It was about 10pm last night, me and W had just turned off the light. Having just watched a tv show where two characters ended up in bed together, she commented about how men need sex so much. "I know you feel that way, and I'd hate to be you," she said. I thought to myself, here is a woman who is so out of touch with her own sexuality. "I'd hate to be you, too." She said, "Why can't you just be happy with the way you are and the way I am?" Me: I don't want to get into this right now.
No more conversation ensued. I got out of bed about 5 minutes later, realizing that I couldn't get to sleep for awhile without taking something to calm my mind (don't worry folks, I'm not addicted to meds, just took a Benadryl).
This morning, I just gave her a brief peck on the top of her sleepy head on the way out the bedroom to go to work. She asked, "are you mad at me?" No.
But I am, a little. I wish Mojo/Jenny were here, as I'd love to hear some analogies to W's "happy" comment.
Could she be "happy" with the way we were if I basically forced myself on her every day? Isn't she doing that to me by rejecting me every day? Why must I be one to compromise totally each day, save for two or three times a year? She is expecting me to keep my distance and be co-parenting room mates instead of H and W.
Any support, words of encouragement or advice would be appreciated.
I can see where you are coming from. Be it right or wrong, things were not always that way. Same thing here. Unfortunately our spouses changed, for whatever reason, and they are happy with the way their lives are. They expect us to be happy also, even though we have not changed, in the area of sex that is. I have not actually forced H into making a decision about counseling or looking into his ED problem. I know I have to do this if I want things to change. I keep questioning myself if I want to fight for this the rest of my life with H.
After looking at my statements I suppose I don't want it enough or I would do something about it wheather it be fight for it or leave. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I don't so I will end with this ((((((((((((((((((HairDoggie))))))))))))))))))))))) Annette
Your story breaks my heart... I can just feel the "thud" as you walk into that brick wall.
What if you had watched a program where at the end the two people sit down to a beautiful meal together--let's say it's pasta (like in "Lady and the Tramp"), exquisitely prepared, violin playing in the background, gorgeous sunset... they're holding hands and looking deeply, blissfully into each other's eyes... and your W looks at this scene and says, "Gee, men always want pasta so much. I know you like it a lot, too... boy, I'd hate to be you."
So you say, "Well, the pasta they're eating on this program is homemade with the finest ingredients, and the sauce is absolutely wonderful. I know; I've had a taste."
She replies, "I don't see why you can't be satisfied with opening a can of Spaghetti-o's when you want pasta."
You say, "Spaghetti-o's are only the merest inadequate hint at what pasta can be. Besides, the pleasure they are experiencing is only partly due to the quality of the food... the biggest and most important part is that they are sharing this beautiful, delicious meal together... each one knowing that the other is happy and satisfied."
And she replies, "I'll just have my can of Slim Fast. I'm sure the pasta can't be THAT good."
Her comment, "are you mad at me?" really sounds like something from the distant past... you don't say that to a peer and partner... it's the child in us that wants to know if someone is "mad" at us. No one asks that kind of question to a colleague at work, for instance.
I wonder whose face she sees on yours when she lets you know that you aren't going to "get" to her no matter how hard you try... That comment really makes me feel like she's testing you.
But you have to ask yourself, why do I keep on wanting sex with someone who so clearly doesn't want me? What important person in your deep past are you still trying to get to love you?
As you know, supposedly (or "supposably" as a friend of mine used to insist on saying...) we attract the perfect partner who will challenge us with our earliest issues, and stomp on those old, bruised places so that we can finally resolve them and heal.
Annette, not to rain on your parade, but you wrote
Quote: I have not actually forced H into making a decision about counseling or looking into his ED problem.
my bf has a bottle of Viagra (has had it for two years), AND we're going to an excellent C every week (going this morning) and still no sex. The thing that makes the sex happen is when we do what Jenny did, namely, force the issue. The counselor's role is to tell us that if we feel uncomfortable or get mad at each other, it's not the end of the world, and that we should go ahead and not wait until we feel comfortable. We have to stretch ourselves. (I haven't gotten there yet. )
Quote: I wonder whose face she sees on yours when she lets you know that you aren't going to "get" to her no matter how hard you try... That comment really makes me feel like she's testing you.
