Looking backward...but only to move forward

[eyesopened]

Hi Sage,
Hope you and H are both feeling better today.


Hi Wonka,
I saw your question on my thread (and again, please don't think you're hijacking; you're not).
I just have a few minutes before picking up youngest son from school, so please excuse any errors or typos.

I agree completely with Sage's answer. First, it depends on your wife. If she's the kind of person who enjoys reading relationship books, then the answer is "perhaps" with a couple of caveats. One, she may just end up using DB techniques to improve her relationship with the OP; and that's not to your advantage.

Two, you may be hoping that she'll have an ah-ha moment when reading the book as I often hoped when I'd give H umpteen relationship books, long letters pouring out my heart (and remember, I was the WAW and potential WAW in our relationship; H has never walked or strayed), conversations where I'd pour out my heart and try to get him to commit to making certain changes, and even individual and marriage therapy. It never worked.

Even when he finally read one relationship book all the way through (His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley), he didn't have the "light bulb" moment where he suddenly realized what I wanted. Instead, he told me that he felt that his "needs" were NOT being met.

Ultimately, you can only work on yourself and make changes in yourself. But, you already know that. It's so hard, however, to fight against what feels natural and to keep going down those cheeseless tunnels. My oldest son has worked as a lifeguard and one of the first things he was taught (and you've probably already heard this) is that a swimmer in distress can easily drown himself/herself and the lifeguard because the natural thing for them to do is to cling to something or somebody. I think something similar often happens in relationships where the person in distress or who recognizes that the relationship is in distress often does what feels natural but ultimately does more harm. I know I did.

Although my H never physically left, I felt as though he emotionally left. So, I, like many of the other people on this board, started my own version of ineffective pursuing. As I wrote above, I'd try to get him to read books and articles, I'd have long conversations with him which sometimes resulted in temporary but not permanent changes, I'd write him letters which he may or may not have read, etc. One sure-fire way to get his attention was to withdraw, which would cause him to panic and pay attention to keep me from leaving. Not good choices for a healthy, loving relationship. That's why I often sound like a paid advertisement for Michele's solution-based therapy. It works where nothing else had; and I feel better about me, about H, and about our marriage.

I also agree that the KLA CDs are probably better suited for a couple to use although they can be used by just one person. I have Michele's books and the KLA CDs and the principles and concepts are similar. Alternatively, you and your W might want to find a solution-based therapist to see for a few sessions (I suspect that SBT, like cognitive behavior therapy, is short-term tharapy unlike traditional "talk" therapy that can go on for years without effecting any real changes.). Hope this answers your question.