Looking backward...but only to move forward

[sage]

Will the geekiness never end? Here’s where I color coded my success at 180s – green means I’m doing well, blue means ok, red means BAD! I don’t maintain the colors but that’s what the phase “blue rating” means:

Failure to appreciate h.


* I would get angry when he didn't do what I thought he should do -- when he didn't meet the picture in my head
I'm doing a good job on many things here -- I've dropped my anger around his job stuff, his family, the house, etc. Even when I wish that something were being done differently, I don't get angry about it even in my own head. Where I'm NOT doing well is in times of high stress/high anxiety when the "action" relates to ME. In other words, when I'm looking for something from h.: reassurance, a particular response, etc, I still struggle.

* I put the m. and h. behind other things (family, work, volunteer job)
So the 180 is putting my M. first. I'm doing well at this, I think.

* I didn't notice and appreciate the things h was doing around the house/for our r.
The 180 is to notice and thank h for the things he's doing around the house. I've actually done really well at this I think. H has also done great! He's doing even MORE AND he's thanking me for the things that I do.

* I ASSumed that he was unable to be responsible/make decisions/be in control because his way didn't always equal my way
So, the 180 is to not ASSume anything negative about h's ability to be responsible, make decisions, etc. My success at this is akin to the first item on this list. I'm doing very well about tangible things (decisions on house, etc) but still struggle with interpersonal stuff. I DID put together that point/counter point list of ASSumptions so that's a good step, I suppose.

* I was always trying to "edit" h -- not accepting his statements, decisions, thoughts. Always had to put "my spin" (however slight) on it. I'd say that I'm closer to green than red here...the 180 is not editing h's statements and decisions. In other words, if I ask for his input, I am really, really conscious of NOT making changes to his input. I'm giving myself a blue because I'm not entirely successful at negotiating stuff that IS important to me...I fall back on my old habits.

* I acted as though having a family together (kids) wasn't important -- eventually, I think I even started acting as though we (he?) couldn't "hack" having kids.
hmmm. Not sure how to score this one. I think adding a baby to this mix would be a disaster right now but that's more of a reality based assessment than a judgement on h. I also don't think that that assessment will necessarily be true FOREVER. I'd like to feel a lot more secure in the m.

* I used words and actions to make him feel like a bad husband, not grown up enough, not responsible enough, not anything enough 180 would be to notice and appreciate all of the great stuff he does, all the responsibilities he takes on, etc. I'm scoring this blue for the same reason as some others -- doing well on practical stuff, still struggling with letting go of the interpersonal.

* I didn't attempt to be interested in the things that interest him
180 would be to show an interest in the things that interest him. I'm giving myself a green score on this. 1 thing to note is that I'm honest about this effort -- I'm opening my mind to the things that interest him but I'm not developing some weird feigned stepford wife thingy about it.

* I acted as thought "his way" was almost right -- with this slight "my way edit"
This is a redux of another above

* I failed to notice his romantic side, his vulnerable side
The 180 would be to notice and appreciate his vulnerable and romantic sides. Giving myself a blue rating. I'm not as sensitive as I could be to my h's vulnerability.

* I was a naysayer -- not being a cheerleader for his dreams and goals
180 would be to actively support him in his goals and dreams. Giving myself a blue rating. I'm doing well in some areas (job, school) but still struggling with some areas that clash with my insecurities (house). I'm also not great at communicating my support.

* I failed to respect his need for space, time away from me. Was always trying to get him to "open up" So 180 is to respect his need for space, respect his approach to openess. To NOT sulk or expect him to always be there, always be a certain way. Doing "blue" because while I'm doing OK when I feel GOOD, I'm struggling with this when I don't feel GOOD. I need an action plan for when I'm struggling and h is distant.

* I haven't taken seriously his desire to have a clean uncluttered house
180 is to declutter the house willingly and actively. In my heart, I'm green on this but my execution is POOR. I need to work harder at actually DOING this.

* I failed to respect his time -- while running errands, always added 2-3 stops he didn't expect
180 is to be clear about errands in advance, to negotiate his time, to do errands myself if his timeline conflicts with mine. Doing well on this I think.

* I created chaos and crisis a lot cause that's my comfort zone and failed to see how much a calm environment means to him
180 is to be calm. To not overreact to small things; to handle large things appropriately; to manage my own reactions; to self-soothe. I'm rating myself as RED because I'm still CREATING chaos when I'm stressed and anxious. I'm GREEN on lots of little things, though.

