I think the frustration, anger and depression is worse now than when I first found out about W's As. I've been off this BB for longer than I should have, which I'm sure contributed to how far I've backslid.
At first I was confident, and applied DB techniques fairly consistently, demonstrating physical affection (not sexual), buying flowers and cards, pitching in and helping around the house without being asked, basically trying to cover all the LL bases and figure out which was her primary.
But I didn’t get anything back. I was expending all this “love energy”, and never getting anything back to fill up my tank.
Even after my deliberate efforts, W claims I never help around the house, never do anything to help her with the kids, that all I do is bring her down. Granted I probably do bring her down now, because I’m in such a foul mood after having W continually claim that months of my efforts did not happened.
So I try to back off and give W space, but even after I tell W, “I’m in an awful mood and really just need to be left alone right now.” W will ask, “why are you in a bad mood?” She simply will not take, “I don’t want to talk about it right now” or “I’d rather talk about this later” as an answer.
For example. I took a week for myself to travel to a wrestling tournament in Tempe, AZ and had a great time. Even sent postcards to W, D8, S9 and S12. By the end of the week, I was anxious to get home, and went to the airport early to catch an earlier flight. But the whole drive home from the airport, all I could think about was catching OM with W at my house.
OM wasn’t there, but W was on the phone upstairs and did not hear me come in. Kids were excited to see me, but we were quiet so I could surprise W. While I was waiting for W to finish her phone conversation, I picked up W’s cell phone to reset the call timers (it was Oct 31). When I opened her cell phone there were 3 missed calls from OM. I just snapped her phone shut and put it back and resolved to not let it bother me. They were missed calls – so she didn’t answer them, right?
Kids were finally noisy enough for W to come downstairs. She saw me and said, “What are you doing home? I’m on the phone with (girlfriend), I’m almost done,” walked over to the counter, took her cell phone and walked back upstairs.
Now I’m upset. I don’t know what I was expecting, but not even a, “how was your flight?”
W came downstairs later and I do my best to avoid her, which she immediately picks up on and follows me around the house asking, “What did I do wrong, why are you mad at me”.
I’m in a lose/lose situation, if I share what I’m upset about, it will start a fight, if I try to avoid the situation, W picks a fight. I finally tell W, “I’m upset because the first thing I see when I come home are phone calls from OM, and the first thing you do when you find out I’m home is grab your phone to delete the call records. What am I supposed to think?”
W goes into her usual, “You have no idea what I’m going through, Look how you treat me, Why don’t you just move out, I can’t wait to D and get out of here, etc.etc.”
After several days of half-hearted attempts to talk with W, my mood gets worse and worse. I can’t even look at W. Our conversations turn into fights as soon as I attempt to explain that none of my needs are being met, and not just sexual needs.
To W’s credit, she calls MC for an “emergency” appointment. Unfortunately it was at a time I already had a meeting scheduled. I told W that I was already in a bad mood, and if she expected me to participate in MC, knowing I was missing a meeting, we wouldn’t get anything out of the C session.
I’ll post more about the MC session in the next few days.
That was exactly the point I wanted to share and get comments about. I spent the last couple months giving our R time - not work, just time.
Time erodes and wears down. For example, my car is showing the wearing affects of time, and my lack of work to maintain it. I haven't washed or waxed my car in years, and now it is rusting, paint is peeling and the car just looks bad. If I want my car to look better, I can't just wait. I've got to sandblast the paint off, down to the bare metal, start with a good primer and put a new coat of paint on.
I suppose I could just paint over the rusted and chipped spots, in fact I have. But the rust eventually works back through, and the paint doesn't match anyway.
I've been doing the same thing in my M. Instead of working with W to sandblast through all the rust and crude in our R to get to the foundation of our M, I've been hoping that time would heal our wounds. bah!
