I think the frustration, anger and depression is worse now than when I first found out about W's As. I've been off this BB for longer than I should have, which I'm sure contributed to how far I've backslid.
At first I was confident, and applied DB techniques fairly consistently, demonstrating physical affection (not sexual), buying flowers and cards, pitching in and helping around the house without being asked, basically trying to cover all the LL bases and figure out which was her primary.
But I didn’t get anything back. I was expending all this “love energy”, and never getting anything back to fill up my tank.
Even after my deliberate efforts, W claims I never help around the house, never do anything to help her with the kids, that all I do is bring her down. Granted I probably do bring her down now, because I’m in such a foul mood after having W continually claim that months of my efforts did not happened.
So I try to back off and give W space, but even after I tell W, “I’m in an awful mood and really just need to be left alone right now.” W will ask, “why are you in a bad mood?” She simply will not take, “I don’t want to talk about it right now” or “I’d rather talk about this later” as an answer.
For example. I took a week for myself to travel to a wrestling tournament in Tempe, AZ and had a great time. Even sent postcards to W, D8, S9 and S12. By the end of the week, I was anxious to get home, and went to the airport early to catch an earlier flight. But the whole drive home from the airport, all I could think about was catching OM with W at my house.
OM wasn’t there, but W was on the phone upstairs and did not hear me come in. Kids were excited to see me, but we were quiet so I could surprise W. While I was waiting for W to finish her phone conversation, I picked up W’s cell phone to reset the call timers (it was Oct 31). When I opened her cell phone there were 3 missed calls from OM. I just snapped her phone shut and put it back and resolved to not let it bother me. They were missed calls – so she didn’t answer them, right?
Kids were finally noisy enough for W to come downstairs. She saw me and said, “What are you doing home? I’m on the phone with (girlfriend), I’m almost done,” walked over to the counter, took her cell phone and walked back upstairs.
Now I’m upset. I don’t know what I was expecting, but not even a, “how was your flight?”
W came downstairs later and I do my best to avoid her, which she immediately picks up on and follows me around the house asking, “What did I do wrong, why are you mad at me”.
I’m in a lose/lose situation, if I share what I’m upset about, it will start a fight, if I try to avoid the situation, W picks a fight. I finally tell W, “I’m upset because the first thing I see when I come home are phone calls from OM, and the first thing you do when you find out I’m home is grab your phone to delete the call records. What am I supposed to think?”
W goes into her usual, “You have no idea what I’m going through, Look how you treat me, Why don’t you just move out, I can’t wait to D and get out of here, etc.etc.”
After several days of half-hearted attempts to talk with W, my mood gets worse and worse. I can’t even look at W. Our conversations turn into fights as soon as I attempt to explain that none of my needs are being met, and not just sexual needs.
To W’s credit, she calls MC for an “emergency” appointment. Unfortunately it was at a time I already had a meeting scheduled. I told W that I was already in a bad mood, and if she expected me to participate in MC, knowing I was missing a meeting, we wouldn’t get anything out of the C session.
I’ll post more about the MC session in the next few days.
