Cemar, I think that you actually have more options than you let on... Yes if you "fix" yourself, then the ball is in her court. But I think just doing something different--other than what you have done in the past--can have results as well. Namely you can TELL her what a profound effect this is having on you and your love and commitment to the marriage. Then you can reiterate that sentiment in a week or two. And then again in another week or so.
In short, you must do as Hairy said and find your balls and TELL HER what is going on. She has no idea the stakes are as high as they are...she could be any of the LD wives that you see on this site lamenting the fact that they did not get it until their spouse either took a lover or left them.
You must practice honesty and forthrightness and stop selling yourself short. You are wanting to converse with her and use vague terms like "better marriage" and hope that she understands what you are saying and what the consequences will be if she continues her current plan of INaction.
I don't see this workin.
I think that, if you really want to regain intimacy with your W, you will have to communicate with her what it is you want and what will happen if you two can't start working together towards a sex life. You will have to hold her to her promises and be willing to call her on it, when she wants to renegotiate the terms out of laziness and/or selfishness.
Along the way you will have to take a good hard look at yourself and pay close attention to see if there are any areas in which she consistently asks you for change. If she does, do it.
I guess I am confused as to how you think you can have a noncommunicative marriage with your wife and think that, somehow someway, things will get better. This is not likely to happen!
It is all well and good to read books like Dr. Laura's and know that IF you had a motivated LD wife she could really transform things but it is a bit like me reading that same book and giving the techniques a try. DOH! Wait!! I already do all that and it doesn't necessarily lead to a blissful life for me, either. The books are useful in gleaning bits of info that you can use in your own situation but they can really be hurtful and a major BUMMER if you can't detach enough from them to realize that your situation is completely different.
You don't have a motivated LDW. So stop torturing yourself!
Try telling her what's really going on inside you and see what happens.
In all this time...and all the books you have read...it is the only tactic that you have never given any real thought.
