At 8 a.m. this morning just before D and I were about to leave for school, the phone rang. I knew it would be H and it was. He was ringing to say it had snowed up in the hills!
So later this morning I emailed him about some stuff to do with D and school and a little bit of chat.
He just replied, to say he had been out walking in the snow, to take OW 2 to her bus. I assume for her to return home and never come back again?????????
(Still no volunteers to do me a gopher dance?? )
Can I take it as a positive that H actually volunteers this information to me? I have never responded to these little nuggets of info with further questions to clarify the situation - much as I would love to know from him that indeed OW 2 has gone for good and will not come back.
Funny how OW 2 arrived here in February on a snowy day (carnival day, and how I remember it!) and has left on a snowy day too.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Last night I rang H. He had just emailed me a query about the gift (a DVD) he was going to order for me online. I wanted to respond to that and also talk about the meeting I had had with D's teachers at school.
The teachers had the same old things to say about D, intelligent, but makes many spelling mistakes and is careless in her written work. Explained how I sat down with D when I could to do spelling practice and whatnot, but things had come up recently and it had got pushed aside.
H said, oh, just send up her books this weekend, I'll make sure we do some stuff. Now, I can't remember what, if anything, I said in responses to that, but I remember thinking, here we go again, all talk, where's the action? I have yet to see H sit down with D and help her with her language work. Now thinking about it, I should have responded, that'll be great H, it would really help D no end, and she especially appreciates it when YOU help her!
I really really need to practice my validation technique. I wrote a post to Betsey over in Hoping just yesterday about how this is a skill that most people are not aware of needing to practice. I had just felt thoroughly unvalidated earlier in the day when I was telling my friend about how I wasted half a morning trying to do errands in the freezing rain and she didn't respond with an ounce of sympathy or empathy!
H asked me about how work was going. I told him of my frustrations - people not turning up without notice, a strike next week which would mean further cancellations etc.
I know in my H's mind, his ability to come down and live in the city is tied to my earning more and therefore him paying me less. He told me about how cold his house is.
While I am willing to do as much work comes my way, I am NOT willing to do any and every kind of work that H proposes. I know that some of it is very stressful and I am not cut out for it. We are talking about teaching classes of pre-school children English here. I am comfortable with and qualified to teach adults only. Or at most, older children. I guess I just have to go out there and get some more adult students!
My mind keeps running along the lines of
"H, if our financial situation is what REALLY drove you away from our marriage, as you have alledged, how much easier would it have been to work out together? We would have POOLED our income, with two parents at home I could have taken on work at much more varied hours, as a single parent I am constrained by my having to be available for D half the day, and without being an emotional basketcase for so long as a result of your betrayal and abandonment, I would have been more fit to find and keep work."
But now it seems I have to do it the hard way, somehow get to earn enough in my present set up to "attract" H back. I don't know if at that point I will respect H for what he has done, truth be told.
Thoughts?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I'm afraid I'm getting into a stinking thinking rut at the moment.
This morning D drove me up the wall with her slowness in getting ready for school, and I just blew it. I screamed at her and stamped my feet and then I burst into tears. I KNOW it was partly just feeling low in general and partly my frustration that she won't listen to me and be more attentive and obedient. I feel so alone on this issue. When I mentioned to H last night that I had had some frustrations with D and dicipline, I don't remember him responding in any way. Not his concern, I suppose.
I am also a little mad at my best friend. Some years ago she left her H and I was very supportive, both by being a listening ear and by running errands and things for her (not encouraging her to leave or anything!!) If I knew then wht I knew now about DBIng I might have been a little different, but her case was rather particular and I can't go into details here.
On the other hand, while she has sort of been here for me, there are days when she is definitely NOT THERE and I feel let down. I feel let down by a number of people, actually. Let down by students cancelling. Let down by my H, my friend, my D's behaviour...
Now, I know one thing, sometimes these blips come all at the same time ('it never rains, it pours') and you feel overwhelmed. It isn't that my friend doesn't want to hear from me, as I know she still has bad days herself. I know H can't be feeling on top of the world with OW 2 just gone. My students don't mean anything personal by their bad behaviour, I will just have to be firmer about what our arrangements are so I don't lose out in the future! And D is just a kid, with kiddish inattention. I have decided to be very attentive with her this evening and tomorrow morning, to see if we can't just ride this one and come out the other end smiling!
There, I feel better already!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
You are not ploughing alone, as we are all here for you or at least I can say with assurance I am here, and I care.
How's that?
It is lonely, it is tough, the demands of being the predominantly on-duty parent are exhausting I know.
Yesterday was my brother's 29th birthday, and he called me as I had thought he might. He is traveling the world on his 31 ft sailboat, his own self proclaimed voyage of self discovery.
