Around lunchtime H calls and asks me for details about our doctor and what the visiting hours are. I ask if he is OK as he never bothers a doctor for anything usually. He said he has a mole or something on his leg which OW 2 had pointed out to him might be a benign melanoma most probably, and that he wanted to get it checked out. He has had it since earlier this summer. I couldn't control the "Mummy" in me and asked him, what took you so long to think of getting it looked at?
H said he will come down one day this week and go to the doctors and see D for lunch.
Then we chatted a bit about what I had done so far today, and when I mentioned having a nice breakfast tasting all kinds of recent purchases at a food fair (jam and spreads), he said, maybe he could try some when he was staying the night next!!
I said, Sure!
D mentioned once again today that OW 2 was due to leave and wasn't going to come back.
I am leaving the field open for H to invite himself here or ask me out to lunch. I have had no joy inviting him for SOOOO long, that I am gunshy. He will have to start the ball rolling, if at all. Is that too passive, or correct DBing?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
LNL - have to tell you a funny story about my H's "melanoma".
I was gone to London for 10 days with my mom, right before the bomb (while I was gone H took the kids out to dinner with soon-to-be oW ).
While I was gone, my H (a gynecologist) noticed a spot on his forearm. It looked suspicious for a melanoma (which are not benign, btw, but malignant). Dark, irregular borders, etc. He tried scrubbing it but it didn't come off.H showed it to a couple of colleagues (never ask for dermatological advice from gynecologists!) and they agreed it looked very worrisome, so he set up an appointment with the dermatologist to have it removed (malignant melanoma runs in my H's family).
Anyway, he showed it to me when I got home. I thought it was odd that such a thing could have escaped my attention, and certainly a melanoma wouldn't just appear there in the last ten days. So I got out my bottle of Simple Green (a cleaning solution) and washed his "melanoma" right off his arm - it was a spot of tree sap!
You would have thought my H would have been relieved, but I actually think he was mad at first - now I realize I probably removed one of his "life is too short" rationalizations for the affair!!
This was shortly after My Big Fat Greek Wedding came out, and I felt just like the dad in the movie who thought Windex could cure everything, including zits!
And the moral is - go to a family physician (like me!) if you want a real diagnosis
Ellie
PS - if he is making noises about coming down, go ahead and let him bring it up - but don't be afraid to extend a "casual" invite if he seems to be asking for one.
On Sunday morning H phoned and said, rather than come down to the city and waste a whole day this week, I was thinking of coming down this evening with my landlord and going to see the doctor first thing tomorrow, so would it be OK for me to stay the night at your place? I said, no problem.
He arrived and we had a pleasant evening. He asked about what we had done that day, and I told him about going to the birthday lunch for the one year old - attended by dozens of people who are in fact H's old work colleagues... I had no trouble feeling 'comfortable' with any of them.
We had dinner, D did her homework, and then went to bed. H and I watched a film together.
This morning while D got ready for school and H and I were sitting having a coffee/tea together we had a nice chat about things in general, and even had a few laughs reminiscing about a couple of things. I saw H's eyes actually light up with laughter and he even looked me in the eye briefly. I mean, really looked at me, if you know what I mean, not just a dead look in my direction.
We walked D to school together, then H asked if I wanted to join him for another coffee at a café before he pushed off to the doctor's. Recently he has been happy to push off without any such invite. After that he kissed me goodbye.
Positives -
H invited himself over.
He made himself at home here, I must say. He even washed up the ashtray after emptying out his fag ends, and picked up some bits of fluff off the kitchen floor.
Told me he was ordering some books online, and was there a book I might like as a gift?
Agreed to do me a favour with his new piece of equipment.
Said he wouldn't take something with him this time, he would pick it up next time he was down.
Said he had got back D's pyjamas from OW 2.
I am content to just be H's friend right now and have casual friendly contact from time to time, until he feels relaxed around me. I in turn need to pull myself out of my depression and get moving on all the goals I set myself. I need to focus on the POSITIVES regarding my H and not the negatives.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Thanks for your visit, and glad to see that you are "comfortable" over in Hoping.
H rang again this evening, and I aked him the meaning of the word curmudgeon as I had been discussing it with someone just before he rang, and H replied - well, you were married to one for ten years, LOL!
We then had this inane convo about the word, H sounded as high as a kite and was sort of giggling a lot. He then told me about the favour he is doing for me, he seems very eager to do it. My H was more Mr Procrastinator, as I recall!
Suddenly, there seems to be this lightness and effervescence between us! Long may it last.
Here are some other little observations I made over the last two days.
When here this morning, H says it is so peaceful here in this house. Although it is on the edge of the city, where he lives he can hear the rushing of the river, which he finds disturbing rather than restful.
Talking about the lunch party yesterday, he said he wouldn't have 30 to 40 friends to invite were he to have a party. Obviously finds himself on a bit of a limb at present.
Said off his own bat that he had a problem with drink, that it was best not to keep any in the house, he only drinks when he goes out for a meal. I agree, only last year he blamed his drinking before the bomb on me.
