Quote: I wonder whose face she sees on yours when she lets you know that you aren't going to "get" to her no matter how hard you try... That comment really makes me feel like she's testing you.
I think it may be her father's face, but she would deny it vehemently. Her father was emotionally abusive, e.g., "How could you be so stupid?" kind of comments. I do agree that I feel as if she is testing me. She has made similar comments in the recent past which suggest that she is not willing to change at all.
You have a lot to feel good about, Hairdog. Your wife was trying to bait you into an argument so she could continue to feel justified in 'withholding' from you. She knows that something isn't right, and if you continue to engage with her on this, you give her all the reason she needs to continue to hate her father, you know? Conversely, you being unwilling to be 'happy' about what you are giving up keeps the issue passively in the forefront of her conscience, because in one very real sense, she does love you and does not like to see you unhappy.
If this is bearable for you, I think you may have found the only way through your unending maze... if you attack directly with your wife, her heels go in so deep, there ain't no moving that mule.... your passive resistance is formidable for her. She has no idea what to do with it, other than attack. For like Lil said, she doesn't like the way she is feeling (guilty, perhaps?), and if she can get you to engage in a fight with her, then she no longer has to feel guilty.
Sooo.... I think you have a TON to feel good about. This conversation, at least to me, is a signal that she is not so impervious to the importance of an intimate relationship as we might have at first thought. It's just that gentle erosion takes a bit more time than blasting with dynamite. You are there for the kids anyway... and if you can keep from engaging with her on this issue, the better off you are in someday hopefully, resolving it.
BTW, Tylenol PM is great for nights.... I think it beats Benadryl, just personally.