In the interest of trying to maintain my R with him, I told him I just need you to love and support me. I do not want or need your disapproval regarding the change in my R with H. He said that he did love and support me but that he felt the need to also play devil's advocate.
I told my brother that the devil whispered enough crap in my ear and that I did not need him to do the same.
I will see what speaking directly to my needs might accomplish.
Have you read some of Sage's introspective/reflective thread? There is a lot there, but one of the things I was reminded of was relegating OW to her proper place. And that the presence of OW was not necessarily a completely accurate baormeter of my R with H.
Thanks for your words. Sometimes we crave a bit of attention, sympathy and validation, but if there's no one around to hear our shouts, then we just have to learn how to crawl out of the hole ourselves.
I am quite pleased about how I managed to work my way out of my own funk in my previous post!
I won't ring H until he gets in touch with me. But when he does get in touch I will be UPBEAT.
I will ring my friend for a chat and be upbeat, I will be upbeat for D this evening, in fact I have a couple of nice little things planned for her. And I have to get on with more chores to get stuff done and find more work.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I hear what you are saying, sometimes it is good just to know that we are not doing this alone.
I am proud of you for working so hard to try and boost your own PMA, it can feel like a big task sometimes when we'd rather have a pity party. A good cry can be cleansing, but a positive attitude can work wonders with those around us.
Wow, you certainly are feeling a little down over here! I'm gonna say something affirming (hoping you will see my incoherent thoughts and words as validation).
((((((LNL))))))
All this stuff happening at the same time is a lot to deal with. Just trying to constantly remain balanced on a teetertotter is really hard work. Then you get a temperature check on your D's school work, and your friend seems to be somewhere else.
It's really not about you and I'd relax, knowing that there is nothing you could do to change the past.
That being said...
+ You realize that your expectations and general mood are what caused you to get upset with D. You've already provided the solution. Kids are so forgiving. Somehow I don't think your D is any different.
+ You're already a teacher, and you have the tools and skills to work with your D on her neatness. I'll bet this isn't an issue in 6 months!
+ You recognize that your friend has been a friend.
Note: LNL, I go through periods of weeding out the people who have become acquaintances and not friends anymore. I used to get very upset by this. But now I see things differently. We change and so must our friends with us if we are to grow with them.
Maybe you expect too much from her than she is really willing to give? Maybe she is someone who doesn't give in a R as much as she takes? Or maybe she's not in a position to offer more? I really see this one as an opportunity to communicate!
Is it possible to grab her for some coffee and QT and devote a little gab session? Make her feel wanted and not needed? Hey, another opportunity to validate ya know!
But do take the time to recognize that she just might not be the friend you need going forward... something not to resent but to celebrate. We outgrow people and they outgrow us. It just means in the grand scheme that another door will be opening wide in the very near future.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
H rings, says about this weekend, his landlord is only going up for the day on Saturday, so I said, what do you propose? He says, how about if D comes up for the day and plays in the snow, then we both come down together Saturday evening, I will stay at your place till Monday morning, when I have some work to do in town. I say, that's fine.
H says, are you sure?
I joke, no, wait a minute, I'll think about it! No, I'm only kidding!
H says, no really are you sure, because I know that you must find it very difficult having me around.
I say, and why would that be?
And H says, well, I am your ex-husband after all.
I started to say, well, you're not technically my ex-husband yet, (we are only legally separated) but then things got a little awkward, so I just said, whatever, you're welcome to come down and stay.
Is there a reason that H is making a big deal of things? Is he fishing to see how I feel? Is he so totally over me that he wants to make it plain that he will have nothing to do with me as a H ever again?
What do I say to him when he says I'm your ex-husband?
Thoughts?
Livnlearn
PS Just thought of something. Maybe I should just go along with his stuff, yes, you are my ex-husband, accept that that is how he sees us. We can still go forward from there!
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: so I just said, whatever, you're welcome to come down and stay.
Perfect! Good job!
Quote: Is there a reason that H is making a big deal of things? Is he fishing to see how I feel? Is he so totally over me that he wants to make it plain that he will have nothing to do with me as a H ever again?
IMHO, this is one of those cheeseless tunnels. Why attempt to overanalyze something that you have no way of knowing right now? He didn't offer to explain, so why not ignore the statement?
I don't know if this helps, but I find it really difficult to wade through labeling Mr. Wonderful. I don't refer to him (except in cases of slips of the tongue, which catch me by surprise) as my H any longer. I merely refer to him by his name... or if it's in context to the girls, I call him "their dad".
It's awkward. And maybe he just found his own way to navigate through things?
If I get to cast a vote, it would be just to keep on keeping on. You did a great job with that answer. Just don't waste any precious time trying to figure out what he *might* be thinking.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
)
You realize that your expectations and general mood are what caused you to get upset with D. You've already provided the solution. Kids are so forgiving. Somehow I don't think your D is any different.