Are these signs of something?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I had a hairy night. I woke up at 2 a.m. feeling bad, went to the bathroom, had a severe attack of vomiting and diarrhoea, then broke out in a freezing sweat and felt I was going to pass out. In fact I did pass out with a big crash onto the tiles and 'woke' myself up in the process. D was a little hysterical, but we both calmed down, I got back into bed and felt better, D fetched me water to drink, and got herself ready for school this morning, a real sweetie she was.
Later this morning I rang H to tell him about what had happened, and he said something I hadn't even thought about, which was that D had just experienced two close relatives dying so it probably had her quite frightened for a bit. H said he hoped I was OK, and that he would ring again in the evening. That's the closest he has been to "caring" in a long while!
Now I am just taking it easy this morning and nursing the bump on my head!
Livnlearn
PS I hear there's a bug doing the rounds and causing these kinds of symptoms.
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I am re-posting the full text of something that JJ wrote about the LRT -
Quote: the "Last Resort Technique" can be one of the most misunderstood, most misused, most feared, and most underutilized of all of Michele's tools.
The LRT, as I see it, isn't so much a defined set of actions, patterns, or a "plan". To me, it's more of a lifestyle, an attitude, and a state of mind.
To me, it's the infamous "Dobson letter", the one that is written and re-written at least 10 times, truly taken to heart within yourself, then torn up and never sent. If you have the right state of mind, your partner will KNOW you have set both them, and yourself, free by your words, actions, and attitudes, without ever giving them the letter.
It's when you finally take your life back, knowing that the DB techniques you've been learning and practicing are mostly for YOU and the quality of YOUR life. If you happen to draw your partner back to you, well, that's an added benefit.
It's when you are able to quit "reacting" to everything your partner does, or doesn't say or do. You begin taking the actions required to make your life situations better for YOU.
It's when you can stop letting fear guide your actions, and can open your mind up to a whole new world full of solutions to the situations you face in your daily life.
It's when "going dark" isn't merely done to prove to your partner that their life will SUCK without you, while you're hanging around for them to "wake up", to call or show up to profess their undying love for you. It's when you can use the "dark" times to work on yourself, and take a much needed break from the chaos. When you can re-center yourself UPON yourself, and not them or your relationship with them.
It's when you are no longer willing to put your life on hold while you are "waiting" for your partner to "recover" from their MLC, depression, an on-going affair, their lack of love for you, or whatever. You realize that you are in charge of your own life, that YOU are responsible for YOU, and you don't have to sit around in limbo until THEY change. You totally quite playing the "blame game". It's when you realize that you are not a "victim" to what life deals to you.
It's when the dreaded word "divorce" no longer sends your heart racing and mind reeling. After all, most of us are in a position where our relationships ain't too great right now, or could be a helluva lot better. Wouldn't you really love to "divorce" yourself from THAT relationship, and start a new one with your partner that's even better than what you could ever hope or imagine?
It's when you realize that your partner is a flesh and blood human being, that they have their own faults, doubts, demons, and fears, just the same as you. When you can begin to let go of trying to control the way they think and feel. When you learn to let them "own" their thoughts and feelings without assuming that YOU are responsible for, or have control over, those thoughts and feelings. When you can not necessarily "understand" them, but truly "accept" them.
It's when you can learn to be humble enough to admit that maybe this really ISN'T all about you, and you can stop taking all of your partner's actions and moods personally. When you can let them talk to you, vent their anger, thoughts, and feelings to you, without you feeling that it's all your fault, and that you can "fix" it, and that you can make it all better. Or that they really WANT you to make it all better. Or, that you even have the power to do that.
It's when you stop trying to "push" or "pull" your partner back into the relationship with you, and begin to "draw" them back to you. When you strive to become an irresistible magnet that no person can stop from being attracted to. Someone that makes a positive difference in the lives of everyone they touch. Someone that can make your partner feel that their lives are less joyful, less fulfilling, if they decide to spend it apart from you, to not have you near them. That you are someone that can add meaning to their lives just by knowing you. That can be an example of being the best that you can be.
It seems that thinking about the LRT can bring many negative, doom-ridden, and "final" thoughts to mind. I encourage everyone to "reframe" these thoughts, to put a positive spin on the concept, to see the actual benefits of this tool. (Or, maybe, we should have this "state of mind" FIRST instead of saving it for LAST?!)
I know that there's a lot of times I wish that I would have seen this tool in a more positive light sooner in my journey. As for me, it may be something I want to use as an "On Going Technique" instead of a "Last Resort Technique"!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Today H seems in distant mode. I told him about what happened last night, but other than that he wasn't in a mood to chat at all. He did mention that he had a lot of work on, so I'll put it down to that!
I am minded to tell H to get a move on and make his appointment with the dermatologist, but I don't want to sound like his Mum (irony here, his mother "didn't like him" even as a child and would never have fussed over him at all!)
He plans on him and D staying next weekend with a family where the father is suffering from what seems like terminal cancer of the jaw - he has already had surgery to remove some of his jaw. I hope this jogs H to get a move on with his appointments.
Any advice?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
