It went very well, I must say. I felt calm and relaxed and happy throughout.
We went to a Chinese restaurant. D wanted to order just plain white rice. I looked unhappy at that and suggested noodles with vegetables (D is a vegetarian). H and D looked at each other, then H explained to me that just white rice followed by icecream is what D ALWAYS had!
I had difficulty in just listening to this and then saying, OK, you decide what you want to have, and leaving it be, but I did. That is because I have always been very concerned to give D a healthy diet. I happen to believe that good health is a result of healthy living. There was a time when H went along with this, although I NEVER forced him to eat anything or to not eat anything. But now he revels in feeling he has no obligation to look after himself and his health. He puts me in mind of President Bush Senior saying he would NOT eat his broccoli!
Says he LIKES smoking - although for years he said kissing a woman who smoked was like kissing an ashtray. He drinks a fair amount of strong black coffee, doesn't have a very good diet as he has to cook for himself, and has taken up smoking post bomb. He smokes all over D, and she comes back from visits to him reeking of it. Of course he lets D eat whatever she wants, when she is with him. I guess I can tolerate that if it happens about two weekends a month. I shudder to think what her health would be like if he was the PWC.
I think this whole "I'll do whatever I darn well want" attitude is sort of a reaction to being in the marriage where I would tell him he needed to set some kind of example to D in his behaviour, but he never bought into that idea.
After the meal he said, do you mind if I smoke? I took a while to think about what to say, when H himself said, I know the answer to that! He didn't smoke.
We reminisced about a few things in our shared past.
He talked about his latest work regarding his personal work. He has switched to a direction that he himself was disparaging only a year or two ago. H is very fickle. When I looked puzzled, he looked sheepish and grinned.
He mentioned OW 2 quite a lot. Told me about some Christmas traditions from her country. Like, did I know that in (her country) they did this and that? I said, no I didn't! But kept my face neutral.
Then he said, OW 2 was back for a couple of days, trying to get her rent deposit back, but her landlady was a b***h and refused to return most of it on spurious grounds, saying that the house had not been left in clean and good condition, but H said OW spent five days cleaning it. He admitted that OW 2 wasn't the cleanest and tidiest person, but when she cleaned, then she did a good job. The landlady's objections were all spurious... Did I need to know all about this???
It seems OW 2 was in tears over losing so much of her deposit. Then D asked, where did OW 2 get so much money from? H was taken aback and slightly irritated by this question, and said, from work or from her husband...(!!!! ) Good, at least D knows that OW 2 has a husband of her own.
This thing about OW returning for two days to get her money back is strange - she lives in another country many hundreds of miles away, it must have cost quite a lot to come and get her money????
H was all worked up on her behalf, saying that if there is one thing he has learnt in this life, it is that that most people are b*****ds and will do anything to make a bit of money. The landlady is a well off school headmistress and must be the biggest hypocrite around, trying to steal money from a poor defenceless foreign woman. He told me of his fantasy to go cut all her tyres one night.....
All the while I just sat there, listening, with a look of mild bemused interest on my face.
I mentioned that we would be away in the mountains this weekend, and he immediately tried to guess who we were visiting (correctly) and said, send them my love.
He asked me YET AGAIN about the timings of the doctor's surgery. I wondered if he was fishing for an invite to stay the night, as he would have to rush to catch the last bus. But I left it, I am busy today and tomorrow and will not invite him unless he initiates, except for Christmas and after the op.
I paid for my part of the bill, he looked a little amused when I took the money out.
All in all, I felt fine, and after he kissed me goodbye on the cheeks, I realised that I didn't want to ever kiss him again without him wanting it, and I was prepared to accept his not wanting it until he did, if ever, want it. I felt great!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
