Thanks for you post. I think I made the right decision in not pressuring or tempting H to come down, I feel so much more tranquil. I went to bed at a reasonable time last night and got up later than usual, so I feel relaxed this morning.
Last night H emailed again, to answer a question I had asked him. I aim to keep up with friendly and light emailing back and forth.
I have started getting the rejoice ministries emails. I am not a religious person, but I have understood that dropping the anger and blame will 'prepare' you for any eventual turning around on the part of one's H, and might even precipitate it. Who would want to return to an angry and bitter spouse? They stress this point in their emails.
But in order to drop the anger/irritation etc, I also need some ME time to collect myself and attend to other preoccupations on my mind these days. I am a little too fragile to manage a complete AS IF weekend in the face of anger or selfishness from H. Best to be with him when I am UP and not wobbling!
So, back to getting the house in order for my guests' arrival and looking forward to a fun weekend.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Hi LnL - I too believe in the notion of having ME time and collecting oneself - it is wonderful that you seem to have gotten over the anxiety of what H might or might not be doing or thinking, and feel entirely comfortable putting you first and foremost on the agenda. Awesome
Happy cleaning (I actually find this therapeutic )
H called on Saturday while we were out to chat, then he rang again first thing this morning to chat with everyone, then he called again this evening after they had left, to ask how the weekend went and to tell me about his day. He had visited friends of ours elsewhere. So all in all he callled a number of times.
His nephew and wife themselves brought up the subject of H. H took D to visit them one weekend just before the bomb when I was in my country of origin for a month, working on my personal project. He told them he planned to leave me and that he would email me this info, in fact he would email the info to the friend I was staying with to relay to me... They were horrified by the news, and the apparent way he was going to let me know. In fact he waited till I returned to tell me. Nephew said he had this awful feeling he was basically repeating what H's father (nephew's own grandfather) had done, which was to abondon his wife with two young children and only get in touch on a few occasions ever again, he didn't even support them, apart from a few 'gifts'. I assured them that he hadn't completely abandoned us. But I said those exact words to him at the time of the bomb, that he seemed to be turning into the very father he despised. (At least the behaviour he despised.)
They also mentioned that he went to visit them with OW 1 in tow a few months later. They didn't say anything about OW 1 and I didn't ask.
Then, we went into town by bus in the evening to look around. As we were going along, D comes up to me and announces that OW 1 has just got on the bus with her son. I said, I will survive, don't worry, and just continued chatting to nephew and co. OW 1 was up at the front, I saw the back of her head, I don't know if she saw me. This is the second time only that I have seen her (sort of) since the bomb. Someone who was my friend for nearly ten years.
I really didn't want to revisit the hurts of those early times. But all I can say is that H managed to give me the impression, around the bomb, that even this couple somehow were "on his side", very subtly, by saying that the wife had commented on how I wasn't the woman I was etc etc. Sort of - it's completely understandable how he would want to leave a useless person like me. I am SURE this kind of stuff goes on consiously or unconsiously in order to justify to the LBS and themselves what the WAS is doing. My self esteem was in TATTERS after what H told me around the time of the bomb. It was bad enough that my beloved spouse wanted to leave me, but he seemed to have gathered up evidence from all his/our friends that I was worth leaving. I now have seen that in EVERY case this was not so, perhaps it is just what H wanted to see, and projected on to me.
I managed to pass the weekend feeling upbeat and on top of things. I must surround myself with good friends and people who will help keep my spirits high. They have invited me to go visit them, perhaps even next month.
Later
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I forgot to say that last night sis and I were IMing, and she started saying derogatory things about H and his relatives, and I just ignored them, pretended I was distracted by something my end and didn't respond to her digs. I know that last year I vented away to sis about things, this was mostly before knowing about DB and stuff. I now see how utterly unconstructive it is (in fact destructive), so I avoid it as much as I can. I cannot be in the right frame of mind to GAL and forgive H and be good to myself and H if I am constantly raking up H's misdemeanors and talking him down to third parties.
I have realised this, no matter how "DESERVING" (by their "BAD" behaviour) of our bad/angry/ill tempered responses our spouses are, if we continually make our Ms an unwelcoming place to be, then our spouses will look elsewhere. And that's what happened.
This morning, H rings and says he has his appointment with the doctor at four o'clock tomorrow. He is coming down to the city and wants to take D out for lunch from school, will I let her teacher know? I said, OK. Then he says, do you want to come too? I said, OK! Then H says, by the way, I am having another mail order package delivered to your address, so if it comes by tomorrow, will you bring it along with you? I must have sounded a little questioning in my pause, 'cause he says, it is too difficult to change the delivery address from what it was. Really??
