LNL - first - know that I totally agree with your defense of yourself BUT defending yourself to H won't get you where you want to go. I am serious about this validating and agreeing stuff. It works.
I agree. Having been on this board now for more than a year, I ought to know that!
I haven't responded to H's emails at all, yet.
Also remember that your H has a different view of things - and right now that view is also being colored by his anxiety about making a living. I'm sure he feels like a failure, having lost his inheritance in a bad business investment, and now not getting the assignments he had hoped for. That was probably part of the lure of the OW - they probably saw him as more exciting and successful than he really is (kind of like the failing middle manager who dates an 18 year old because she will look up to him).
I agree. I even said something similar to him at the time of the bomb, that both these women (and I knew THEN that they both were conducting EAs, if not a PA in OW 1's case, with H) probably saw him as somehow glamourous becuase of his 'international work', and he laughed it off. I felt like I had been used as a stepping stone by him.
It's not surprising that your H is lacking in basic financial skills - sounds like his inheritance may have been more of a curse than a blessing.
He himself has uttered those sentiments. Said that no one took him seriously, wrote off whatever he did as down to his good fortune. But H *doesn't* recognise what good fortune he has indeed had either. His getting into our field of activity was easy compared to mine, when I was dead poor and technolgy and politics and a whole lot else made our activity more a rich man's hobby
(Speaking of inheritance, have you figured out what you need to do to keep yours separate from the marital assets? In the US, you need to keep it separate from all marital stuff - if you put it into a joint bank account, for instance, it is considered marital property.)
It is going to stay separate.
As for wanting to pursue your projects versus getting a "menial" job - that's great, but it doesn't seem like you've actually gotten that much done in that direction this year. How realistic is this? How long would it take to see fruits of your labors? If H died tomorrow, would you be able to wait for this project to come through, or would you have to get a job to provide immediate income? It may be that you have to continue to pursue this on the side, while getting a "day" job for now.
I wouldn't survive on what I m doing if H dropped dead, but it would be a whole lot easier to make other decisions. I have worked this last year to produce the one project were the work is done, only the putting together and presentation/selling aspect is yet to be done.
The other project is more major and I did some work on that this summer while away on vacation. I am preparing a preview right now to go on a website so it should get some attention and hopefully get some interested parties too.
I *am* working on the 'day' job, that is what the teaching is about. Got to do more publicity, I guess.
I have a really good friend who is a musician. She never made much money, just scraped by. Eventually she married a writer that she thought of as more financially stable, in part because he was older and had an interesting history - but the truth is, he only made minimally more than she did, and his income has been failing for years (in part because of progressive damage from a brain-injury accident he sustained), while their expenses have been rising with the birth of their child. Still, she persisted in the illusion that he was her financial safety net - because she just really didn't want to face that she needed to bring in more income.
Yup, it is the lot of all in the creative professions unless you make it big!
As for your dinner question - sure, if others are coming, and he's going to be in town, extend the invitation.
See my previous post.
Don't sweat answering his emails unless he asks for a response again. He may just be venting.
OK. I started to draft a response that was short and sweet, I may post it here to see what you think, but I think not answering might be better?
Practice your validating responses, though, okay???
Will do. It has just become harder after learning that OW 1 is back in the picture, that's the fifth time he has reconnected with one or other of the OWs. A bit of a marathon.....
Once again, thanks so much Ellie for being my personal coach. I don't know where this is taking me, I think I might have a deadline somewhere in the back of my mind, which if it passes I will give up. I will of course drop the rope more firmly by doing that, by which time I seriously question whether I would consider taking my H back if he were to ask. This is a VERY long haul.
Do you think that with H even mentioning the idea that he 'maybe could have saved the marriage if he had been harder on me' means that he is at least thinking about it, if only remotely??
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
