Quote: It is sometimes too easy to believe that we are the center of someone else's life.
You are saying that when H calls and is upset or angry I make the mistake of thinking it is about me? Or are you saying something else?
Being a recovering control freak, well who am I trying to kid, a certified control freak, I have to remind myself that not only can I not control others, they have their own life and associated problems. I've found that if I step back and listen without making those ASSumptions we are so good at making it allows me to hear their real concerns and sometimes fears. Always try to believe that hubby is upset with the given situation not you personally. Benifit of the doubt time here, but this should generate a much more positive response from both of you.
In the past few days he has given signs of wanting and needing you back in a more complete way.
What signs? Staying here?
I read in one of those thousand or so self help books I've subjected myself to that in a relationship you are seen in a dominant trait of being a nurturer, a threat, a person for sex, a provider or something else. I can't remember them all. I think it is in 'Getting the love you need' by Gray. I think that hubby's relaying fears shows he is seeing you as something less of a threat and possibly more nurturing. Remember that you only have to hear his fear, not fix, to show compassion. I'm sure he has always felt the best about himself and your relationship when he was a great provider. He's facing the base fear of not being that. His self worth has been hit and just acknowledging and sharing with you is a good step.
What an opportunity to show support and that you have set personal boundaries as not to suffocate or control him.
I am trying very hard to show support. I am trying to validate him although when he talks about money it is really about my interests against his. It is difficult. He had a quiet period and so have I, workwise and moneywise.
I am also trying to set boundaries for myself, regarding weekends. So far as I know, this weekend H is having D up there with him. I don't really want him to come down at the last minute, as I have planned to work this weekend on my personal project. I will not be able to concentrate with them here. I think it unlikely that he will invite me up yet, but if he does I will seriously consider going.
What I am trying to do is be friendly when he contacts me, let him know that he can come here too if he wishes (but not always at the last minute so that my plans go out the window). I haven't mentioned him staying here after the minor op, or over Christmas yet. I need to raise the subject of Christmas soonish. I don't want to sound too eager or pushy, but I would like to have some idea of what is going to happen. Got any ideas about how to approach this?
Make your own plans as if he is not involved and then present them to him. Then give to hubby with the innocent remark of 'I didn't know if you wanted me to pencil you in for anything.' This gives him an easy out to say he has other plans, etc.
Do you see evidence that I am trying to smother him? Honest opinions always welcome here!
Re-read your response here. And then go and read the detachment thread. Always being, and needing I might add, to be available can't be good for your own detachment. I asked a couple of weeks ago for you to find a way to step back and take time for YOU. Have you found any of that ME time yet?