* I didn't fully listen when H talked --I'd watch tv, read, be on computer, etc
180 is to give h my full listening attention when he is talking (phone or in person). I am totally green on this one, baby!

* I did not manage my reactions well to h's disclosures about himself that scared me, threatened me. Instead of seeing that as "my crap" I think I put a lot of it back onto him, made him feel ashamed, fearful, as though he had to hide himself from me.
180 is to hear what h says and to not personalize it, overreact to it, etc, based on my own inability to deal with my stuff. 180 would be to validate his statements and (possibly) state mine if the time is right and it makes sense. Crap. I started out as blue but as I wrote, I changed it to red. When what h is talking about hits a sore spot for me, I stink at this. An area to improve!

* I haven't managed articulating my WANTS well -- I've been indirect, too cautious about telling him what I need. I should have been more direct and let his reaction just be his reaction.
180 is to appropriately state what I want in a direct manner and not personalizing his response. Giving myself a blue here...I'm seeing some progress.

* I interpret his moods, silences, etc. this builds a wall between us
Simple 180. Stop interpreting. Even simpler -- I stink at this. MUST STOP DOING THIS.

* I often let things fester then blow up
180 is a combination of soothing myself and articulating my needs clearly when appropriate. Not doing well at this for "hot spots". I think a combination of other 180s will actually take care of this.

* I fail to stand up for myself respectfully and let him manage his response This is a redux
Actions related to my mistrust and fear


* I/ve never trusted h (well, MEN) and instead of dealing with that personal issue myself, I let him know it over and over again.
So, 180 is to recognize the problem as my own, work at it, shed my ASSumptions about trust, not kneejerk to not trusting, etc. Giving myself blue 'cause isn't recognizing you have a problem the first step?

* I think I've shied away from letting h. really get close to me -- have built up walls of independence and resentment and anger and chilliness out of fear, drive to protect myself.
180 is to open my heart. To let him embrace me, to let him love me, care for me, tend to me, etc, without pushing him away. This is a toughie. You guys know that when things start going too well I end up freaking out....I am working at relaxing into h's love. I need to articulate this better!

* I made h feel like I thought he was a bad marriage risk 180 is to not ASSume and articulate that h is a bad m. risk. Well, this is a tough one but DB'ing and these boards and everything have opened my eyes to the notion that h is actually quite a good risk.

* I've made my insecurities seem like his problem
180 is to accept ownership for my insecurities. I'm doing that.
* I create chaos when things are going well as a way to manage my anxiety This is a redux. Need definite action plan for next time I feel freaky.

My lame attempts to control


* I eventually tried to take control of all decisions -- I'd alternate between being angry as hell and resentful about it and craving it 180 is to drop the need for all control; to turn over many decisions (large and small) to h. I'm actually doing great on this one, I think.

* I overanalyze things and am in constant motion -- always doing something, fixing something, feeling as though something could be improved -- oftentimes the message was that he could be improved?
So the 180 here is to calm down, stop "chewing things up and spitting them out", definitely stop making HIM feel as though he could be improved through my helpful "suggestions" etc. I believe that I have made good progress in this area in regards to HIM, I'm not so sure that I've struck a good balance as far as I'm concerned...I'm seeing a correlation between my times of anxiety and heavy duty phases of trying to fix myself.

* I acted too grown up, too responsible and acted as though I was the only adult in the r.
180 is to acknowledge h's contribution to the m, to acknowledge his "adultness". I have done this well.

* I never dropped the R. rope and let h. pick it up. Eventually I was the one planning everything, deciding everything, heck, saying everything!
180 is to drop the rope. Stop doing all the planning. Let him plan. Enjoy his plans! Let him decide! I have done well with this.
* I set boundaries in the wrong places -- I tried to control his behavior instead of just stating clearly what my "bottom line" was and living with it
This is kind of a redux of some others. Need to work on direct statement of my boundaries and not personlizing his reactions.

I failed to keep my PMA

* Primarily post-A but I've failed to maintain my interests because I've been worried about not being home
180 is to do things outside the house that are important to me. I'm doing OK with this but I think I still have a ways to go...

* I've been angry and resentful if he didn't show an interest in my stuff
180 is to NOT be angry if he's not interested in my stuff. To not take it personally. Well, I've done really well shedding the anger and resentment. h, in turn, has done GREAT showing interest in what's up with me!!!

Overall stuff I'm not sure where to put

* my constant drive for "more" left h with the feeling that I would never be happy "with him"
180s are to appreciate h's contributions and thank him for all that he does. To calm down and stop trying to "fix" everything, "fix" him. I'm doing well with the noticing and thanking AS LONG as I'm not anxious or stressed. If I am, I drop the ball and start assuming bad stuff and stop noticing the little things.

