Looking backward...but only to move forward

[sage]

Sage's 11th thread


A good example of how changing your own behavior can have a positive impact on theirs:

He called a couple of times before he left...one thing he did was apologize for not having the time to do any housework before he had to leave. He seemed genuinely surprised that I was fine with it...even told him if he had any specific things that HE wanted done to let me know and I'd find the time to do them tonight.

I think he got so used to my being angry and stomping around -- back in the pre-bomb days when I DID feel like I was doing everything.

What's different now?

I appreciate what he does much more.
He does a lot more!
I no longer have the feeling that he thinks it's only MY job to do it.
He appreciates what I do much more.
Much more of a team effort.

It's amazing to me that it's almost always about cycles/feeding off of each other's moods, actions, etc. The key for us is making those cycles positive (appreciation, consideration, etc) not negative.

Ah, yes, the “feelings in a box” analogy:

Anyway...what I so often forget is that h's emotions are there too. Yah, he's not putting them in my face like I do to him...but he feels them deeply.

I dunno...I'm sure he would hate this analogy but I picture each of us with a "feeling" in a box...let's make it PAIN. And I think that h feels the pain through the box and put a covering on it, maybe shields it from external forces, wraps it up in a soft blanket to make sure it doesn't get worse. I on the other hand throw the cover off the box, hold the pain up into my face and everyone else in the room, I'll poke it and prod it and examine it from every angle.

MORE thoughts on “the box”:

So as I was driving to meet h last night I continued thinking about my "box" example and how it might apply to my m. I kind of ran wild with the mental imagery...picturing my h with his box...holding it, making sure it's safe and well protected. I started wondering how I could be more respectful of the way that he thinks/feels/processes things...wondering if there was a way (without being intrusive or presumptous) for me to be a comfort to him...to help him with his "box", help him protect it or preserve it...etc.

Then it occurred to me at least one person he might be "protecting" the box from.

I call that a DUH moment.

How many times have I demanded to know what's in the box (what's wrong? nothing. something's wrong, isn't it. No.). Hell, I've stormed in there, picked up the box, thrown off the cover and dug my hand around in there determined to find something. Of course, when I have...I've held it up and examined it. The whole time is he standing back watching me treat that box the way I treat my own and fearing for its safety?

And the flip side, too...as long as we're being honest...how many times have I tried to show him, share with him what's in my box only to have him withdraw, shielding his eyes? Doesn't "you chew everything up and spit it out" (what he said to me in a post-bomb conversation about the a) translate into "why do you have to throw the cover off the box and stick it in my face all the time?' or something like it?

I mentioned yesterday that I know that neither way is better...something I'm learning...I think that both ways also have the potential to be unhealthy. If you keep the box covered, locked, never exposed to air...well, does that work? And if you feel the need to constantly be opening the box? Flipping the lid to see if something's in there? well, that probably doesn't work either.

And what really doesn't work is not trying to understand and respect what the other person does with THEIR box.

One of the things that h said during the bomb dropping was "this has never felt right. you know that". That comment still eats at my mind often...in fact, it's one of the few things that he said that I have a lot of trouble putting away. I end up thinking to myself "does it feel right for him now?" and "does it feel right for me?". When I was thinking last night it occurred to me that this difference in "box" styles is likely a big part of what didn't feel right to him...AND for me, too. Lately I've been finding myself sometimes out of sorts...feeling like I'm hiding a piece of myself because I don't feel entirely comfortable telling him what I feel or am thinking...now I KNOW that Michele would say that it's a misconception that you have to share EVERY thought and I TOTALLY (finally) agree...I'm not talking about telling h every emotion that runs through my head...hell, I'm not even sure I'm talking about telling him much of anything in particular...I just want to know that it's OK the way I think about stuff...OK that I DO mull things over, read books on Rs, listen to tapes, etc. I want it to be viewed as an OK part of ME not as something wrong.

And I want to show h that I respect his way, too. I've admitted that I haven't always...I think I got better at that thru my DB'ing and other work.

I'm hopeful that some of h's irritation and non-acceptance of my "style" was more a comment on how I was FORCING my style on him...or telling him (in so many words) that there was something wrong with his style. Do you see the difference? In other words...I hope his problem with it was MORE that it was negatively impacting him (because I was holding it up as the RIGHT way) and less that he can't find a way to respect it, period.

