I wish I had some advice. I can only commiserate, since mine is a similar story...H +I haven't had sex in years, I've been trying to work on R 'stuff' for a while now, and I found that H has been downloading lots of porn.
When I brought it up to H, I only said that I knew, and that it bothered me since it seemed he was using that as a way to avoid dealing with our problems. I didn't think it would be a good idea at that point to ask him to stop, but I do wish he would acknowledge that he needs to put some time into our R as well.
I know it's caused a lot of resentment - H is very uncomfortable at home right now, and avoids unnecesary contact with me, won't go to a C.
My H is a very private person, I know he has his own 'demons' to deal with, and I know I hit a very raw nerve when I brought it up. I wish I knew the way to deal with this without him feeling I'm attacking him.
