Quote: By the way, H says he will need to take it easy for a few days after they remove the growth (on his leg) as he will have stitches, and he says in the hills he needs to be mobile. I would like to tell him that he is welcome to put up here for a few days afterwards so he can be comfortable. Hope he doesn't see it as smothering or manipulation.
I think he's fishing for the invitation, myself
Make the offer, in a very simple manner "you know you're welcome to stay here if you need to". Then don't pursue it further.
Hey - if he's at your house for a few days, it would give you the opportunity to create a little "mystery" - dress up and go out on a "date" one night, get flowers delivered to your apartment the next day You could wait a day or so and see how he's behaving before you put this plan into motion.
Glad it is a carcinoma, not a melanoma. Although it sounds like a big one, they usually are not as likely to metastasize.
One more thing about the lunch, H talked at length about the film 'The Swimmer' that he'd watched again after many years. It is about a guy, Ned, (Burt Lancaster) who decides to swim 'home' by running betweeen the swimming pools of the various people that he knows, swimming in their pools and running on to the next. At each pool he talks to his friends (sometimes there is a barbque party going on), but as the film progresses it get more and more hostile, it seems that Ned has been left by his wife, and children, he lost his job, he owes money to all and sundry, and people don't like him. He reaches home and it turns out to be an abandoned house. H was saying it was the most painful movie to watch. It is all about loss.
Another thing. H is staying somewhere in town, I don't think he could have made the last bus back up after his appointment and also I tried to contact him at home by phone this evening and he wasn't picking up. But he didn't mention anything to me about it. He may well just be staying with friends... (Bad Livnlearn, don't speculate!!)
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: Another thing. H is staying somewhere in town, I don't think he could have made the last bus back up after his appointment and also I tried to contact him at home by phone this evening and he wasn't picking up. But he didn't mention anything to me about it. He may well just be staying with friends... (Bad Livnlearn, don't speculate!!)
Maybe he DID catch the bus and was just outside when you called. Maybe he missed the bus and stayed with friends. Maybe he slept in the park on a bench like a bum! Maybe, maybe, maybe - you DON'T know, the answer is probably innocent, and even if it isn't, it doesn't help you to speculate on it.
I find it more interesting that he talked about that film. How did you respond? Seems like a lot is percolating just under the surface with H right now.
Quote: I find it more interesting that he talked about that film. How did you respond? Seems like a lot is percolating just under the surface with H right now
Well, I remember the film vaguely from watching it many many years ago, and I was interested in it and what he had to say about it. I just looked interested and talked about a couple of things, didn't make any pointed comments about it or anything.
If H ends up spending Christmas with me and D, which I would like very much, I would hope we could spend a couple of days just watching films together and talking about them. It's a little early to talk about Christmas plans with him and I don't want to seem like I am pressuring him but I will need to know what's happening. It is supposed to be his turn to have D for Christmas, but I can't see them doing that at his present place in the hills somehow.
But more than being the default option, I want to be the great option for H. I want HIM to be a great option for me.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Just wanted to say hope things are going better. I really am trying to stay off the bb for awhile. Just can't help but lerk, I guess I'm afraid I'll miss something important.
hang in there
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
I hope things are going well in your neck of the woods.
Today was a beautiful morning and I spent some time in the park after dropping off D at school.
A possible new student is coming to talk to me today.
H mentioned more than once that these days he always wakes up at four in the morning, which annoys him. Depression? He doesn't seem exactly depresssed around me, I must say. He sounded very depressed when he made the phone call two days to talk about money. He was saying how much money he needed to put together just to get a new place in a nearby town that is a bit more convenient for transport and shopping etc. He needed advance rent and a deposit etc.
I just put my finger on another thing that annoys me about his talk of having D more often. Just two months ago he was 'warning' me that he would be away for about eight months of next year in my country of origin working on his project, so at that point he was expecting me to be there for D full time, but when it comes to cribbing about money and wanting to pay me less, then he wants to see more of D. (The idea being that if H takes D off my hands more, he can pay me less.) Grrrrrrrr!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
H rang this evening, from his place, and he said he had got more work today (he works freelance) and that the last four days had been very quiet, he had been very worried about money... so that is probably what brought on all that talk about finances on Monday. He sounded much more optimistic today. I guess what he says to me really is a barometer for what is going on in his life, not a reaction to me every time.
His parcel arrived today, and he said, just send it up with D when she comes up for the weekend, then said (a slip?) I am too busy to come down for the next few days, I have all this work on. Was he thinking of coming down? Like I have said, I need this weekend for myself anyway, so I am content for D to go up to him.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: I guess what he says to me really is a barometer for what is going on in his life, not a reaction to me every time.
Bingo!!!!
Quote: he said, just send it up with D when she comes up for the weekend, then said (a slip?) I am too busy to come down for the next few days, I have all this work on. Was he thinking of coming down? Like I have said, I need this weekend for myself anyway, so I am content for D to go up to him.
Okay - but do devise a response just in case he asks you at the last minute to come up with her. Not expecting him to ask that, but anything's possible - after all, he's feeling better about himself now that he has work, if you came up too he would have help with dd, could maybe get a little more work done, and - hey - some of that warmth he's been gravitating towards lately?
It is sometimes too easy to believe that we are the center of someone else's life. In the past few days he has given signs of wanting and needing you back in a more complete way. What an opportunity to show support and that you have set personal boundaries as not to suffocate or control him.
That was a song D used to sing, "Always look on the bright side". 
You could wait a day or so and see how he's behaving before you put this plan into motion. 
