I want the same things out of my M that he does--sex, yes, but also the sexy affection outside the bedroom. It does wonders for reminding me that I am someone's beloved and not just a generic Wife or Mother.
Another way I am like Cemar is that it took me FOUR YEARS to do something about my sexless marriage. During that time, I seethed or was upset or confused most of the time. I couldn't understand what was going on. I had my own theories (many of which were exactly right) but I was too chickenpoop to say anything to my husband. Truly, I was scared of hearing that he just didn't want sex anymore and that I was stuck. I didn't think my ego could bear to hear that I wasn't sexually attractive to him any longer. So I stalled and wondered and tried to get him interested. I begged him, during sex, "please PLEASE let's do this again tomorrow night" but it never happened. Once every six weeks or so was about the extent of my sex life, and even then it was in the middle of the night when H was too sleepy to deny his physical urges anymore.
Cemar, I can tell you that it did NOT get any better until I confronted things head on.
Yes, I had things that I needed to improve upon and needs of his that weren't being met. Did that magically turn things around? HELL NO!
Is that what you are wanting to hear from someone, cause if it is, then there ya go. My meeting my H's needs did NOT fill him with desire for me. It made him a happier person, though.
For me it was a one-two punch that eventually did it. I started really trying to be a better wife as well as telling him in clear language what the stakes were. Here is what I said: I will pursue an annulment when our kids are older if we can't get our sex life back on track. How often do you think we can ML? He replied twice per week and that's how the repair process started.
Now, along the way we also had to defuse the other time bombs in our M, namely his religious issues and my ANGER. I was so pissed at being sexually neglected that my every action had a good amount of anger bubbling beneath it, even when the action was a kind one. I simply could not let it go. Likewise, his religious issues continued to surface for a looooooong time--and sometimes still do.
My point is that your focus is on your wife changing, while you do nothing. This is not going to work. You will have to be a STRONG MAN (and I know you are) and lead the change, force it, and guide it. I know you think this somehow cheapens the process but I don't think so.
Let me give an example: When we first married, H treated me like a princess. I acted like one, too! I had been on my own for 6 years when I married him so there was no real basis for this behavior, other than it's nice to be spoiled and what kind of an idiot would turn it down. The ONLY thing I did in our marital home was cook supper and I couldn't even do that. (he bought me a subscription to a cooking magazine that 1st year, lol) I did not clean anything, do any laundry, mow the lawn, etc. NOTHING. H would sometimes grouse or grumble about the laundry but I paid no attention to it, the lovely and happy newlywed girl that I was. Finally after we were married 2 years, he FLIPPED OUT over the laundry one day. Absolutely demanded that I help him with it and that his days of doing it alone were over. We both worked full time but it was him who came home and then did all the household stuff. It is crazy when I look back on it! WHAT was I thinking!?
Do you see where I'm headed with this, ha ha.
Since then, there has been a slow and subtle shift to the way we operate nowadays. I went from never doing one single load of laundry, to helping out, to doing it all myself. Along the way, I've also had a career change..granted..but all this happened before we had children and I quit my job.
My point is, of course, that people can and DO change all the time. Sometimes even drastically. These days, I do 95% of the cleaning and laundry and all of the cooking. I am an excellent wife and he tells me this frequently. I feel good about the maturing that I have done over the last 10 yrs and who I have become.
It was H who 'helped' me with that process when I was stuck in a very selfish and self centered place. I honestly didn't realize the extent that he felt resentful and overworked, as nuts as that sounds! To my eyes, he did it and so he must not mind doing it.
I needed a wake up call from him and your wife needs one from you.
It took my H two years to have reached his limit and say something...it took me 4 yrs to reach my SSM limit and say something to him...and so I ask you, friend, what is YOUR limit?