If we don't WORK, things don't get better, so I think it may be more appropriate to say "work heals all wounds". Of course work takes time, so I suppose you could equate work with time to say the adage is still true, but I've seen the same type of equation balancing that proves that girls are evil.
Fortunately W has started to realize she has to work also, and listened to MC when she went by herself Monday. W actually practiced a basic active listening skill - twice now! - by summarizing and saying back to me what I had just been talking about.
The first time it happened I realized what she was doing and told her how good that made me feel, and she admitted that MC told her to do it. But she did it again this morning, so there is hope that she is interested in a genuine change. But this is dangerous ground - placing hope in W's changes.
I have to stay focused on what I am going to do. I have to get back to the foundation of our M - my dedication to W that I would do my best to enjoy life, and enhance her enjoyment of life.
I cannot depend on W to enhance my enjoyment of Life. I'm counting on her to eventually do that again, but I can not wait on it. I think that is the basis for many of the DB techniques. If something is making you unhappy - or your S unhappy - do something different! Don't just give it time.
While being still according to Psalm 37 in my own situation, I had to learn that being still does NOT mean being passive or a door mat. We must let the Lord do His work, but we must do what we can also. So I continue to do things differently as they come to me to see what works. Some changes are good and some not so good. I try to stick with the good changes that work for me, but I do my best to stay out of the Lord's way too.
Time is still a necessary part of the healing and changing process. But you are so very right, time alone is not enough.
Praying for many blessings for you and W, LG
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
MC today. Probably our best C yet. I was able to share some core things that were bothering me, and W was attentive and we were able to identify several R derailers we use on each other.
W admitted to saying things deliberately to hurt me, and I think recognized that hurting me does not get her what she wants, even if it is a D. (W has claimed we could always be good friends, and hurting me doesn't make me friendly) W shared how hurtful and disrespectful me telling her to shut-up is (I didn't go into the fact that shut-up comes after several "leave me alone right now" or " be quiet I'm....") - the point was I had no idea saying "shut-up" was so demeaning to W.
I also reviewed my Journal before MC, and read my DR Step 2 Action oriented Goals, and realized that 90% of them were being met! While that seems like a good thing, I think it also explains why I've been so discouraged. I had never taken credit for the accomplishments, and more importantly have not established new goals to continue the improvement process.
There were somethings that looking back through my journal were extremely hurtful, but I realized I was hurting already, and the insight gained from reviewing my past to take credit for what has been accomplished is encouragement - at least enough to get me through today.
I think we read DB & DR & LL & MMWV etc. and are encouraged by the success stories and practical application examples and forget our Ses have to run the race with us, and they don't have the same drive to accomplish the same things we do.
I know at first I was all encouraged and dedicated and then realized I had to wait for W to catch up, and somewhere I forget I was trying to win the race - I forgot I was even in a race - and allowed discouragement to get the best of me.
Actually had a good heated conversation this morning.
I came downstairs committed to showing physical affection, only W slammed into me right away for moving her diskman. I found it for her, right where she put it, but she kept on about people leaving her stuff alone.
Instead of rebutting her statement, I told her she was so focused on blaming other people for things that she convinced herself her diskman wasn't were it was supposed to be, even though she was looking right at it. (She refused to believe the one I found was her's until I pointed out we only own four personal CD Players and they were all right there.)
Instead of rebutting my statement, she said I may have a point and that she did get angry right away.
A little later W started in on something else that was bothering her and I forgot my 180 to not offer advice and started in on what I thought she could do. She immediately cut me off, but instead of an argumentative comment, she said, "I don't want your input, I just need to vent and I want you to listen."
I said, "Okay, I'm just listening" and the morning got off to a good start after all!
Had a great day shopping with the whole family on Saturday, but maybe pushed it too hard. Shopping really isn't my thing, but I enjoy being out with the family. But I was really depressed Sunday / this morning.
W went grocery shopping Sunday afternoon, and I messed up twice. Before she left I asked her who she was going to see. She replied if she was going to see someone she would tell me.
