H rang just now and said he planned to come down Wednesday and take out D for a couple of hours after school. I pointed out that it was a school holiday, and so he said, oh, I will find out about the buses and let you know tomorrow. Said he couldn't take D out for lunch as he had lots of things to do. (Implication being that he will be staying the night somewhere or the other, if he is taking D out late.)

The whole conversation took place as if he hadn't sent the emails, and after he told me about taking D out, and asking me if I had seen the photo he sent, he said, right then, that's it.

Here is the gist of letter #1 (the contents of the brackets are my additions) -

It is full of foul language and tells me he won't pay the full mortgage this month (he had agreed that already) and that he has to pay all this money for a house he can't use ( ??) That I come top of his list, and why does he come bottom of mine? Says I don't give a f*** about anyone but myself, that he's sick of my sense of entitlement.... etc etc etc.

Letter #2 says -

He first apologises for the last line of the previous letter, which was "unecessarily insulting". Asks how long he has to go on being cold, poor and lonely. Will he have to support me for the rest of his life? He sees that I am depressed, as I go to bed in the afternoons (that only happened when he was here at the weekend, as I was tired and at a loose end with him "in my space" but with H concentrating on playing with D and leaving me out, as it were). My depression concerns him, but he is tired of being supportive of everyone, including his father (this is a new one on me!) OW 1 and OW 2, leaving him paying the price ( ????) He is sick of playing the saint. (More !!!!?????? ) Does he hate himself so much that he is always in these one sided relationships?? (As far as I know, both OW broke off with H, not the other way around.)

My "not working" was one of the main things that killed his love for me, which was strong enough at the beginning. (At bomb time he told me we got married in haste and should never have done so etc etc) He couldn't see me as his equal because I wasn't. (He is still stuck seeing money as the only measure of work) Says him paying for "everything" (he doesn't) is doing neither of us any good.

Says Saturday night he was angry after being stuck indoors because of non-stop rain, then drinking a glass of rum, which explains his over the top reaction to the cell phone call. Says just a year ago he would have finished the whole bottle. But he is not like that any more.

Says he has made his peace with OW 1 and OW 2, and he wants to make peace with me, but it is not possible until I allow him to live (ie I don't depend on him financially. He was with OW 1 and 2 a total of a few months, he has been married to me eleven years, with a kid). Says I have all the power (making him stick to the SA. He want it revised.)

Thinks the best thing to do is to sell the house and divide it 1/3 to him, 2/3 to me. Tells me to rent a small flat, invest some money, set up a trust for D. Get rid of the mountains of junk in the garage (from our move, lots of that junk is HIS!! He has not lifted a finger to help sort out this house since he left, except for being forced to pay for the roof repair.)

Then proceeds to give me the usual advice of getting a job in the schools etc that he has been saying ever since the bomb, but this time didn't mention best friend of OW 1 at least!

He was angry about my ten week holiday this year, not only because it took D away form him but it was a lost opportunity to get income (Schools close for three months here...) Asks how a judge would view this, not that he intends to go to court or anything... (veiled threat here.)

Says it has never been easy to talk to me about things that really count (he means money) 'cause he says that I always assumed that they didn't really count, only my sacred womanly task of bringing up a child at home mattered. But the world is not like that, all the mothers at school work (not quite true, but many do and have the full support of the extened family, which we don't have. The irony here is that I have always felt H did so little other than earn - he used to boast that he could get loads of work done in six hours and be free by 2 pm every weekeday - that I was afraid that if I took on a job I would be stretched to the limit!!) This imbalance is what destroyed the marriage, according to him. (Not his going off with OW!??)

Says another thing is that we never got on in bed. Which was no one's fault. (When I told him what I liked, he once told me it was too much work!!)

And my rejection of the country we lived in - although he says that is the past. (He complains more about this country than I do these days!!)

He didn't help things by taking on and accepting ALL the responsibility - bringing me to this country, satisfying me in bed, therefor undertaking the full financial burden etc. (No mention of his bad investments and consequent loss of money, necessitating a mortgage).

He realises he might have been able to save our marriage if he had been harder on me. Insisted on me getting a job etc.

(Indeed, he has left it rather late, hasn't he?? Did I even know all this was going through his mind before the bomb? Just a year before the bomb he assured me the amount of mortgage he was taking on was easily "do-able". Right now if we were together we would be comfortable, if not well off on our combined income. So what's up???)

Wants to know how long this is going to go on. etc etc.

You get the picture.

If I suddenly got a great job and H had to pay me less, would that magically cure everything, I wonder?

Livnlearn

"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates