn't have to tell you what to do to make me happy."
I've been careful to only give advice if W asks me for it. I've been helping out around the house - but not getting (or asking for) credit for it. We attended my work Holiday Party & enjoyed ourselves - inspite of kids getting into a fight and calling us asking us to come home. I took W out to lunch, and scheduled another lunch date with her tomorrow. I'm starting to better balance my own "me time" with "family time". I try to spend some "W time", but I'm not sure I'm getting credit for it. I guess I really don't have a good schedule for "W time".
Maybe I'm expecting the same old things we did that demonstrated a familiarity with each other to work, when now we don't have that familiarity or bond any more.
There is also a lot of stress for W around the holidays. W has admitted several times after she has snapped at me that she is thinking about bad things.
Just found out what one of those bad things is. Literally as I was typing my previous post, W called and said a girlfriend from college asked her to go shopping on Thursday. I told her I was off work, and could watch the kids - no problem.
Right after that, W got real quiet and she was obviously thinking about something. I asked her a couple times what was wrong, and only after almost a minute of silence W finally said, "I've got to tell you something."
She hesitantly said, "I'm not going with girlfriend, a guy I met x yrs ago called me today and said he was in town and wanted to go to lunch with me. We've never "done anything", we've just sporadically talked a couple times a year."
W starts spilling her guts, and says she recognizes there is an old W and a new W, and she started out as the old W, but the new W made her feel bad about it. W goes on and on, saying she wants me to trust her, she doesn't want to be attached to anyone, finally saying, "I will do what ever you tell me to do."
I stuck to my 180 of not giving advice, and tell W, "I'm not going to tell you what to do."
Our conversation involved alot more, concerning her having man friends, and if she would be comfortable introducing me and kids to her man friends, W "passing tests", and seeing this as another test, and me asking if it was a "comprehensive test" or a subject specific test.
I was obviously hurt, but tried to be deliberately neutral in my comments, and I actually said very little. W would answer her own questions without even giving me a change to talk. W's conv was like listening to an angel on her one shoulder and a devil on the other:
"I'm not going to hurt myself anymore. I am fine, he is just a friend. I'm not going to do anything bad. How does this make H feel? Well H should be able to trust me. I can do whatever I want, I don't need your permission."
W finally decided she would ask her C what she should do during her C on Wed. Then she said, "I'm sure she will tell me not to go. That's what you want isn't it?"
I said W should get all the facts before making a decision, and I appreciated her giving me the opportunity to share my POV. I agreed a "third party" opinion would be good.
One of the kids interrupted W (again), so I told W she should spend some quality time with the kids, and I needed to get back to work. She agreed and our conv. ended like this:
W: Okay, good idea, I Love you. me: bye- bye W: I Love you! me: I love you too. W: Okay, bye-bye.
I stopped at the store on the way home to pick W up some frozen peas (we were out - and they are her favorite). I got home about 6:30 and as I pulled into the driveway, W called on cell phone. I answered and W said, "I decided not to go."
I said thank you, Can I walk in the door and we'll talk about it if you want to. W said okay, sure.
I gave kids then wife a hug, and W was visibily happy when I approached her to hug her. We didn't talk about anything though.
I don't think I did a good job of being available for W to talk. We ate dinner as a family, I helped prepare dinner. But after dinner W wanted to watch a TV show, so I went upstairs to play Xbox. W came upstairs at one point and I paused the game and shut off the TV, but W told me to keep playing.
Later when I finally realized how long I had been playing and got ready for bed, W asked me to scratch her. I said I was going to bed and W made a comment about doing what I want all night, but not doing anything for her.
I didn't say much, but did agree to scratch her for 15 minutes. She asked if she should set a timer. I semi-jokingly said, "That would be a good idea." I ended up scratching her foot for close to an hour while we finished watching a movie.
I need to spend less time at home doing my own thing. I do my own thing in activities away from home. Honestly though, I usually only play with the kids, so x-box is a form of family activity.
I have also asked W's "permission" to play - but have pushed that a little too far lately, although W has clarified as long as I meet her needs, it is okay for me to spend time on my own things. Where I get in trouble is forgetting W's LL is physical touch, and me hesitating to rub or scratch her when I'm ready for bed.
Last night for example.
I spent a good portion of the afternoon just holding and listening to W talk about her anxiety over her mom coming for Christmas, so I had built up a pretty good Love Bank credit. I took the boys to karate and dropped D8 off at a friends for a sleep over, so W had total personal time at home for about two hours.
When I got home from karate, I announced I was going to bed, but I couldn't sleep, I just HAD to get past a level on the x-box game (that thing is addicting ). I limited myself to 30 minutes (used the sleep timer on the TV) and actually did get past the level and was at a save point right when the TV turned off .
Feeling pretty good about myself, (how about keeping the x-box as a form of therapy? ) I went downstairs to get a drink and ended up standing in living room entry, watching TV. W saw me and asked for a foot rub, I hesitated and W made a smart remark so I committed to rubbing her feet until the next commercial on TV.
