This thread is actually quite funny but also very DB-centric, I think...in an overwhelming burst of energy and analyzation I work from this list of "foibles" over and over again...writing out what I did to contribute to the downfall of my M, grouping the list into categories, putting 180s and actions around them, etc. I'm not sure why I needed 30 more threads after that!!
Quote: Just journalling the things here that I came up with -- Things that I ASSume -- that block me from moving forward
1. h is "incapable" of honesty 2. h avoids conflict at all cost 3. h will never tell me how he feels 4. h wants out of our m. 5. h has continued contact with ow 6. h is not willing or able to end a. 7. I am unloveable 8. h will eventually leave me no matter what I do 9. h will go down this path again and have another a. 10. h doesn't care about my feelings regarding his a. 11. h. doesn't love me 12. I will never be able to satisfy h's relationship needs 13. h is looking for an escape route 14. if h loved me he would tell me how he feels about things 15. if h loved me, he would apologize for a. 16. if h loved me, he would reassure me when I ask for it 17. if h loved me, he would make a grand gesture re. a. 18. h will never forgive himself or believe that I truly forgive him.
What is the cycle that needs to change?
Well...it's a few things. I have not forgiven my husband for his choice to have an affair. I have not forgiven myself for the things that I did, the needs that I didn't meet. NOT forgiving each of us, well, that needs to change.
HOW does this cycle play itself out? Things are going good. Either h. withdraws slightly or I just get insecure but either way, I start feeling worried, insecure, nervous, anxious. I create some chaos -- often at the end of an evening -- I get clingy and ask for reassurance -- or I make some ASSertion about something that may or may not be true. H. withdraws. I get ANGRY but use sadness and insecurity and fear as a barrier. H. withdraws even more. I feel like crap. I apologize (but also feel self-righteous) We walk sort of on eggshells for a while It takes a while to bring back the good times and relaxation to our m.
And so on....
Hmmm…this sounds good:
Quote: If I close my eyes and think "what do I really want today from this marriage"? the answer is:
I want to be free of the thoughts of ow and the affair. I want to feel confident that h is recommitted to our m. I want to feel relaxed when I am with him. I want to feel as though I am working to move this m. into a positive direction.
See what I mean? Not an action oriented thought in the bunch.
I know what it will feel like...I'll come home and not be worried that ow was there or that h went to see her, talked to her. I will feel relaxed -- like I once said "in my own skin". I will laugh spontaneously. h. will laugh, will joke, will be physical with me but not in a way that hurts (he'll hug me but not squeeze me too hard, he'll kiss me but not bite my ear so it feels like it's coming off!). We'll be relazed with each other. One of us will initiate and not feel insecure. there won't be hesitation when we talk. I'll be able to breathe a sigh of relief because I'll know I'm safe with him. He'll be able to do the same. He won't be afraid of my judgement, my criticism. I won't be afraid of his distance.
Here’s how I turned those ASSumptions around!:
Quote: Turning my BAD ASSumptions AROUND! Quoting sage:
1. h is "incapable" of honesty h is perfectly capable of honesty and displays that often
2. h avoids conflict at all cost Not so. h may not crave conflict (like someone we know!) but he does not avoid it at all costs
3. h will never tell me how he feels Decidedly not true. h tells me how he feels often. Learning to listen more and take things more slowly would help this sitch a lot.
4. h wants out of our m. h is home. h remains married to me. I have no evidence that h. wants out of our m.
5. h has continued contact with ow h has stated on multiple occasions that he has ceased contact with ow. This is an ASSumption on my part. I have NO evidence that they are still in contact.
6. h is not willing or able to end a. h has stated that he has ended the a. h. is a grown man who is perfectly capable of anything he puts his mind to. I have NO evidence that the a. is ongoing.
7. I am unloveable well, now, that's just crazy talk! I am loveable to the nth degree!!!
8. h will eventually leave me no matter what I do Unless I have suddenly developed the ability to forecast the future, this is bullS&^T. A bogus ASSumption based on my own fear and sense of inadequacy (see #7!)
9. h will go down this path again and have another a. See number 8.
10. h doesn't care about my feelings regarding his a. h has been present, apologetic and sensitive during multiple conversations with me about the a. h does care about my feelings re. the a.
11. h. doesn't love me h tells me that he loves me verbally every day. h shows me that he loves me every day through his actions.
12. I will never be able to satisfy h's relationship needs This is not true. I am perfectly capable of satisying my h.
13. h is looking for an escape route ASSumption. h is home. How is it that I've made the mental leap to him "looking for an escape route"??
14. if h loved me he would tell me how he feels about things h does tell me how he feels about things. it's not always in my timeframe or how I expect it.
15. if h loved me, he would apologize for a. h has apologized for the a.
16. if h loved me, he would reassure me when I ask for it the crappy cycle we get into has nothing to do with whether or not h. loves me. I KNOW this is an area that I need to work on .... soothing myself, not setting him up, asking for help in a way that opens the door to him giving it, accepting if he is unable to, etc
17. if h loved me, he would make a grand gesture re. a. Another ASSumption that has nothing to do with his love for me. I need to let go of my desire for the grand gesture. It's the wrong place to put my energies.
