H starts a very important interview in about 1 minute..please send communal good vibes!
I'm finishing up a LONG day at work...meeting h after his interview for a drink and apps. I hate to say it but I think I AM coming down with what he has...I felt like absolute crap until I finally took some Advil (duh) and now I think it's starting to kick in.
h seemed surprised that I wanted to meet him...or maybe he was just needing reassurance? I've been having a hard time knowing the best way to react to him while he's been sick...otoh I just want to comfort him and take care of him but I think that was overwhelming/not validating? so I've been more calmly loving but not really focusing too much on his illness (well, I've been focused on it but not trying to "fix" it)...oh, I don't know...I'm partly getting messed up here because I remember an email from ow to h saying "I want to take good care of you when you are sick 'cause you take such good care of me".
ARRGH.
Remind me again that I don't have to be perfect OR do everything that ow did just as she did it...he's with me, right?????
Off to dinner (yah, he's with me).
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I met h for dinner. He was completely pumped up after his interview, said it went super well. I've got my fingers and toes crossed that he gets this fellowship!!!
We had a really nice time. I'm not sure why but throughout dinner and the rest of the night (hey, into this AM!), h was VERY verbally reaffirming of me, how I've been dealing with his illness, etc. Give the last few lines of my last post it was like he was reading my mind about reassurance! He told me that I had been doing SO GREAT about taking care of him. I told him that sometimes I'm not sure how comforting to be...I don't want to smother him. He said that he likes my comforting and appreciates the fact that I'm OK with his responses...not getting hung up if he's down or quiet or moody or downight depressed over being sick. He's been sleeping in the guest room the last few nights due to his coughing and he asked me if that upset me. I told him that last year and the year before I really personalized it when he slept in the other room but this year I realized how important it is that he just GET WELL SOONER and that I knew it wasn't him trying to get away from me. Good stuff.
I think one of the reasons why I struggle with the R when he's sick is because he gets depressed which mimics the crappiness/depression that was around when the bomb was dropping. I feel him pull away a bit and then my mind starts freaking out. But hey, I've been working on THIS for a good long time, no? So I should be getting better at depersonalizing!!!
I definitely have a much milder version of what he has. Mostly a sore throat and aches for me right now. He's still home from school, though, coughing his lungs up
Got a reasonably stress free day at work today then a haircut tonight. Rest of the week actually looks pretty good!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I've been wondering about this. Would you advise us to show our spouses DR book after successfully DBing and getting them back home? What are your thoughts on this?
I've been wondering about this. Would you advise us to show our spouses DR book after successfully DBing and getting them back home? What are your thoughts on this?
Wonka -- I guess it would depend on the spouse and on what you hoped to gain from showing them the book but my gut reaction is "NO, don't do it".
I think that DR is really well suited to be used by 1 person -- it has all you need to make real changes in your R. I know for pretty darned sure that my h would have run screaming if I had pulled out the book and "offered" it to him in any way, shape or form.
Have you listened to the KLA tapes also by Michele? Those might be better suited to using with a partner (though they are also perfect for the spouse "working" alone).
In the end, though, I just think that it's not necessary and could be detrimental to show DR to the S that's returning -- particularly early in reconcilliation.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I agree with Sage - the tapes are better suited to use by the WAS. My H knows about the book, but I would nEVER give it to him to read, even now! Somebody here once said - "why would you give the other team your playbook?" - and that's kind of how I look at it - why would I want H to know all my strategies, when you never know (god forbid!!!) when you might need them again? I think the only time I would give my H DR to read is if I started having an affair! LOL!
BUT - my H DID read the Five Love Languages and that was very helpful.
Hi Sage, Hope you and H are both feeling better today.
Hi Wonka, I saw your question on my thread (and again, please don't think you're hijacking; you're not). I just have a few minutes before picking up youngest son from school, so please excuse any errors or typos.
I agree completely with Sage's answer. First, it depends on your wife. If she's the kind of person who enjoys reading relationship books, then the answer is "perhaps" with a couple of caveats. One, she may just end up using DB techniques to improve her relationship with the OP; and that's not to your advantage.
Two, you may be hoping that she'll have an ah-ha moment when reading the book as I often hoped when I'd give H umpteen relationship books, long letters pouring out my heart (and remember, I was the WAW and potential WAW in our relationship; H has never walked or strayed), conversations where I'd pour out my heart and try to get him to commit to making certain changes, and even individual and marriage therapy. It never worked.
Even when he finally read one relationship book all the way through (His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley), he didn't have the "light bulb" moment where he suddenly realized what I wanted. Instead, he told me that he felt that his "needs" were NOT being met.
Ultimately, you can only work on yourself and make changes in yourself. But, you already know that. It's so hard, however, to fight against what feels natural and to keep going down those cheeseless tunnels. My oldest son has worked as a lifeguard and one of the first things he was taught (and you've probably already heard this) is that a swimmer in distress can easily drown himself/herself and the lifeguard because the natural thing for them to do is to cling to something or somebody. I think something similar often happens in relationships where the person in distress or who recognizes that the relationship is in distress often does what feels natural but ultimately does more harm. I know I did.
Although my H never physically left, I felt as though he emotionally left. So, I, like many of the other people on this board, started my own version of ineffective pursuing. As I wrote above, I'd try to get him to read books and articles, I'd have long conversations with him which sometimes resulted in temporary but not permanent changes, I'd write him letters which he may or may not have read, etc. One sure-fire way to get his attention was to withdraw, which would cause him to panic and pay attention to keep me from leaving. Not good choices for a healthy, loving relationship. That's why I often sound like a paid advertisement for Michele's solution-based therapy. It works where nothing else had; and I feel better about me, about H, and about our marriage.
I also agree that the KLA CDs are probably better suited for a couple to use although they can be used by just one person. I have Michele's books and the KLA CDs and the principles and concepts are similar. Alternatively, you and your W might want to find a solution-based therapist to see for a few sessions (I suspect that SBT, like cognitive behavior therapy, is short-term tharapy unlike traditional "talk" therapy that can go on for years without effecting any real changes.). Hope this answers your question.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
I think you said it best...not giving the "playbook" to the opposing team. That made a lot of sense.
Eyesopened,
You really put the fear in me by your comment that my W might use DR with the OP!!! No way, Jose!!! I want DB to work with my W not help her with the OP.
Follow-up question:
When I get my W back...should I get her the 5LL and the Relationship Cure by Gottman? I hear your comments about the KLA tapes.