So, let's see what tomorrow brings!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
H rang this evening. Wanted to talk about money, says he is broke, he can't go on paying me what we have agreed. He can't make ends meet on what he earns and pays me, he would like to move away from where he is, down to the city preferably, he can't afford to. He doesn't want to argue with me, but what am I doing about the situation? Why don't I approach the woman who is OW 1's best friend, she has lots of contacts and knows the people where there are jobs going. I didn't answer that, I just don't want to have anything to do with OW 1 or her best friend, EVER again. Is this too much to insist upon?
H wants to come down and live in the city, and look after D more, so he can pay me less too. I feel irritated by this, as when it was bomb time he cheerfully told me, even seemed to expect of me, that I would return to my country, he would give me the equity of the house and he would be washed of all responsibilities for myself and D. Of course, he would 'require' me to send D out to him a couple of times a year for the holidays. D was only 7, yet he thought I would put her on a plane, unaccompanied, for a two hour international flight. He seemed to want a clear path for his life with OW 1.
I don't want to punish hime, but neither do I want to have to bend over backwards to accomodate him after he has taken such a selfish decision. We are NOT able to earn equally well at the moment, why should I pretend that things are equal? And he has NEVER taken on equal responsibility for D either before or after the bomb, although he has brought home the bacon. I think anyone reading my threads knows that he is somewhat of a fair weather Dad.
Throughout the convo I just said uh huh and stuff to what he was saying. I did point out that my getting a 'proper' job wouldn't solve anything as those kinds of jobs are badly paid. Basically he has to pay a big tax bill this week and it is getting to him.
Right now I can't afford to have him pay me less. H sees me as the obstacle to his having a decent life. I guess I do resent that I have to turn my life upside down in order to accomodate HIS decision. He also promised me that he would abide by the agreement no questions asked until the end of the year, without pressuring me for a re-evaluation.
There are one or two friends who just tell me to ignore him and let him pay, he is the one who left, let him pick up the tab for his decision.
Please give me some ideas about validating without being a pushover.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Sounds like he's trying to get you hostile. Just let him say whatever he "needs" to say. Just don't get into a confrontation with him about this. He may change his tune tomorrow or next week. If you confront him and it turns into a big hostile situation, he'll just use it to justify everything. The guilt for saying what he said will eventually kick in with him.
That's just my opinion and maybe I'm way off though. Don't let him walk all over you but also, don't let him fuel a fight. NOT fighting with him will annoy him even more.
I found this in the "Newcombers" section under "Detaching". I thought it might apply to you and something you might want to try with your hubby. I hope it helps, even if it is a little bit.
"This was originally posted by Peanut. ============ II. Detachment Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship. Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals. We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness. If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’ It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
If I have nothing constructive to say, I will say nothing.
Forgot to say at the end of the last post -
At the end of the call, I told H that I had had an idea, prior to his call - that H should collect D from school and come home here for lunch, as both of us are broke at the moment and can do without having to shell out for a meal in a restaurant. He readily agreed.
Maybe I should just validate him and let him see that I am not exactly rolling in it either - we can share a crust together???
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
H brought D home for lunch, which was pleasant. D and H horsed around as usual, lots of tickling, giggling, laughing, shouting, throwing of stuff around. I retired to my bedroom for ten minutes, as I couldn't think of what to do in the same room. I don't like being reduced to a "don't touch" position, I am just the ex-wife. But I wasn't grumpy, just read a book.
By the way, when H arrived, he kissed me on both cheeks - again I get the feeling he was quite eager to do it, as he also did it on his way out, but at the same time it feels very controlling. "I will decide how much of a kiss you get/whether you get a kiss or not" sort of thing. I LIKE being kissed, but I wish I had the option of choosing to do it on my timetable too! I feel inhibited to do anything, lest it be interpreted that I am misunderstanding him blah blah blah.
Anyway, H went on to his skin specialist appointment, and I decided to ring him afterwards (a change for me as he usually rings me for 'chats', if at all) to ask him how it went. He says he has a carcinoma which has to be removed by surgery and after that it will be examined. He was still at the clinic place, he said he would ring again later to speak to D.
I always tend to interpret his "I will ring to speak to D" as a slight upon me - "you are not worth speaking to" - but I suppose I could see it as him not wanting to directly admit that he might like to keep in touch with me too. Who knows.
All I know is that when I go down that path of thinking, my mood gets pulled down and I wallow in self-pity and resentment, so I ain't going there!!
This week and weekend I have lots of work to do on my personal project, I just hope that H can take D this weekend, to give me time to get on with what I plan.
By the way, H says he will need to take it easy for a few days after they remove the growth (on his leg) as he will have stitches, and he says in the hills he needs to be mobile. I would like to tell him that he is welcome to put up here for a few days afterwards so he can be comfortable. Hope he doesn't see it as smothering or manipulation.
Re: work - I have decided to just have a MEGA POSITIVE attitude and do the best I can, I am SURE something will turn up!!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
) 
But I wasn't grumpy, just read a book.