18. h will never forgive himself or believe that I truly forgive him. I cannot read h's mind. Nor can I read the future. I am responsible for my forgiveness of HIM and of MYSELF. That's where I should focus. h is capable of managing his own emotions and forgiveness!
Here's that famous list I mentioned!!:
Quote: The engineer in me apparently had to rewrite my list putting stuff into categories: So, don't be alarmed, though, by this list (like, is she drowning herself in sadness?)...Just putting it out there so I can document/track my 180s.
I categorized the 32 point list into some common themes for ease of reading what a geek. *****************************
Failure to appreciate h.
* I would get angry when he didn't do what I thought he should do -- when he didn't meet the picture in my head
* I put the m. and h. behind other things (family, work, volunteer job)
* I didn't notice and appreciate the things h was doing around the house/for our r.
* I ASSumed that he was unable to be responsible/make decisions/be in control because his way didn't always equal my way
* I was always trying to "edit" h -- not accepting his statements, decisions, thoughts. Always had to put "my spin" (however slight) on it.
* I acted as though having a family together (kids) wasn't important -- eventually, I think I even started acting as though we (he?) couldn't "hack" having kids.
* I used words and actions to make him feel like a bad husband, not grown up enough, not responsible enough, not anything enough
* I didn't attempt to be interested in the things that interest him
* I acted as thought "his way" was almost right -- with this slight "my way edit"
* I failed to notice his romantic side, his vulnerable side
* I was a naysayer -- not being a cheerleader for his dreams and goals
* I failed to respect his need for space, time away from me. Was always trying to get him to "open up"
* I haven't taken seriously his desire to have a clean uncluttered house
* I failed to respect his time -- while running errands, always added 2-3 stops he didn't expect
* I created chaos and crisis a lot cause that's my comfort zone and failed to see how much a calm environment means to him
Communication blockers
* I didn't fully listen when H talked --I'd watch tv, read, be on computer, etc
* I did not manage my reactions well to h's disclosures about himself that scared me, threatened me. Instead of seeing that as "my crap" I think I put a lot of it back onto him, made him feel ashamed, fearful, as though he had to hide himself from me.
* I haven't managed articulating my WANTS well -- I've been indirect, too cautious about telling him what I need. I should have been more direct and let his reaction just be his reaction.
* I interpret his moods, silences, etc. this builds a wall between us
* I often let things fester then blow up
* I fail to stand up for myself respectfully and let him manage his response
Actions related to my mistrust and fear
* I/ve never trusted h (well, MEN) and instead of dealing with that personal issue myself, I let him know it over and over again.
* I think I've shied away from letting h. really get close to me -- have built up walls of independence and resentment and anger and chilliness out of fear, drive to protect myself.
* I made h feel like I thought he was a bad marriage risk
* I've made my insecurities seem like his problem
* I create chaos when things are going well as a way to manage my anxiety
My lame attempts to control
* I eventually tried to take control of all decisions -- I'd alternate between being angry as hell and resentful about it and craving it
* I overanalyze things and am in constant motion -- always doing something, fixing something, feeling as though something could be improved -- oftentimes the message was that he could be improved?
* I acted too grown up, too responsible and acted as though I was the only adult in the r.
* I never dropped the R. rope and let h. pick it up. Eventually I was the one planning everything, deciding everything, heck, saying everything!
* I set boundaries in the wrong places -- I tried to control his behavior instead of just stating clearly what my "bottom line" was and living with it
I failed to keep my PMA
* Primarily post-A but I've failed to maintain my interests because I've been worried about not being home
* I've been angry and resentful if he didn't show an interest in my stuff
Overall stuff I'm not sure where to put
* my constant drive for "more" left h with the feeling that I would never be happy "with him"
* I would have tacit expectations and then get angry/upset if he didn't respond the way I wanted
* I get all anxious and then seek reassurances from him in an overbearing way.
* Failure to treat/talk to h as a friend. I do and say things to him that I just wouldn't to a friend.
Why do I keep rehashing what works? I dunno but here’s another reminder!
Quote: Even more so because I KNOW so many of the things that work for us --
me dropping expecatations (of his reactions) Just letting him BE -- in his quiet, his thoughts, his ideas Not asking for explanations -- letting him provide Managing myself and my own reactions Treating him, talking with him like a friend Keeping my own PMA up -- exercise, diet, etc Dropping the rope and letting him plan, him initiate Appreciating and thanking him for what he does Not directly asking for reassurance. Seeing it through action Going to movies, dinner, drinks. Hiking. Walking. Holding hands. Hugging. Rituals -- champagne Laughing together Watching baseball. watching movies at home. Listening to him. Letting him talk. Knowing that he's on my side. Being direct Not interpreting his moods Not ASSuming. Taking his words at face value.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
