Well, H was all over the place in his email, wasn't he?
Lots of this is a rehash of old complaints, and it seems like there's really no need to respond right now to it, unless he asks you to. Kind of interesting, though, that he's expending so much energy rehashing your R at this point, isn't it? Almost sounds like he's trying to convince himself
If you DO address any of these issues with him (and probably it's better to stick to writing than verbal communication) remember to validate and drop the rope. It's amazing what happens sometimes when you agree with them.
Quote: he is tired of being supportive of everyone, including his father (this is a new one on me!) OW 1 and OW 2, leaving him paying the price ( ????)
Hmmmm....did oW2 somehow stick him woith the bill from the landlady? Maybe that's why he was so mad about it - maybe he had lent her the deposit money, and now she's not paying it back???
Quote: If I suddenly got a great job and H had to pay me less, would that magically cure everything, I wonder?
No - BUT - if you KNEW it was over, forever and ever, with your H, would you be doing things differently financially?
Is what he currently pays what the courts would mandate in a divorce, or is it more? (I seem to remember it was more?) If so - you would have to earn more anyway if you divorced, right? So there may be an unwanted kernel of truth in what he says about you needing to get more work. (Also - it seems like he is really doubting his ability to continue bringing in a good income - he may be worrying about what will happen to you and dd if he falls apart or is no longer able to bring in the income he used to.His skin cancer scare may also be worrying him.)
So what kind of things could you say to him that would be validating and/or agreeing?
"I know the financial strain is hard on you. We really appreciate all that you do for us, trying to keep dd's life stable. I am looking at jobs at XXXX, but so far have not found anything that would pay be as much as my lessons pay. I promise I will keep looking, though, as I realize I must plan for a better future for myself and dd. "
" I know other people have taken advantage of you (OW -DUH ) and I don't want you to think that dd and I fall into that category".
"Yes, I suppose last summer I did miss some income opportunities, although with school out, it didn't seem like there was much to stay for. Frankly, I was having such a hard time emotionally dealing with the OW2 sitch, I just really needed that infusion of love and family support to get me back on my feet and moving forward with my life. Don't worry, though, I am fine now and feeling quite optimistic about my future."
"Yes, our sex life could certainly have been better. It's sad, really, the way a downward spiral gets going - I felt like you didn't care enough to do the things that please me, and in return, I probably subconsciously didn't try hard enough to please you. You probably felt the same way. In my future relationships I will understand how important it is to be proactive, not reactive, and how to let a man know how to satisfy me better and learn how to satisfy him better."
"We would love it if you were able to move back into town. DD would get so much more time with you, and I would be more free to work and to date. Taking care of dd 24/7 has made it really difficult for me to get on with my social life, as I feel badly spending too much on sitters."
Okay - and here's a question for you, LNL - is there someway you could buy H out of his share of the house? Do you have room to take in a boarder? Could you use the inheritance money (without letting him know about it?).
Start asking yourself - if H died tomorrow, how would you address your financial issues? I do think that if you began to Act As If you couldn't count on him financially, you might make some different choices. Right now your continued reliance on him makes it still seem like you haven't dropped the rope.
