I'm sorry you are feeling alone these days. I hear your disappointment with regard to your friend not being available for you. I went through a very similar situation with my GF who was with me and supported me the entire 36-hour period after S. left me - after a few weeks she suddenly didn't return my e-mails, calls...
It is painful when a trusted friend suddenly seems or is unavailable. In the case of my friend, she was very busy at work, had a new boyfriend, was trying to move, and finally through my haze of pain I realized that I was being a REAL bummer to her, and desperately needy, and I probably would have retreated from her a little under the circumstances, too.
Just as our partners need cave time, so do our friends.
Stellar DBing on your part, by the way, by being so casual in the wake of the EX-HUSBAND comment. Not to play Let's Speculate, but he could have been trying to gauge your reaction.
Quote: Stellar DBing on your part, by the way, by being so casual in the wake of the EX-HUSBAND comment. Not to play Let's Speculate, but he could have been trying to gauge your reaction.
Not to speculate....( )... but yes, it does seem rather strange that he should bring it up after all the times he has stayed at my place!
Like, I'm suddenly going to have qualms aout having my "ex-husband" to stay over?
Talking about speculation, it is hard to quash the negative assumptions that continually pop up in one's head, so I guess it is healthy to at least think up alternative positive explanations to counterbalance them.
All I can say is, with what seems like the two OW out of the picture, it may prove a little easier DBing! Let's see!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Hi LnL - Interesting train on the 'labels' of ex-H and ex-W. I'm curious - if you met H through friends for the first time, how would you find him? How do you think he'd find you?
I will answer your question another time, as I have guests coming to dinner, and have to go cook.
However, just wanted to journal. H rang this evening - he always picks Friday evenings to deliver his whammies, I've noticed! Sort of something to chew on over the weekend.
Anyway, he rings, and tells me the times for D getting picked up and what time they will arrive back here at my place in the evening. I say, fine.
Then, there's a long pause, and H says, I just want us to be clear about one thing.
I said, and what is that?
H says, this thing about being your ex-husband... I suppose yes, technically, we are not ex yet. But I want us to be clear.
I waited. (Listening!!)
Then I said, H, you do whatever you feel comfortable with, OK?
H paused, thinking. Then he said, I'd like to come down.
I said, OK, see you then!
H says, are you sure you are comfortable with that?
I reply, sure! See you then.
--------------------------------------------
Ok, thinkgs to note.
I have not invited him to stay or even to eat lunch out with me since I returned from the summer vacation, it has all been his initiative. We have done lunch once and this will be his third overnight stay. You could be cynical and say it is for his convenience I suppose.
I have sent him short friendly emails and rung once or twice, mostly to share stuff about D and school. Maybe H feels I am still too pursuing? What do folks think? I don't exactly jump on him when he gets through the door, he sleeps in another room from me.
I get this feeling, that because I am happy for H to stay and evidently enjoy his visits, that he is scared I am imagining it "means something".
Anyway, got to go!
Enjoy your evening all!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Just stealing some advice that Betsey gave KAW and posting it here on my thread, to give myself a pep talk...(modified to refer to my H)
Quote: "The way I see it, losers let things happen and winners make things happen."
Why not see H as someone who is another man, and whose conversation is the only thing you expect from him? It really can help take the sting out of things. Plus this is an ideal opportunity to start using all the DB skills you've learned over the past 2 years: being a good listener, asking interesting questions, showing compassion for a man who is clearly hurting, and employing the 180s that you know will take you farther in this journey than deliberately pushing him away.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Saturday morning (today) D is due to go up to the hills to spend the day with H. Half an hour before she is due to be picked up, H calls and says it is such a cold and miserable day up where he is, it is best if D stays down with me and he comes down early afternoon, after he clears his desk of some work he has to do. Is that OK? I say OK.
After putting the phone down, I think I am being too easy for H. Heck, I had some plans to do some things for myself this weekend, HIS weekend with D. If I had thought it out, I might have suggested that we stick to the origianl plan, that way I could do some more stuff of my own AND made it clear to H that I have GAL!
Next time, perhaps I should think more before jumping in to say something. My problem for sure. It is very hard to SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOW DOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.