I also think that maybe middle ground or stepping outside of one's comfort zone is in order for the good of the other...maybe h could show me what's in his box earlier or more often than he wants? And maybe I could ask less or hold up my own less often? To kind of bridge the gap?

Some notes from the book “How can I get through to you” by Foster:

So here's a paraphrasing of the four types identified in the Foster book and some other thoughts around them.

The Feeler -- very private, quiet and laid back. Emotionally sensitive, trusting, warm, sympathetic and sincere, thoughtful and considerate, slow to react, non-confrontational.

In conflict...defensive, slow reactions, hates confrontation. At start of stress pulls into Denial. May agree just to defuse argument. Stores up comments for counterattack rather than interjecting constantly. Cannot handle emotional pain or any degree of anger aimed at him/her. Dislikes theatrics, loudness or anger -- will shut down and withdraw into self.

A feeler may feel victimized, shut down or close other out so as to not lose control OR lose control and become either hysterical or depressed.

Craves to be validated, credited for who he/she is

The Driver -- Quick-thinking and highly perceptive, enthusiastic, expressive and animated, controlling and manipulative, decisive, nonconforming and confrontational (note that the book says that the Feeler is often very attracted to The Driver)

In conflict...enthusaistically and dramatically involved. Argument is a game to be won. Rapid reaction. Needs to control situation and you. Picks up what YOU are aiming at quickly and will focus on that part of your argument which shows weakness. Uses anger as power over you. Is impatient when you talk, interrupts, talks too much. Pulls into anger very quickly. Always "right" in stress situation. His/Her way is the ONLY correct way and you are stupid if you do not agree.

A driver may either vent anger with veheme,nce or become depressed at the outcome of the conflict and his inability to handle it correctly.

The Analyzer -- Sensible and serious, focused and methodical, self-controlled and exacting, direct and assertive, very stable and emotionally uninvolved.

In conflict... analytical, calculating, emotionally uninvolved. Underlying aggression. The problem is YOURS. Deadly serious. Shows no remorse unless problem is one he or she has obviously caused.


The Elitist -- A loner. Charming, elegant and impresive, intellectually insightful, aloof and condescending, dominant and dominating. Responds quickly to slights (real or imagined). Views emotion as weakness to be exploited. Dominating mood is Denial.

In conflict...superior "this is beneath me" attitude. Challenges when threatened, otherwise removed from problem. Knows exactly what you're talking about but says that he cannot understand or relate to your point. Has to dominate you and the situation. Always on guard against losing self control. Talks too much about his or her own problems, appears emotionally restless. Feels intellectually superior.

How to tune into the other person's mood


For the feeler (dominant mood is bargaining, they are triggered by thoughts of fair/unfair)
Talk to them in terms of feelings
be sensitive to their physical reactions
be gentle, polite, empathetiv
lower your voice, slow your speech
present one idea at a time
never dominate or control
be patient, never rush them or interrupt their silence
ask them directly what they think
ABOVE ALL, LISTEN when they talk

For the driver (dominant mood is anger, they are triggered by thoughts of right/wrong)
be wholehearted in what you say or do
speed up your throught pricess and speech
speak in concrete terms
be firect, succing and make points quickly
be assertive
allow them to control the direction or flow of conversation

For the analyzer (dominant mood is denial, they are triggered by thoughts of rational/irrational
be calm and composed, mentally, emotionally, physically
concentrate mental abilities and think clearly and logically
present ideas in form of facts
never speak in emotional trems
avoid passing judgement or criticizing
never confront or dominate them

For the elitist (dominant mood is depression, they are triggered by thoughts of appropriate/inappropriate)
always treat them with respect
stay clear thinking
focus on big picture
never be inpolite, crass, ill-mannered or ill-bred

thoughts on the paradoxes of how to get what you want:

realized the only way to feel happiness is to BE happy. To stop looking for something magical in me or outside...to just DO IT. (Thank you, Nike).

To be loved, you gotta love.

It's not so simple as to be X you gotta do Y.

'cause sometimes it's the opposite...

To be safe, well, you gotta stop looking for safety and certainty.

To be certain, you gotta jump into the pool of uncertainty.

