More to tell you.

H kept me at arm's length the whole time. Very distant.

He mentioned OW 2 a number of times in various contexts. Things like -

"I never bought good whisky up in the hills - if I had had a bottle of it OW 2 would have glugged it all."

"I just found a large banknote in my bag, I suppose OW 2 could have left it for me, she did owe me money."

And various other references, like jokes she had told him etc.

He mentioned his house being very cold and told me of a huge heating bill he had had last winter. Well, months ago he told me OW 2 had a habit of never turing off lights and things and he always had to go after her and do it. (I used to be the one turning off stuff after him!)

So it seems to me that OW 2 was an expense for him in many ways, but he has used me to vent his spleen on in when his finances weren't too good.

But all these references to OW 2 were very casual, without an element of complaining or anything. Then, he mentioned perhaps doing a project in her country next year. It sounds like she has left living here, but things might not be completely over between them. Why else make such a big deal of there not being anything between us?

Then he told D something about "when he moves to his new place.... but it won't be anytime soon".

Another time he made a joke about how he would probably end up being at his present place five years from now.

He talked about being scared that he was only a few years away from being fifty years old. How the back of his hands looked old. He wanted me to look at a spot at the back of his neck that he was worried about (it looked like a pimple to me...)

All the while I just listened with little comment, or said something and joked if it was appropriate.

I diffused one potentially bad situation. I came out of the room on Saturday afternoon after a short lie down to find H banging the pots in the sink, doing the washing up. He was energetically scouring my non-stick pan with an abrasive scourer. I started to tell him he needed to use the other one, when he turned around with a look of intense irritation and anger at me.

I thought, here we go, another scene from our marriage about to be played out? But I slowed down, put my hand on his back, said "Look, I am not criticising you, but I am requesting you to use the other sponge. That scourer shouldn't really be out there, it is only for stubborn stuff on the metal pans, it ruins everything else. There's the other sponge." Then I turned around and went and sat on the sofa, even though I was itching to go in and sort out the mess in the kitchen and intrefere. So he carried on normally after that. I guess by being explicit that I wasn't criticising him and almost saying it was my fault for leaving the abrasive sponge out, he didn't take it personally.

Here are the dos and don'ts -
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Remember, Livnlearn, NO PRESSURE!
I didn't put any pressure on him that I am aware of

Don't ask H if he has made his dermatologist's appointment yet.
Didn't ask about that. He mentioned his spots and being concerend about them. I was concerned, but didn't badger him or mother him.

Don't ask if he has made plans/bookings to go to my country of origin.
I didn't mention his trip. He said it would probably be sometime next year now. That's if he didn't go somewhere else before that (that set off alarm bells re: OW 2 in her country) but then H finished with "Not that I have any big plans". (H has plans... )

Take an interest in his project.
I asked how it was coming on. He said he would work on it the following two weeks. Said he hadn't yet got bored and lonely enough for him to be driven to it! (OW 2 has only been gone since Thursday)

Laugh and smile a lot.
I did for the most part, except for a couple of times, like this morning.

Think before speaking!
I did. Didn't say anything about his going to see a film, though in the past I would have had LOTS to say!! I diffused the washing up situation too.

Don't unload onto him my worries and difficulties with D - done that once already this week, got to ration that stuff!
Not really. He got to see how diffiuclt D can be regarding homework. I mentioned that it had been a difficult week with her, without going into details. He of course left without having her finish all her homework, she is sitting doing it right now, as they have today off school.

Enjoy!
To the extent possible. It felt like a strain at times. With H telling me there is nothing in it for us, I feel like every time I laugh or joke, he thinks it is just a ruse to get him to like me or come back to me, he is holding me at arm's length, which is wearying and not natural, not even what you would do with a friend.

I think my main problem with this whole weekend, is that he has made use of me once again. During HIS visitation weekend with D, I still have to get her to do most of the homework, he gets to see a film without us, I get to do the most work regarding cooking and washing up, and I didn't do what I had planned. I can't take the advice that I just go out and do my own thing while H is here, I just feel that he would use the place even more like a hotel than he already does, cause then we would't owe me any consideration at all.

Also, I am tired of being weary and tired and grief stricken, I really am. Maybe I am just not cut out to be happy and merry with an H around who is so expicit about there being NO HOPE bwtween us. Making it so obvious how little he cares.

I think I need to pull back, just for myself and my own sanity. I need to drop the rope. I need to not care too much what H is up to at all, I need to get a life all right.

I need to make sure he takes the responsibility of taking D when it's his turn. I need to be less available to him to take up the slack. Have I been at this place before? Yes I have, I do not want to go over old ground again and again.

I do not want to get into the same old same old again -

I am a doormat. I get hurt and feel used.
I pull back,
H turns nasty.
H apologises eventually.
I am once again a doormat.

Livnlearn

"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates