LNL - first - know that I totally agree with your defense of yourself BUT defending yourself to H won't get you where you want to go. I am serious about this validating and agreeing stuff. It works.
I agree. Having been on this board now for more than a year, I ought to know that!
I haven't responded to H's emails at all, yet.
Also remember that your H has a different view of things - and right now that view is also being colored by his anxiety about making a living. I'm sure he feels like a failure, having lost his inheritance in a bad business investment, and now not getting the assignments he had hoped for. That was probably part of the lure of the OW - they probably saw him as more exciting and successful than he really is (kind of like the failing middle manager who dates an 18 year old because she will look up to him).
I agree. I even said something similar to him at the time of the bomb, that both these women (and I knew THEN that they both were conducting EAs, if not a PA in OW 1's case, with H) probably saw him as somehow glamourous becuase of his 'international work', and he laughed it off. I felt like I had been used as a stepping stone by him.
It's not surprising that your H is lacking in basic financial skills - sounds like his inheritance may have been more of a curse than a blessing.
He himself has uttered those sentiments. Said that no one took him seriously, wrote off whatever he did as down to his good fortune. But H *doesn't* recognise what good fortune he has indeed had either. His getting into our field of activity was easy compared to mine, when I was dead poor and technolgy and politics and a whole lot else made our activity more a rich man's hobby
(Speaking of inheritance, have you figured out what you need to do to keep yours separate from the marital assets? In the US, you need to keep it separate from all marital stuff - if you put it into a joint bank account, for instance, it is considered marital property.)
It is going to stay separate.
As for wanting to pursue your projects versus getting a "menial" job - that's great, but it doesn't seem like you've actually gotten that much done in that direction this year. How realistic is this? How long would it take to see fruits of your labors? If H died tomorrow, would you be able to wait for this project to come through, or would you have to get a job to provide immediate income? It may be that you have to continue to pursue this on the side, while getting a "day" job for now.
I wouldn't survive on what I m doing if H dropped dead, but it would be a whole lot easier to make other decisions. I have worked this last year to produce the one project were the work is done, only the putting together and presentation/selling aspect is yet to be done.
The other project is more major and I did some work on that this summer while away on vacation. I am preparing a preview right now to go on a website so it should get some attention and hopefully get some interested parties too.
I *am* working on the 'day' job, that is what the teaching is about. Got to do more publicity, I guess.
I have a really good friend who is a musician. She never made much money, just scraped by. Eventually she married a writer that she thought of as more financially stable, in part because he was older and had an interesting history - but the truth is, he only made minimally more than she did, and his income has been failing for years (in part because of progressive damage from a brain-injury accident he sustained), while their expenses have been rising with the birth of their child. Still, she persisted in the illusion that he was her financial safety net - because she just really didn't want to face that she needed to bring in more income.
Yup, it is the lot of all in the creative professions unless you make it big!
As for your dinner question - sure, if others are coming, and he's going to be in town, extend the invitation.
See my previous post.
Don't sweat answering his emails unless he asks for a response again. He may just be venting.
OK. I started to draft a response that was short and sweet, I may post it here to see what you think, but I think not answering might be better?
Practice your validating responses, though, okay???
Will do. It has just become harder after learning that OW 1 is back in the picture, that's the fifth time he has reconnected with one or other of the OWs. A bit of a marathon.....
Once again, thanks so much Ellie for being my personal coach. I don't know where this is taking me, I think I might have a deadline somewhere in the back of my mind, which if it passes I will give up. I will of course drop the rope more firmly by doing that, by which time I seriously question whether I would consider taking my H back if he were to ask. This is a VERY long haul.
Do you think that with H even mentioning the idea that he 'maybe could have saved the marriage if he had been harder on me' means that he is at least thinking about it, if only remotely??
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: Do you think that with H even mentioning the idea that he 'maybe could have saved the marriage if he had been harder on me' means that he is at least thinking about it, if only remotely??
Yes.
And even though he's staying with OW1 (yuck!) he seems pretty interested to have lunch with you and interested in maybe coming for dinner - doesn't seem like that would really be the case if he was all involved with OW romantically again.
Quote: even though he's staying with OW1 (yuck!) he seems pretty interested to have lunch with you and interested in maybe coming for dinner - doesn't seem like that would really be the case if he was all involved with OW romantically again.
On that note I shall go to bed and try to banish all dark thoughts.
It feels pretty YUCK to be 'in competition' with my own ex-'friend' for the attentions of MY own H. This is NOT easy.
Does H even consider what an atrocious friend OW 1 has been to me?? Yet he accuses ME of thinking only of myself???
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Just woke up in the middle of the night, and I am in floods of tears.
I think I don't respect my husband one little bit. The fact that he has gone back to being 'friends' with that ugly, lying, betraying, hateful piece of work is the final straw for me. Is she still more important to him than I am? Why is he tormenting me? Why does he even want to see me when he sees that disgusting piece of work? Just the thought of her repels me to the core. She is like a toxic contamination in my life. My photo albums have her pictures in them still, my recipe books have things written in that she made, I feel like moving away from this place as I can't bear the thought of her and my H together, even as 'friends' any more. If I do ever make the decision to move away, it will be becausse my H can't be bothered to see what he has done to our M and our R, and still blames me for all of this.
I don't understand how if it was really only about money (it isn't!) we are not still together right now, pooling our resources and not going through this hell. This IS about H and his "falling in love with the B" I am sorry to say. Does he not respect himself enough to avoid her like the plague? I think it might be my turn to start avoiding HIM like the plague.
And he has the nerve to pull me down continually with his rants and visits, when I am strugggling to just get on with my life.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
It is now time for my alarm clock to ring! I feel better, I have decided to dedicate this day to D. She has a school holiday, we are going to put up the tree together, I have friends coming around this evening for dinner, and in between I will get on with chores. I will make sure D has great Christmas, no matter what. I will not get H and my feelings get in the way of that, I will demand an answer of some kind from my H by this weekend about broad plans for Christmas, at the very least. I will make it plain that I do have plans and choices of my own (which I do!!)
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Hi LnL - Great recovery - I'm glad you have positive plans
I know just how bleak things can look in the depth of a night, and what it feels like to question one's own judgement, whether the person we are fighting for is even worth it But, getting back to dbing basics is more for our own recovery, so GO YOU!!!
Slowly