Take your hands off the handlebars, stop gripping the side of the pool, take the step out onto the tightrope. If I'm gonna swing on the trapeze with h, I gotta let go of mine, first.

One more thought on the “box” analogy:

One thing I just realized this AM was that sometimes I'm SO busy looking in my own box that I don't realize that h has the lid off of his and is inviting me to look...I think that may have happened this weekend.

Good thoughts on listening:

I was SO busy trying to figure out what to SAY that I was barely listening to what HE was saying.

ARRGH.

Now, I had "good intentions" but STILL! I completely lost all listening skills in the quest for "perfect talking skills".

Crud.

So...here's a reminder to moi:
1. say 50% or less than what you want to say
2. listen, listen, listen while h is talking
3. just because h stops talking doesn't mean that he's done...don't rush into the silence
4. validating is about echoing back what he's saying...it's not about coming up with something clever
5. how would I discuss this with a friend? (remember gender differences, though!)
6. I don't have to say the perfect thing. And I don't have to say what ow would say. and I don't even have to say ANYTHING!
7. show compassion. show interest. show warmth. show confidence (in myself and in h). show love. show "like"!
8. repeat items 1-7

Another book I enjoyed:

I also just finished skimming a book called "Hidden Keys of a Loving Lasting Marriage" by Gary Smalley. I'd certainly recommend it to anyone. It had a great deal of information in it a la "Men are from Mars..." put together in a very straightforward manner. It does have a Christian bent to it but not in a manner that makes it unapproachable for those not interested in a religious based approach.

Some quick hits from it:

Some things a wife might need:
-- to feel that she is very valuable (more than your mother, children, friends, job, etc)
-- when she's stressed she needs to know that you are willing to share an intimate moment of comfort without demanding explanations or giving lectures
-- open and unobstructed communication
-- free to offer help without fearing anger
-- that you will defend and protect her
-- that her opinion is so valuable that you will discuss decisions with her and consider her advice
-- to share her life with you

Wife's need proof of change over a consistent period of time in these three areas before they will believe their husband's commitment:

-- careful listening without justification or anger
-- quickness to admit error
-- patience when she's reluctant to believe he's changed

He touts the importance of making your wife feel important. You can ask her these questions (well, not if you're DB'ing!!!)
-- do you feel as though you are the most important person in my life
-- are there activities in my life you feel are more important to me than you are
-- are there special ways I could better communicate how important you are to me

"Your wife needs your shoulder not your mouth"

Let your wife teach you how you can best meet her needs during a crisis or when she's discouraged and losing energy.

5 ways to drain anger from your wife:
1. endeavor to understand the ways you have hurt or offended her
2. Admit the fact that you've participated in the weakening of your marriage
3. express genuine sorrow to your wife when you've offended her
4. seek her forgiveness for your offensive behavior
5. let her see your consistent and sincere efforts to correct offensive actions or words


Praise your mate at least once a day

Three ways to protect your wife and help her become more fulfilled
1. discover where your wife needs protection (physically? financially? expectations?
2. discover how your wife wants to be fulfilled (ask about goals, etc)
3. discover what personal problems your wife wants to solve

How we hurt our mates
-- constant criticism
-- not paying attention to words and ideas
-- not assuming enough of the household responsibilities
-- making their needs and desires always second to yours
-- responding by trying to explain their feelings instead of just listening and empathizing
-- action superior to them
-- showing preference to others over them
-- not going out of your way to add romance

Learn to express your feelings through three loving attitudes: warmth (the friendly acceptance of the other person), empathy (the ability to understand and identify with a person's feelings) and sincerity (genuine concern for a person at all times)

Learn to share your feelings when angry or irritated without using "you" statements

Learn to wait until your anger or feelings of irritability have subsided before you begin to discuss a sensitive issue

Use "I feel" messages

Abandon "I told you so" statements

Discover your husband's distinctive needs
Men need to be loved
Men need to be admired
Men need to be understood and accepted
Men need to know their advice is valuable
Man need to feel appreciated

(Seems like the above could be changed from "men" to "people"!)

Get excited over your husband's attempts to comfort you
Tell him gently how you desire to be comforted

Three ways to alienate your husband (not recommended!)
-- expressing disapproval of them (knowingly or unknowingly)
-- discrediting their feelings or desires
-- contradicting them

Sage