Then after she had been gone for about an hour (she only had four things on her shopping list and the store is 15 minutes away) I called her on her cell to see if she was still at the store and ask her to get something else we forgot to put on her list. She said she was still at the store and had just started shopping!?!?!?
I asked what was taking her so long.
W asked me if I was going to let her be her own person, or if I wanted her to wear a bell around her neck. In a light tone of voice, I told her I wanted her to wear a bell and said goodbye.
I didn't make a big deal out of anything when W came home, and she mostly avoided me while I dozed on the couch.
This morning I was late leaving the house, and as I was getting coffee, W's cell phone rang. I was right by it, so I picked it up to give it to W, and saw OM's work #. I stopped in midstep toward W, opened the phone (auto-answer on open), and snapped it shut again, then put the phone back on the counter.
W just looked at me and then came over and picked up phone to look at the number. She said, "Oh, he does still call me. I haven't figured out how to tell him to leave me alone. Maybe you could tell him for me, or you can do whatever you want."
I could not say anything without blowing up, so I continued getting my coffee. Before I left W and I exchanged some good mornings and a quick discussion about the days events.
W established several months ago that her mother was a contributing factor to her lack of self esteem, and after a horrible phone confrontation, forbid anyone in the family to speak to her mother. She told her mother not to call or send anything to us, and has enforced this by not answering the phone when she calls (caller ID), and confiscating packages sent to kids.
We've been through this, "I'm not talking to you, don't talk to me or my family" at least twice before over our 13 yrs of M, but never to this extent.
Anyway, while W was out-of-town, MIL called. Kids answered the phone (why should I get off the couch? it's usually their friends calling anyway), and it was Grandma. W would have grabbed the phone and hung up, but instead I allowed the kids to talk to Grandma. After kids were done, she insisted on them giving me the phone.
I really didn't want to talk to her, but am not the type of person to blatantly insult someone by brushing them off like that, so I did listen to her, but my end of the conversation was uh huh, yeah, no.... Rather than go into all the details, I'll just say I agree with W about her mother being a negative, selfish influence.
After MIL hung up, I told the kids there was no reason to keep this a secret from Mom, but there was also no reason to tell her unless she asked. Week goes by and all is good, until yesterday.
The kids get in the mail cards from Grandma, congratulating them on their good grades (which they told her about on the phone). And of course W's counsellor has suggested that letters from Grandma should be okay, as long as she reads them first.
So now W knows we talked to her Mom, and is giving me the nth degree about betraying her.
I've been relatively good about not arguing, but I have tried to explain that I am not going to set an example to our kids that it is alright to disrespect a parent by hanging up on her.
W has a legitimate emotional need to separate herself from her Mom, but now blames me for betraying her for not doing the same.
Had a wonderful visit yesterday with my parents and my side of the family. 3 hour drive arriving home at 1:00 am was actually pleasant too.
Slept in and missed church, but the day started well. W started cleaning, and I did a few things to help. Just before dinner (I was preparing leftovers) I noticed W had thrown away a metal camping mug I had brought home from Iraq.
W's concept of cleaning is to throw away everything that is not hers, but I thought we had arrives at a compromise. I've acknowledged I am a pack rat, and W has acknowledged she is obsessive about elminating visible clutter. So if there is something left out that is mine, W asks me about it, or puts in in a box in the garage.
I immediately confronted W, who was upstairs doing laundry, and screamed at her to please stop throwing my things away.
I realized almost immediately I reacted badly - ok terribly, but W picked up on it and just kept going. I tried to escape, but now W was pursuing, and almost immediately W was back at I'm leaving and taking the kids. The kids were sitting down for dinner, I'm trying to politely ignore W so she will be quiet. As I sit down I ask W if she will join us for dinner. Instead she asks the kids who wants to live with her.