I went to bed and was starting to fall asleep when W climbed in bed w/ me, totally naked. I gave her a full body rub and scratched her for at least an hour - but respected her boundaries. Very sexually frustrating, but worth the investment in our future.
I could have been happier , but I deliberately chose to rub and scratch as an act of love - with nothing expected in return.
Had some trying times, and a few minor backslides, but the Holiday's were very enjoyable.
Significant activities:
W decided on her own that she would not meet this "occasional friend" that she asked me if it was okay if she visited while he was in Columbus.
At least once when I could not reach W, she later explained that she has to shut her phone off so she can avoid answering OM's calls.
W said she made it clear to OM that he needed to find a new "best friend", that they could not continue any type of R.
I took key to OM's place out of W's purse, cut it in half, and as I drove past his house on the way to town threw the pieces out the car window into his driveway. (I did not say a word about any of this to W).
W has shared several times that her wedding ring no longer fits on her finger (neither of us are wearing our rings yet).
After a minor argument, instead of demanding a D, and ranting about needing her own life, W said, "This is my life, and I have to deal with it to be happy."
Variety of trials have piled on top of us - but not yet resulted in arguments. -I damaged the frame of my car -My car windshield cracked -W's truck's windshield cracked -W's truck needs maintenance I don't have time to do, and W can't get in to shop until next week -Microwave oven stopped working -Home computer stopped working -W is getting hit on by a family friend -My major project at work got cut from budget basically putting me out of a job -We have not found a good church family, are attending a church and W likes the messages, but just not a great fit.
During a recent conversation W told me I was being mean. I acknowledged her feelings, apologized and explained I was angry about my car being damaged and that I was transferring that anger. Normally W would comment that doesn't make it okay to treat her badly, but instead she said, "oh, is there anything I can do?" I apologized again and just told her I needed to vent a little.
Some Detailed situations:
MIL & BIL arrived Christmas Eve - everyone was on their best behavior. Sunday morning I was in the process of making a cup of "real" cocoa, and set my mug of cocoa syrup down and the next thing I know W has dumped it and put it in the dishwasher. I didn't say anything but was visibly upset and stormed out of the kitchen, and W made a comment to MIL about, "there is the old plk, I'm glad you get to see what I have to put up with."
A little later I tried to explain to W that I felt she was inconsiderate of me by dumping my cocoa, she said she was just trying to clean-up, I realized I was pursuing and shut-up, which W again took as me being aloof, and mean. I just gave W space, started acting as if, one of the kids did something funny and all was well.
Couple days after MIL left, W approached me about how she felt "used" and "manipulated" by her M just wanting to see GKids. She was going to call M and tell her off. I asked her what she wanted to accomplish by telling M off. W said she just wanted M to acknowledge that W's childhood was traumatic, and that their relationship could / should be better. W understood when I asked if telling her mother off was going to get her what she wanted, or just upset her M; if she wanted to upset M - tell her off, otherwise rethink what she wanted to say. W did call M, and did confront her, using "I" statements like "I feel manipulated in that you only wanted to see the Gkids", "I don't feel like we have a close R". W was very calm and considerate and gave MIL time to respond and they ended up having a 1 1/2 hour phone conv that ended positively.
I think the significance of this it two fold. Mainly, W made a deliberate choice to NOT have the conv while MIL was visiting (she almost canceled MIL coming at all), and was able to have a calm conv after she had thought about it for a while. Secondly, W sought out my advice - and I was careful to not tell W what I would do, but give advice in a manner that W was able to accept, think about and use.
On to the topic of this post's title. A family friend from a previous church called out of the blue to talk to W about a traumatic experience in his family. He steered the conv from how he always respected her to how attractive she was, and has called at least twice more, with the only topic of the 2nd and 3rd calls how "hot" W is and how attracted he is to her.
W told him immediately not even to look down that road because that road was shut, but W continued to listen to him and let him talk. She has a genuine and real concern for his mental health due to the recent family situation he is dealing with.
After the last phone call, W shared with me how violated and angry she felt that he would continue to talk to her this way. I supported her and suggested she agree to meet him somewhere public, but that I accompany her so we are both there when he arrives. W was afraid he would feel betrayed and that might push him off an emotional cliff she feels he is teetering on. W's C thought that was a funny idea, but agreed probably not the best thing to do to him. W's C encouraged W for feeling angry that he was treating her this way. W has committed to being even more firm with him, but is scared. His D is spending tonight at our house (sleepover with our D8), and will arrange pick-up sometime on Sat. W called his W to discuss sleep-over arrangements, hoping she would be home Sat - but she is working. I am working Sat too, so W has asked to talk to me about possible alternatives to W and him being alone with kids when he picks up his D.
). I limited myself to 30 minutes (used the sleep timer on the TV) and actually did get past the level and was at a save point right when the TV turned off 
. 
) I went downstairs to get a drink and ended up standing in living room entry, watching TV. W saw me and asked for a foot rub, I hesitated and W made a smart remark so I committed to rubbing her feet until the next commercial on TV.
, but I deliberately chose to rub and scratch as an act of love - with nothing expected in return.