Not only that, but within ten mintues the sun had come out and it looks like a cloudless sky up there.
Oh well, I shall make the most of it.
Remember, Livnlearn, NO PRESSURE!
Don't ask H if he has made his dermatologist's appointment yet.
Don't ask if he has made plans/bookings to go to my country of origin.
Take an interest in his project.
Laugh and smile a lot.
Think before speaking!
Don't unload onto him my worries and difficulties with D - done that once already this week, got to ration that stuff!
Enjoy!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Maybe next time he visits, if he's still trying to make sure you aren't going to get the wrong idea - you could arrange to have to leave in the evening for a date! I'd love to see the look on his face when you get all dolled up to go out and leave him there for the evening with D! Even better if you come home very late and slightly drunk!
Obviously, this is only useful if he's still trying to assert that he's your exH - if he really seems to be testing to see if you'll be nice to him, I'd hold off.
Here's my report of the weekend. H has only just left, this Monday morning. I think I kept to most of the dos and don'ts of my last post, but as he made a big deal of kissing D goodbye and then gave me my perfunctory peck on the cheek, I felt an overwhelming sadness and grief that my family has been split like this. Like, he loves D so much, but has to keep at arm's lenght D's mother, his ex-wife and co-parent. He really is calling all the shots around here, and I feel that has got to change. He is calling the shots on how much I can feel about my "ex-husband" in my own home. I think two days is far too long to "act as if" I am OK with this situation, but let me start at the beginning.
D and I were in the park about two hours or more before H's expected time of arrival on Saturday. I get a call on the cell phone that he is already in town, he is having a coffee with the best friend of OW 1 and wants to know if he can turn up soon. I say, OK, being the doormat that I am. Saturday goes OK, we mostly just enjoy time in the park, watch a video and eat. D does "some" homework. I am determined that D finishes all her homework before the end of Sunday, as she always makes a big deal and there is always a drama around her homework. H promises that he will help D with homework on Sunday.
Sunday morning we go to the park again, then H says let's go get a coffee. He orders himself a whisky and a snack, then says to me, you can get this, while giving me a contribution for his drink. I am turned off by this behaviour. It's not as if I didn't pay last time we went out, he is staying the whole weekend and being fed at my place... why make a deal of asking me to pay? I refused his contribution, and went to pay, and more than half the bill was for his stuff, although three of us had something. Nothing major, it just hit a wrong note.
Then he talked about a film in town that he would like to see, would I mind if he went to see it later? I was taken aback, (why should I be, this is typical H behaviour after all) and I said nothing, which he took as OK. D asked, can I come? And H replied, no D, it's a scary movie. This, from a man who lets D watch anything and everything at home and always has done - scary, unsuitable, explicit, you name it. Of course I didn't suggest we ALL go see it as it indeed is supposed to be a scary movie (The Village).
So we went home, had lunch, I went to bed for a nap as I was feeling a bit tired and under the weather, H and D were horsing around noisily the whole time although she was suppsed to be doing her homeowrk with him. Then he came to tell me he was off to see his movie, D hadn't done any homework, she was scared what my reaction would be, so not to say anything to her, he would do some with her when he returned. I got up, was in a bad mood, but decided to make the best of it. I made a cake and then D and I started watching a DVD film together. H came back in the middle and joined us. Then dinner, some homework and bed.
Just going to post this and continue in another post, as I fear my computer is playing up and I don't want to lose what I have written.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: Saturday morning (today) D is due to go up to the hills to spend the day with H. Half an hour before she is due to be picked up, H calls and says it is such a cold and miserable day up where he is, it is best if D stays down with me and he comes down early afternoon, after he clears his desk of some work he has to do. Is that OK? I say OK.
I see a pattern of H making plans to spend time with D and then backing out of at least part of the time. My question is when he does this, does D get disappointed? If so, take yourself right out of it when he asks and say your perfectly fine with him doing so, but that D may be disappointed because she was looking forward to being with him.
Anyway, just a brief comment and want to thank for dropping by and keeping in touch. Will try to catch up some more here.
Slowly 