I think it may be her father's face, but she would deny it vehemently. Her father was emotionally abusive, e.g., "How could you be so stupid?" kind of comments. I do agree that I feel as if she is testing me. She has made similar comments in the recent past which suggest that she is not willing to change at all.
Quote: But you have to ask yourself, why do I keep on wanting sex with someone who so clearly doesn't want me? What important person in your deep past are you still trying to get to love you?
I really don't think there is anything like this going on with me. I felt (and feel) loved by my parents. The reason I am still here is because I have a strong sense of commitment to our child and my kids from a prior marriage. As I've said before, when I come to the conclusion that I can be a better parent away from her than with her, I will leave. We make a good team as parents, however, so I don't see that happening any time soon.
H cannot take viagra, he is a heart patient. Before his heart problems he was given viagra and it didn't work. We went through $300 worth of it and ended up throwing the last few away. He has some serious issues he has to face, and has not. That is why I said he needs to go to C. I would be willing to bet most of his ED problems are mental, not physical. There is alot I have not forced him to talk about.
Annette who wishes everyone on here the best of luck
Annette, I hope my post didn't sound testy... what I meant is that a few months ago I decided we needed to do something about this and we started going to the C, but still no sex. He has the V, but has only used it ONCE. Bf has also had heart problems (had quad bypass 6 months ago, but doesn't take nitro, so V is okay).
I think going to a C is a good idea, but if someone is resistant to doing anything about the problem, they can be resistant in front of a C, too. It's just more expensive.
My late husband was completely physically impotent due to diabetes and he had the penile implant surgery (horrendous surgery, but if it weren't so awful, every guy would want one... you just pump it up manually and it stays there forever). The surgery did not help our sex life. It steadily declined.
I need to get rid of this attitude... I think it's because we're going to the C in an hour, and I WANT to make something happen!!! This is even more frustrating... because I feel like we are DOING something, but still not getting anywhere. I think it's because both of us are still hiding...
Yeah, that comment from your wife sucked. Remember that those attacking, provocative comments are really her way of defending herself to avoid feeling vulnerable. She did mention her low desire to the doctor and told you about it, so it is on her mind. Looking back now, I can tell you that in my LD past, no matter how much I rationalized my asexuality ( the one I liked the best is how I said we were "beyond" a sexual relationship) inside I knew I wasn't feeling what I should be feeling and it bothered me.
Anyway, you handled yourself well by not taking the bait right then and there and staying calm. I will add benadryl to my list of self-soothers.
Quote: I wonder whose face she sees on yours when she lets you know that you aren't going to "get" to her no matter how hard you try... That comment really makes me feel like she's testing you.
I think it may be her father's face, but she would deny it vehemently. Her father was emotionally abusive, e.g., "How could you be so stupid?" kind of comments. I do agree that I feel as if she is testing me. She has made similar comments in the recent past which suggest that she is not willing to change at all.
You have a lot to feel good about, Hairdog. Your wife was trying to bait you into an argument so she could continue to feel justified in 'withholding' from you. She knows that something isn't right, and if you continue to engage with her on this, you give her all the reason she needs to continue to hate her father, you know? Conversely, you being unwilling to be 'happy' about what you are giving up keeps the issue passively in the forefront of her conscience, because in one very real sense, she does love you and does not like to see you unhappy.
If this is bearable for you, I think you may have found the only way through your unending maze... if you attack directly with your wife, her heels go in so deep, there ain't no moving that mule.... your passive resistance is formidable for her. She has no idea what to do with it, other than attack. For like Lil said, she doesn't like the way she is feeling (guilty, perhaps?), and if she can get you to engage in a fight with her, then she no longer has to feel guilty.
Sooo.... I think you have a TON to feel good about. This conversation, at least to me, is a signal that she is not so impervious to the importance of an intimate relationship as we might have at first thought. It's just that gentle erosion takes a bit more time than blasting with dynamite. You are there for the kids anyway... and if you can keep from engaging with her on this issue, the better off you are in someday hopefully, resolving it.
BTW, Tylenol PM is great for nights.... I think it beats Benadryl, just personally.
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