* I would have tacit expectations and then get angry/upset if he didn't respond the way I wanted
180 is to drop expectations of responses. I have dropped the anger pretty successfully. Again, when I'm stressed and/or anxious, I still get upset if h. doesn't respond to me in a particular way.

* I get all anxious and then seek reassurances from him in an overbearing way.
This needs its own post.
* Failure to treat/talk to h as a friend. I do and say things to him that I just wouldn't to a friend.
This is SO hard to "action" orient but it's just a simple feeling when I'm talking to h as a FRIEND. I drop assumptions, I drop expectations, I stop trying to read his mind. If I actually consciously say "he is my friend" it can make a world of difference.

Thoughts on the cycle:

Some of this is a rehash but it's pretty clear that when things start to feel TOO GOOD, I panic. I'm partly panicking because I'm afraid of getting too close, getting set up (if it's so good and he leaves won't it be worse than this time around?), partly because I'm feeling as though I don't know how to take our m. to the next step.

I freak out and bring up the ow in order to create some distance again. I KNOW that h will retreat. I KNOW that I will be anxious and pissed off and back in my comfort zone. Bringing up the affair is a strong message: no matter how bad of a wife I might be (past, present or future), didn't you do something worse?

It's a crappy form of pseudo self protection.

GOODNESS…was I truly this DB-centric???? This is the fifth post on the same darned list! This cracks me up but has good info!:

Issue: Failure to appreciate h.
Goal: I will appreciate h and convey that to him
Actions that work:
* Drop all expectations of the "right" way to do something
* Accept and remind myself OFTEN that I am not h's boss, keeper, mother
* Note and thank him for the things that he does around the house! Do this EVERY day.
* Note and thank him for the things that he does that make me feel loved. Do this EVERY day.
* Note and appreciate and thank him for the things he does that make him a great husband and friend; a great "catch".
* Compliment him. He deserves it.
* Put my m. first. It comes before work, school, everything.
* Let h. make his own decisions. Let h. make decisions for US. ("let" sounds funny here -- but you know what I mean)
* When you hear h's decision or suggestion, DO NOT edit it. Accept it unmodified.
* Say "would you handle that?", "would you decide that and let me know?", etc. DROP THE ROPE
* Learn more about the things that he is interested in. Watch the movies he likes with him, go to ball games and pay attention, etc.
* Do fun stuff together -- movies, dinner, hiking, etc
* Remind myself that h. is vulnerable too.
* STOP ASSuming that he has bad motives. TURN those ASSumptions positive.
* Let him be in terms of space and time away from me.
* Cheerlead! Let him know that you think he will be successful and WHY!
* Make a list of rooms in the house/areas to unclutter and GET TO IT.
* Establish the timeline for running errands or do them yourself.
* Let go of your anger through meditation, exercise, listening to audiotapes on Buddhism/compassion.
TO DO: Reread 5LLs.


Issue: communication blockers
Goal: I will listen fully to h, manager my reactions and be appropriately assertive in expressing my needs
Actions that work:
* I give each conversation with h. my FULL attention -- there are NO distractions when we are talking.
* I do not interrupt his statements.
* I say 50% less than I think to say. I wait longer before starting to speak to give him time.
* When h. says something that I react badly to...validate (reinforce what he has said) and say nothing if you can't say something neutral or constructive. WAIT to respond, rediscuss until your reactions are under control.
* State what I need in simple, direct, short sentences.
* STOP INTERPRETING HIS MOODS, SILENCES. STOP.STOP.STOP.
* Ask a simple question (are you in a bad mood) that does not ASSume the answer or make a judgement.
* DO NOT edit his statements.
* Learn more about assertive communication techniques.

Issue: Issues around mistrust and fear led to me keeping h at arms length and questioning his trustworthiness
Goal: I will treat h. with trust and respect. I will work on and manage my own underlying insecurities
Actions that work:
* NO SNOOPING
* Keeping my own PMA high -- through exercise, diet, doing things that make me feel good about myself
* Meditating EVERY day. Meditating in crisis moments
* Thought stopping -- using stop sign techniques to stop thinking about OW, fantasizing about bad things happening.
* Getting enough sleep.
* Not drinking too much
* Asking myself "is this TRUE or my ASSumption" when faced with a negative thought
* Listening to audio tapes on many topics
* Being 100% present when h. is being wonderful and loving to me...really feeling the hug, the ILY, the kiss, whatever.
* Noticing the wonderful things that he does for me, that he does around the house and thanking him for them
* Getting through periods of insecurity and doubt by asking myself what's going on...WHY I'm feeling insecure or upset
* Keeping myself busy -- with work or school or life in general
* Recognize that MY job is controlling MY behaviors. Shedding the responsibility I've ASSumed for H's behaviors
* Building up other areas of my life so my sole focus isn't h.

