I was going to say the same thing as HP. HD, you need to do both things, stay calm when she is provoking you, and continue to assert your agenda and not let her off the hook.
The calm thing really gets to my H. This weekend he asked me if I'm taking tranquilizers. In the past ( okay, not so past), he would provoke me and the ensuing fight would provide the smokescreen he needed to avoid his feelings. The calmer I become, the more he has to look into himself. Also, for H, having a fight was a way of developing passion and while that's nice once in awhile, I want our pattern of lovemaking to come from good feelings.
The other thing I wanted to comment on is the escalating fights that would result in divorce-speak. The release of tension during these arguments came at a huge emotional cost and was draining for both of us. I realized that there was a part of me that allowed it to go to that level because then I could indulge in "escape" thoughts, which really wasn't healthy or productive. It was just a way of avoiding reality...my reality is that I am not willing to bust up the family unless absolutely necessary.
Back to your sitch, your W really doesn't understand why her desire is low, but she does know something is wrong. She will continue to deflect with her provocative, attacking comments and she is good at it. Think of them as her shield.
Lastly, try your best not to take her lack of desire personally. It is hard for me to think that my H is not so attracted to me and has mixed feelings that he himself can't sort through on his own. But, I do not let him off the hook and he has to confront and push through to meet me at some compromise.
BTW, I have been both LD and HD and hands down, I am happier being HD, with all its frustrations. It's nice to have my body working so easily.
