Last night I rang H. He had just emailed me a query about the gift (a DVD) he was going to order for me online. I wanted to respond to that and also talk about the meeting I had had with D's teachers at school.
The teachers had the same old things to say about D, intelligent, but makes many spelling mistakes and is careless in her written work. Explained how I sat down with D when I could to do spelling practice and whatnot, but things had come up recently and it had got pushed aside.
H said, oh, just send up her books this weekend, I'll make sure we do some stuff. Now, I can't remember what, if anything, I said in responses to that, but I remember thinking, here we go again, all talk, where's the action? I have yet to see H sit down with D and help her with her language work. Now thinking about it, I should have responded, that'll be great H, it would really help D no end, and she especially appreciates it when YOU help her!
I really really need to practice my validation technique. I wrote a post to Betsey over in Hoping just yesterday about how this is a skill that most people are not aware of needing to practice. I had just felt thoroughly unvalidated earlier in the day when I was telling my friend about how I wasted half a morning trying to do errands in the freezing rain and she didn't respond with an ounce of sympathy or empathy!
H asked me about how work was going. I told him of my frustrations - people not turning up without notice, a strike next week which would mean further cancellations etc.
I know in my H's mind, his ability to come down and live in the city is tied to my earning more and therefore him paying me less. He told me about how cold his house is.
While I am willing to do as much work comes my way, I am NOT willing to do any and every kind of work that H proposes. I know that some of it is very stressful and I am not cut out for it. We are talking about teaching classes of pre-school children English here. I am comfortable with and qualified to teach adults only. Or at most, older children. I guess I just have to go out there and get some more adult students!
My mind keeps running along the lines of
"H, if our financial situation is what REALLY drove you away from our marriage, as you have alledged, how much easier would it have been to work out together? We would have POOLED our income, with two parents at home I could have taken on work at much more varied hours, as a single parent I am constrained by my having to be available for D half the day, and without being an emotional basketcase for so long as a result of your betrayal and abandonment, I would have been more fit to find and keep work."
But now it seems I have to do it the hard way, somehow get to earn enough in my present set up to "attract" H back. I don't know if at that point I will respect H for what he has done, truth be told.
Thoughts?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
