Beautiful thought processes!! I can sense your spirits lifting already with the positive thinking! Yes, show hubby you care and are concerned, but HIS welfare for now has to be secondary to you getting and keeping your demeanor up up up
It is going to take more than just an 'I am happy' mantra. Start thinking short term, attainable goals to grow upon. These simple successes can be so pleasurable, and contagious
The jury is still out on whether I invite H to join us for part or all of this weekend.
H will ring this evening to speak to D, so I need to have a plan ready, one way or the other.
By the way, IF I do invite him and he declines for whatever reason, I will NOT pout, I see it as an opportunity to have a relaxing weekend in good company, that's all.
By the way, H is not close to any of his family at all. I doubt he is *much* closer to his nephew and family than I am, frankly.
I think if this were any other family coming to stay, I would just get on with it and carry on without H, like I'm living my life. I really need to do that. But because they are H's relatives, I feel I should at least offer to include him.
Any further ideas from anyone, before this evening's call?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Why not just invite him and accept whatever answer he gives? Act AS IF you have no stake in the outcome? You implied that if it was any other visitor, you'd do this. Since it appears that they are not closer to him than you, why would this fact make things any different?
If he chooses not to come, tell yourself it is for the best because he might not conduct himself in a manner that you would find pleasing in your home. If he does? Great! Then he's at least making some attempt to reconnect with folks...
Just my musings...
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I think I'm going to call you Superdog! You certainly get around to a heap of threads!! You must type at the speed of light. Do you get any work done in that office??
Thanks for weighing in.
I finally sent H a short and casual email telling him his folks were going to be here, and that he was welcome to join us if he wished. Let's see what happens. Like I have said, I will be happy either way, with or without H this weekend.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
UGH! Believe it or not, I get way too much work done here at the office. I'm beyond piled up and when I surface for air, I have to do it in some big chunks. I've been working extra hours on the side, and self help seems to keep me plugging along.
If you haven't guessed, one of my hats here is bean counting and this is my most stressful time of year. I accomplish a big task and reward myself for a good job by doing something mindless for awhile. I have about 3 months of hard work ahead of me.
But you're right, it's time for me to log off and get busy.
Good on you about your plans! Now just commit yourself to enjoying your time with your D and other family members, regardless what your H does.
I promise you that it's liberating to make choices that make you happy.
Betsey, trying NOT to work
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
He addressed me as "Hi Livnelearn!" which is a baby step, sounding more friendly than a simple "Hi". Also thanked me for my email.
He said, of course I would like to see nephew and co, I haven't seen them in more than a year. Of course I couldn't stay overnight as there wouldn't be place, maybe I could stay elsewhere. I don't know, I'll ring and tell you tomorrow.
I said, OK you do that. I do have sleeping bags and mats, but it is up to you, just let me know.
Then he spoke to D.
So, I have done the inviting, it is up to H to follow up or not.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Not to read too much into it, but it does seem to be a good sign when they start being willing to reconnect with family and friends, etc. - rather than pushing everyone away.
He says he doesn't think he will come down, he has an appointment with a skin specialist on Tuesday, it would be too much going to and fro. I don't know if this is a hint to be invited to stay down from Sunday till Tuesday, but I think I will leave it for now.
Why? Because, I could do with a peacful time this weekend, where I can just relax. And also I don't want to appear too pursuing and eager. And thirdly, I think H should 'enjoy' some time on his own, perhaps. I need space from him too.
Earlier this year he talked about needing to stand on his own two feet (emotionally speaking), but frankly he hasn't done this, he has had the crutch of one or other OW most of the nineteen months of our separation. It is best if I am not just a crutch for him, and he takes time to reflect on things.
Also, I think H might find it awkward being in his OWN house yet having to be the one who sleeps on the floor or whatever, like he's the outsider.
More musings -
About his insistance that he is my "ex-husband". I think it has very much to do with his feeling the need to start with a clean slate, to feel he is not cheating on me/his marriage vows by being with OW 1 or 2. Keeps his conscience clear. He emailed me at New Year admitting that he had betrayed me with OW 1 even though at bomb time he had insisted that they were only good freinds and all that stuff. So the guilt was obviously getting to him.
He has also repeatedly said throughout this year, things like, I am his ex-wife, the only thing he can offer me is financial support, things "changed for him this summer" (when he took up again with OW 2). So even *if* he were having second thoughts, it is quite a journey BACK from those positions.
I don't feel like a great catch myself right now. I am getting there, but I have been quite depressed these two to three months, with my Mum passing and all the other stuff. My face has erupted in spots, I thought I had left them behind years ago!!
I need some ME time, to recover. I will insist that H have D with him next weekend, as I plan to have some fun time myself.
Ellie, I really don't feel much anger towards H, it really IS just a need to look after myself and recover my poise and self esteem and health and get rid of the bags under my eyes and all that.
I still have as my goal being able to spend some time over Christmas together. But that is still many weeks from now, there's time to get myself a little bit better sorted out before then.
As for the diet, I am stuck at the weight I was before I flew to other country for my Mum. (I still have a voice mail message that she left here a couple of days before she went, I listen to it now and then, it is strange, she is ringing to talk to me about her sister's funeral arrangements, but she sounds normal and healthy ) I still think I am waiting for the delayed reaction to her passing. Right now H is incapable of being any kind of comfort, he has not mentioned her at all since the phone call when I informed him that she was gone. He is in needy mode, and I am as well.
One advantage of his not coming down is that I won't have to go through my computer erasing all traces of having been on this site and various other things!! I can keep my signing in cookies another week or two!
I plan to reply to his email with a cheerful OK and some WOA.
Have a good weekend everyone!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
