Quote: Just read "The proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" to see if the book would be good for the wife. I agree with most everything Dr. Laura says in the book, especially the part of how men are very simple, and how women are very complex. She also says that men have very few tools for making their relationships better, and I agree. I feel like I have virtually nothing that I can change that will make a significant change in my marriage.
I don't agree with the complex/simple gender assignment.
Cemar, I can understand what you're feeling. Our earlier sexual relationship was often, fairly varied and I was a willing and active partner. However, I was guarded and carried around some inhibitions, so even back then I was still very much the response partner more than the initiating partner. Our sex life (for me) was a part or extension of the relationship we shared. As that relationship got damaged it produced its more heinous fruit in our sex life. I had the "relationship" talks and arguments over the first several years, and it didn't seem to get through. After several spectacular blowouts, I asked myself if this was something I was willing to destroy my marriage over. My answer was no. So, I stopped trying to instigate any changes. And I built my walls high and thick inside, less any of my hurt and resentment should dissipate.
Perhaps I should have continued the fight and things would have gotten better between us years ago. Or things might have escalated so far that I would have destroyed us. The reality is that I don't know. You know the fear isn't just that the other partner will decide to go for the big D, but the fear is also that the relationship will continue on but in an even more damaged and disfunctional way.
I had posted earlier about how the inability to handle discussing and solving sexual frequency compatiblity problems is an indication that the couple also has a problem solving other difficult problems. It may be that no other biggies have cropped up in your relationship, or they may be obscured by the sex issues. But I'm pretty confident that there is a lack of mature function that contributes to the ongoing sex problem that can, will and does show up in other areas.
NOP and I are still ML every night, but you know what? Our other relational issues didn't just disappear in the warm sexual atmosphere. We get to continue addressing those. And we don't always handle it in a mature, calm fashion. While sex may be greasing the skids where the friction is hottest, it isn't a magic wand that snaps those issues into the "solved" column.
So, I want to gently counter your belief that if your wife was chasing you around the house nude with naughty intentions toward your nether regions, you would find it a snap to be/do what she might want you to be/do.
I would also encourage you to express your unhappiness to your wife in a loving, gentle fashion. The problem doesn't get any easier to solve over time. Somewhere between you sucking it up and never addressing your needs and divorce, there's a lot of middle-ground area that you can work in.