All three kids, without hesitation, say they want to live with me. W doesn't believe it, and asks them each in turn if they want to live with her. Each in turn say, "I want to live with Daddy". I felt sick when D8 said, "I'm sorry Mommy, but I want to stay with Daddy."
W went upstairs and I heard the shower running, we started dinner, and after awhile I went upstairs to just listen to W, whom I knew had to be devastated.
But when I got upstairs, W hadn't bothered to put the shower curtain back up after cleaning the bathroom. Water is pouring all over the floor. I grabbed several towels and tell W that the water will run under the tub and walls, and down into the floor, which is the ceiling to our living room. She proceeds to tell me she was going to clean it up before she leaves, she is going out. I'm sure I wasn't nice when I told her she was going to make another choice, without any consideration of the consequences, just like having no concern of destroying our home from not using a shower curtain.
I tried to back off and just let her talk, but all she was saying was, "we are so over.", "I can not wait to get out of here", "I hate you and wish I had never met you. I hate everything about you and want nothing to do with anything we ever had together." I responded to that one, and asked her if she was leaving anyway, why doesn't she get her wish and just never come back. If she doesn't want anything to do with anything about me, then don't. Don't have anything to do with us by leaving, and staying gone.
She left. Kids and I played a card game, finished watching a movie and watched the evening re-run of The Simpsons, before kids went to bed.
I took W's pillows, her favorite throw blanket and a sheet and left them on the couch, and started getting ready for bed.
W came home. I leave the bedroom when she comes in, until I decide I'm being silly, and climb into bed. W comes in to bedroom in nothing but a towel - I keep my eyes closed until I realize she is standing beside me, staring at me. I open my eyes and log-in to this BB (using laptop while I'm lying in bed).
I asked her to leave, she started in on what a horrible person I am. I screamed at her to leave. She stood there gloating. I closed my eyes and tried to regain composure. I finally, calmly, ask W if she can understand that I really do not want to talk right now. W goes on about being made to feel worthless or something, I couldn't listen because I was seeing red from having my calm, rational request blatently ignored.
I yell, then scream repeatedly, "Did you hear what I just said?" interrupting W every other sentence. Absolutely pointless - I know, I know. But how am I supposed to just sit here, allow her to run off and talk to OM about how her kids don't want to live with her, and then politely listen to her tell me how everything is my fault, and that she is going to leave me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bible Verses ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Gen 1:26 And God said, Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of heaven and over the cattle and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth.
Rom 16:20 Now the God of peace will crush Satan under your feet shortly. The grace of our Lord Jesus be with you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Words of Ministry ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We need to consider the words image and dominion in Genesis 1:26. An image is an expression. God created man in Hisi mage with the intention that man might express Him. Dominion means kingdom, authority. Man was made in God's image to express God and was given authority to represent God and to have dominion.
In God's original creation, He had only one purpose-to express Himself. Due to Satan's rebellion, God now has another purpose-to deal with His enemy. When God created man, He had both of these purposes. Therefore, He created man in His own image that man might express Him and He gave him dominion that man might deal with His enemy.
We need to express God and to deal with Satan in our home life. Many times the husband comes home and immediately the wife does not express God. She expresses the serpent. Many times the husband also expresses the serpent. I have learned this by experience. A number of times I realized that I was expressing the serpent. I went to pray, "O Lord, forgive me. Bind the serpent."
Don't try to deal with your spouse. It is not their fault. We must deal with the serpent that is behind them. The more we argue, the more Satan gains ground. The only way to deal with Satan is to go on our knees, pray, call on the name of Jesus, and ask Him to bind the serpent.
Also...
Quote: The Power in Perseverance
“ My brothers, consider it pure joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the trial of your faith produces endurance.” James 1:2-4
The other day I was working on the computer with my oldest son, Luke. When he signed on, I asked him, “What’s your password?” He said, “ Keep on .” That is a great password. (He’ll have to change it now that I’m telling everyone.) He said, “Oh Dad, that’s my password for everything.” Keep on. Keep on. Keep on. I’m proud that my son is learning how critical those two words are to success in life. The biblical word is endurance or staying power—the ability to remain under the pressure. Nothing is more essential to success in the Christian life than that. Faith gets you started, but perseverance keeps you going.
