Quote: He could probably have looked at this stuff online and erased his "footprint" without me noticing, but NO he has to burn CD's of it and name each of them. A CD named "Kimberly" is very suspicious.
I'd consider kicking him out of the house strictly on the basis of him being stupid.
Quote: What's funny is that I don't think he has enough interest in sex to even masturbate while watching the clips.
Don't fool yourself! Porn and MB go together like hand in glove (pun intended ). The fact is, porn is very stimulating, like a drug. It's a compulsion for him, which means you can't trust him to act rationally, although his behavior is extremely predictable. He is channeling all of his sexual energy into porn and MB, which is one of the main causes for him short changing you in the sack.
This is a stubborn problem that he will not change unless her really, really wants to. His desire to change in this area is a good barometer for how much he values your relationship. However, having the desire to change is not the same thing as having the ability to change. I don't know how you can gage his sincerity to change, though. Is he lying, i.e, is he telling you he will change when he really has no intention of changing? Or does he really want to change and he is just losing to his compulsion? Since he is a proven lier, I can't blame you for not trusting him. I wouldn't either.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
COgal wrote << I've thought about "accidently" dropping one in his office.>> To me that sounds childish along with microwaving them. Just shred them and give him the pieces. Generally do what a mother with a strong sense of family values would do. No revenge stuff. That leads to revenge on his part. You mention 2 teen age kids in the house. Your kids need better role models than your H is displaying.
<< I've also thought of a little role-playing during the once-a-week >> No role playing. That is playing his game. Do you want to be a porn star or a "WIFE" while being a mother.
<<< I'm almost wondering if he wanted me to find them so that we'd have a big fight and he'd run away to live with his buddies again. >>> He does not respect you and given your past behavior, maybe he thinks he can continue to do things "HIS WAY" without consequences. NO fight. Get your thoughts down on paper. Choose a plan of action, a list of consequencesand and stick to them.
H already agreed to no porn. Did you have a consequence that goes along with that agreement? If not, then it was a poorly planned agreement on your part. Anyone can agre to anything if there are no consequences. It's called hollow promices.
Again, not to beat you up, just suggestion so H does not take advantage of your generous nature. Please protect your kids.
OG Lou A deal is a deal for me and soo many other people too. No room for manipulaters. Glad to hear you look thirty something.
COgal worte: --------------- just found multiple CD's with webcam stuff, bj's, and some other really nasty stuff burned from MY computer, using blank CD's that I purchased. ---------------
So, take a nail file and put a few scratches across the recorded surface of each and put them back into their 'hiding place'. They are yours after all.
When he inquires as to their condition, be prepared to discuss it with him.
I don't believe in secrets, hiding places, or hidden things, in a marriage. Secrets are not good for a marriage, and when one spouse has a compelling need for secrecy, it is time to expose and seek help.
Your spouse is not likely to change while his 'secret' (usually a lie based on delusion) is ignored or 'swept under the rug'. Exposure with a subsequent attempt at repair of the issue is the way to go. Obviously, that won't be fun.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
So, take a nail file and put a few scratches across the recorded surface of each and put them back into their 'hiding place'. They are yours after all.
When he inquires as to their condition, be prepared to discuss it with him.
IMO, um, no, I dont think so.
When you are ready to discuss it, discuss it. Scratching them to force him to come to you isn't going to help things.
You pick the time and place to bring it up, dont act like a mad child. You might not like the way it is taken.
CoGal: You have kids. What are you teaching them? Are you teaching your daughter that she deserves love and respect and honesty from her future boyfriends/fiance/spouse? No.
Are you teaching your son to respect and love and be honest with his future girlfriends/fiance/spouse? No.
You may feel weak and overwhelmed when you think about what is required of you to deal with this deadbeat jerk. But remember your responsibility as a parent. I'd take a bullet for each one of my kids. Would you for yours?
Quote: Y I know I'm intelligent, just not in this for some reason.
boy do I know that feeling...I used to be the one in the good relationship, the sensible one...able to give advice and leap tall buildings in a single bound.
Now I'm trying to keep myself from groveling to keep this idiot around. Probably the only thing that's keeping me from doing it is the fact that I know it won't work.
Slowly all the roles we act out become our Identity,
And in the end we are what we pretend to be.
-Jerry Cantrell
Hi all. Thanks for the replies. I calmly (wow, I just said calmly) brought this up with H. He said they weren't his and that maybe my son (14) burned the CD's and put them in his desk. Hmm, they all had names written in sharpie IN HIS HANDWRITING. Sure, my son MIGHT do this but would leave them lying on the computer desk...not a good sneaky kid. At that point I told him that he should be a MAN and admit they were his. He still denied it. The subject wasn't broached at all last night. Funny, my parents never told me that there was a porn fairy who delivered porn in the middle of the night:)
This morning I brought it up and said that I felt sorry for him. I said that he doesn't know how to step up and be a man because his dad abandoned the family when he was 9 and didn't reappear until he was around 19. I also said that I felt he has a problem with porn addiction and that he should get some help - alone. I again asked that he own up to having them. He finally did so, apologised, and said that he'd make a appt. with the counselor we used to see. He said that he has some issues; I can't argue with that.
I don't know where this is going to fall. If he chooses his porn and moves out again, I'm done. I'm not settling for this. HD, I do worry about the kids, specifically my son. His dad isn't a role model and neither is his stepdad; I don't want my son growing up to be like either.
I'd like to feel that I got somewhere with this, but I don't know. H is great at BS. We'll see.
.
). The fact is, porn is very stimulating, like a drug. It's a compulsion for him, which means you can't trust him to act rationally, although his behavior is extremely predictable. He is channeling all of his sexual energy into porn and MB, which is one of the main causes for him short changing you in the sack.