Issue: My lame attempts to control
Goal: I will drop my need to be in control of everything. I will drop my belief system that control = safety. I will focus on and control MY actions.
Actions that work:
* I have dropped the rope on making all decisions. I would say that I make 0% of HIS decisions (but offer input if asked) and less than 50% of our small decisions (dinner, etc) and about 50% of our big decisions.
* I've stopped believing that it is my job (or heck, my right) to "edit" h -- his thoughts, behaviors, actions, moods, anything. I'm doing well on the tangibles (actions) but still struggle with the intangibles (thoughts and moods).
* When confronted with my own desire to "direct" I stop myself and ask "is this really my issue to control? Can I let someone else decide this?"
* I've recognized and acknowledged that h is a grown man and perfectly capable and willing to make decisions for himself and for us. This recognition REALLY came from my dropping the rope and noticing the things that he does every day.
* I've stopped planning everything. I am grateful and enthusiastic when he makes a plan for us.
* I ask "what do you think?". I say "will you take care of this?". AND THEN I STAND BACK.
* I've calmed down a lot. I do about 50% of the needless activity that I used to. I talk 50% less than I'm inclined to.

Issue: I failed to keep up my PMA, my life
Goal: I will DB for me. I will do actions and activities that make me feel good about myself.
Actions that work:
* Exercise 6x a week
* Eat healthily
* Hike
* Go to movies
* Read books that interest me
* Meditate
* Explore Buddhism and compassion training
* Focus on work when at work (um, may need to work on this one!)
* Be active with volunteer job
* Don't confuse work woes with home woes
* Work on goals around the house
* Contribute thoughtfully to BB
* Make plans with friends and sister
* Spend time with dad, stepmom and brother
* Do nice things for h. to show him I care
* Note and appreciate the hard work I have done in the last 9 months
* Cut myself some slack!

So...in the spirit of never giving up...here are my "top threes"

Top three things that really work great:
1. Noticing and thanking h. for the positives -- work around the house, his interactions with me.

2. Dropping the control rope. Giving up my monopoly on decision making.

3. Shutting my mouth and listening.
Top three things that still need work:

1. Managing my reactions to h. when something he's said or done hits a hotspot for me.

2. NOT interpreting his moods/silences and NOT MAKING ASSUMPTIONS. I honestly believe that when I stop this, SO MANY other things will GO AWAY!!!!

3. Self-soothing when I get anxious. Having an ACTION PLAN for the next period of intense insecurity.

1. I need to accept and know each day more the new man my h has come to be

Ah, how have I been missing this? I've been appreicative of his actions but I've missed the point that h is doing his own 180s, working on himself and our m. has improved as a result.

What are some of the changes:
h is more verbal -- lots of ILYs
h is more physical, including PDAs!
h is more open about the details of his day
h is more open about his interests
h is more involved in our home -- he cleans, cooks, does errands, makes decisions, all kinds of stuff!
h is more decisive about our lives
h is more open about telling me how he feels
h is more open about telling me what he wants
h asks me more questions than he used to
h gives me advice when I need it
more...

2. Doing things around the house NOW as opposed to waiting

Ya know I'm working on this! This is a biggie to me and to h.

Here’s some advice on how to identify “hot spots”:

It's all about "data collection" One of the reasons why I'm such an advocate for meditation is that I've found that I really need to quiet my mind in order to figure out what's REALLY going on. Here are some other ways I've figured out my danger zones...

1. reread your old posts -- note what went well or didn't go well -- things jump out at you!

2. read other peoples threads...a lot of times, it's easier to see someone else's "traps" and then figure out if they can be applied to your own situation.

3. LL started a thread in this forum on what makes DB'ing hard...you'll find a lot of ideas in there that may be applicable

4. Ask yourself questions...what's REALLY going on here? What am I really feeling? Not the surface stuff but what's really going on underneath.

5. look for patterns in situations that don't go well.

6. listen to your spouse's statements on what doesn't work...h tells me that I start things late at night and often after we've had a good time together. That gave me something to contemplate.

Sage