This matter of perseverance is so critical to the Christian life that James 1:2-4 tells us that above all other human traits, perseverance is the characteristic that God is trying to build into your life and mine. Perseverance—keep on making and keeping the commitments of life.
God uses trials to teach us that perseverance, “My brothers, consider it pure joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the trial of your faith produces endurance (i.e. perseverance; another translation says, patience. The Greek, hupomeno , means the ability to remain under the pressure.)”
What do you do when the pressure is on? I’ve often said that it’s easy to start a race but when the miles click past and your muscles start to fatigue, it’s easier to quit. It’s easy to put on a white dress or rent a tuxedo and get to the front of the church but to have a happening marriage—not just for five, but for fifteen or forty years—that takes work! It’s easy to pray a prayer or walk an aisle and confess faith in Christ. But to keep following Christ—when it’s hard and the pressure is on—that takes staying power. If God could get perseverance into your life, He can give you everything else.
Recently, my dad said to me on the phone, “I wish that people had explained to me early on that there are seasons in the Christian life.” He’s right. There are times when you are fired up, but other times when you question and struggle. Are you in a tough season? Maybe like Timothy, you need to be reminded of the encouragement that the Spirit of God inspired Paul to write:
“For I am mindful of the sincere faith within you which first dwelt in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice. And I am sure that it is in you as well.” (2 Timothy 1:5)
Paul was like, “Hey Timothy, I just got to thinking about what kind of man you are—you are a man of sincere faith.” And then he reviews the story of Timothy’s conversion, “Do you remember your mother and your grandmother and the faith that dwelt in them that now dwells in you?”
Now hear this message for your life. Draw to mind the story of your conversion. Do you remember when you first met Christ? In February 1967, my mother led me to Christ as I knelt by her bed. It was an absolute turning point in my life. Though I lost sight of God many times over the next fifteen years, God never lost sight of me! When God puts His hand on a person, it’s there to stay.
What’s your story? Do the same thing Paul told Timothy: Review your faith. Think about the grace that God showed you in opening your eyes to the good news about Jesus. Review it. More importantly, refresh it. Have you ever gone camping? Remember staying up late with the big bonfire blazing and roasting marshmallows, maybe making s’mores? The next morning, you think your fire is out—but wait. Get down close and poke it and stoke it and blow on it and all of a sudden it’s going again. That is what Paul is saying here. Kindle your faith afresh. Fire it up again.
Listen—I want to talk to you who would honestly say, “My faith has grown cold. This year has not been good for me. I haven’t been in God’s Word or serving Him as faithfully as I should. My faith is almost gone.” Wait! It’s not over! You can fire it up again.
You ask, “But what caused it to die down?” Two things: Sin . “But we all sin,” you say. Unconfessed sin, piled one on top of the other, causes the fire to die down so quickly you can’t believe it. It’s like a bucket of water to our faith. Self-sufficiency. “I can handle this.” “I don’t need to read the Bible; I know what to do.” “I don’t have time to pray.” “I can solve this problem on my own.” And the fire of your faith dies down.
“How can I kindle my faith?” Get alone with God today— today— and ask Him to bring to mind any sin you haven’t dealt with. Write it down and lay it before God. Pray alone. Pray as a couple. Pray as a family. Say, “God, we need You. We trust You. We can’t persevere without You. We want to follow You.” I’m telling you that you can have a blaze by suppertime.
Like Paul to Timothy, allow me to exhort you in your faith toward perseverance. Maybe it hasn’t been going that great lately, but you have it. Review it! Refresh it. Fire it up! Receive this challenge to get focused on what it means to live for God and keep on . . . keep on.
