Looking backward...but only to move forward

[sage]

H and I had a good day yesterday. I left work early to go to an appt w/our financial planner -- just a nice year end review. It used to be very stressful to go because h and I would often end up tense ($$ stuff!) but it's just no longer like that at all! Awesome.

On the way home we went to a Korean place that I love. I think h liked it too.

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Sage's 10th thread

An interesting difference between h and me:

I talk about the plan. I want him to participate in the conversation and MAKE the plan with me. H just goes for it.

I think Michele would be proud of h...he's all about action.

Thoughts from JJ:

One thing I see you doing isn't necessarily trying to "stop" your thoughts and feelings (which can be pretty tough to do at times, I know it is for me ), but you're not letting yourself get "stuck" in them either. Instead of just trying to "fight off" your thoughts and feelings, you're finding ways to take them "full circle", taking them past the present moment, and are using them to help you find better solutions.

It looks like journaling is a good tool for you. It has been for me, also. Keep writing!

A good way to reformat what IS happening vs. what ISN’T:

I'm still finding myself tensing up inside when h mentions the women in his study group. Let me walk down a cheeseless tunnel for a minute...how I wish HE would bring it up to me a la "I'm wondering if you get worried about my spending time with the women in my study group because of the way my r. with ow developed...."

Allrighty...I probably won't ever hear those words spontaneously so let's look at what h IS doing to make me feel safe:

1. telling me about conversations he has with them
2. mentioning emails that he gets from them
3. telling me that he's told THEM about our date nights
4. telling me how much he loves me
5. sharing info about school
6. not keeping things secret and mysterious
7. not reacting if he IS noticing a bit of the tension coming from me
8. being his awesome self

Thoughts on how focusing on “me” both helps and hurts:

So...here's my "duh"moment...when I read Tal's statements I had to revisit HOW focused I am on ME and what I did to hurt our m. You all know I spend a lot of time focusing on that...identifying and working on my behaviors, etc. I think it's been good in some ways but lately I've been seeing the DOWNSIDE...I beat myself up SO MUCH, hold myself to this tremendous set of standards, am so unforgiving of ME...I think it's holding me back from healing.

So...I had to ask myself last night: why am I so invested in making h's affair about MY behavior.

Duh response: BECAUSE, if it's about ME and what I did or didn't do, then I can "fix it" and it will never happen again. If it's about ME, well, it's in MY CONTROL.

I need to shed that concept for so many different reasons...to release myself from the sense that I need to be perfect, to allow h to take responsibility for himself and his actions, to recognize that I do not and cannot control everything...or maybe anything? but my own behavior.

A place I’ve gotten stuck – I don’t want to dwell here!:

I think I noticed on your thread that one of your frustrations is that you and h haven't talked about a "plan"? That's where I get stuck, sometimes...we actually have a "plan" if there's a disaster in our area and we get separated (a series of places to meet depending on how widespread the disaster is) but we don't have a "here's how it happened and how it won't happen again" plan.

I want to know if h was at all conscious of the "first steps" he took and whether he'd recognize them again.

I want to know how he handled the "this is wrong and has to end" stuff in his mind.

I want to know if he consciously felt that our m. was over BEFORE the a started or if ow's presence made it seem like it was.

I want to know if he sees or agrees that forming one-on-one friendships with women might be a risk factor for us.

I want a logical answer to an illogical situation!

I look at our m now, though, and find h more engaged, more loving, more committed, more expressive than he has EVER been. I mean EVER.

Sage