Just wanted to let you know I appreciate your stops by my thread. I don't post much to others anymore as I don't feel in much of a position to be doing so...besides you surely have surpassed the level of advice I'd be capable of giving you!
Quote: I did OK with not asking h if he was "feeling better" choosing instead to ask "how are you feeling"?
Don't know where this first popped up, but this is a BRILLIANT observation on someone's part (yours, perhaps?) that in answer to the question "Are you feeling better?" no one likes to respond "Noooooo" and sound like a whiner, and yet no one wants to say "Yes," for fear of cutting off any extra attention they might need!
Oh, boyohboy! I'm rarely sick, but when I am I'm down for the count, and I always hated answering the question "Are you feeling better?" for fear of sounding like a total drag, or worse, like I don't need any sympathy.
LL, you KNOW your advice is welcome anytime!! but I hear ya on not putting it out there as often.
Jennifer, yah, I'm learning...It's so hard for me to GET IT -- "are you feeling better" sounds loving and concerned to ME but I can see how it would feel controlling or invalidating to others...
************ Had a good night last night and an interesting observation on communicating with h.
I spent the afternoon with my sis playing with her older daughter (2yo) and helping out a bit with the new baby (5w). I got home around 6pm, quickly checked work e-mail and then h said he wanted to "air out" by going out someplace for dinner. We had a quick bite, came home, hung out on the couch watching T. Despite being very sick still, h was very snuggly and loving.
Onto the insight...
I've noticed lately that I'm having a hard time feeling positive when talking with h about "my" stuff -- I'm not talking about R talks or emotions, but even just everyday conversations with him about work or school or my sister or whatever. I end up feeling like screaming "just forget it" to him actually pretty soon after the conversation starts. I haven't been clear on why until now. One thing that was interesting to me was that it rarely happens when we're talking about HIM or his stuff so I was ending up feeling like conversations were good when talking about him and bad when talking about me and that was making me
So...last night...light dawns...here was the conversation that clarified what I think is going on.
(Background - h and I are going to a "wine tasting" this weekend at a friend's house. It's 5 couples -- we get together every few months and try out a bunch of new wines and have food. Usually it's on a Saturday night but this time it's on Sunday afternoon.)
ME: I want to be really careful on Sunday not to drink too much. I want to avoid that hungover feeling that comes when you spend six hours drinking small amounts.
HIM: Wait! Are we going to be there six hours?
Do you see what happened?
I wanted to talk about being nervous about being hungover. The key point in what I was bringing up was that I had a concern and wanted to chat about it. Instead, h latched onto an off the cuff detail (the HOURS) that wasn't even representative of the meat of the discussion. In fact, I wasn't even saying we would be there for that long...I was only using it to make a point.
I realized that I think this happens frequently.
I'll say "I had a really tough day at work today; people were in crabby moods" -- I want to talk about ME and my tough day and h will say "why were they crabby?".
It's kind of liberating to finally see what's happening because for a while I've been feeling really blaming of h for not being interested in ME...now I can see that he's just very literally latching onto other pieces of the conversation that I'm throwing in for color but he's seeing as pertinent.
I think that makes it easier for me not to personalize it and it probably gives me an opportunity to modify the way I talk to him (stop using compound sentences? don't get irked when it does happen but be more clear about what I consider the main topic to be, etc?)
h just called...he's definitely feeling BAD! I found it very, very hard not to jump into "are you OK?" mode but I kept more quiet than chatty and kind of let him guide the conversation. I did say "tell me more about how you feel" after he told me he was still feeling sick...better than a question, I think.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
This thread is actually quite funny but also very DB-centric, I think...in an overwhelming burst of energy and analyzation I work from this list of "foibles" over and over again...writing out what I did to contribute to the downfall of my M, grouping the list into categories, putting 180s and actions around them, etc. I'm not sure why I needed 30 more threads after that!!
Quote: Just journalling the things here that I came up with -- Things that I ASSume -- that block me from moving forward
1. h is "incapable" of honesty 2. h avoids conflict at all cost 3. h will never tell me how he feels 4. h wants out of our m. 5. h has continued contact with ow 6. h is not willing or able to end a. 7. I am unloveable 8. h will eventually leave me no matter what I do 9. h will go down this path again and have another a. 10. h doesn't care about my feelings regarding his a. 11. h. doesn't love me 12. I will never be able to satisfy h's relationship needs 13. h is looking for an escape route 14. if h loved me he would tell me how he feels about things 15. if h loved me, he would apologize for a. 16. if h loved me, he would reassure me when I ask for it 17. if h loved me, he would make a grand gesture re. a. 18. h will never forgive himself or believe that I truly forgive him.
What is the cycle that needs to change?
Well...it's a few things. I have not forgiven my husband for his choice to have an affair. I have not forgiven myself for the things that I did, the needs that I didn't meet. NOT forgiving each of us, well, that needs to change.
HOW does this cycle play itself out? Things are going good. Either h. withdraws slightly or I just get insecure but either way, I start feeling worried, insecure, nervous, anxious. I create some chaos -- often at the end of an evening -- I get clingy and ask for reassurance -- or I make some ASSertion about something that may or may not be true. H. withdraws. I get ANGRY but use sadness and insecurity and fear as a barrier. H. withdraws even more. I feel like crap. I apologize (but also feel self-righteous) We walk sort of on eggshells for a while It takes a while to bring back the good times and relaxation to our m.
And so on....
Hmmm…this sounds good:
Quote: If I close my eyes and think "what do I really want today from this marriage"? the answer is:
I want to be free of the thoughts of ow and the affair. I want to feel confident that h is recommitted to our m. I want to feel relaxed when I am with him. I want to feel as though I am working to move this m. into a positive direction.
See what I mean? Not an action oriented thought in the bunch.
I know what it will feel like...I'll come home and not be worried that ow was there or that h went to see her, talked to her. I will feel relaxed -- like I once said "in my own skin". I will laugh spontaneously. h. will laugh, will joke, will be physical with me but not in a way that hurts (he'll hug me but not squeeze me too hard, he'll kiss me but not bite my ear so it feels like it's coming off!). We'll be relazed with each other. One of us will initiate and not feel insecure. there won't be hesitation when we talk. I'll be able to breathe a sigh of relief because I'll know I'm safe with him. He'll be able to do the same. He won't be afraid of my judgement, my criticism. I won't be afraid of his distance.
Here’s how I turned those ASSumptions around!:
Quote: Turning my BAD ASSumptions AROUND! Quoting sage:
1. h is "incapable" of honesty h is perfectly capable of honesty and displays that often
2. h avoids conflict at all cost Not so. h may not crave conflict (like someone we know!) but he does not avoid it at all costs
3. h will never tell me how he feels Decidedly not true. h tells me how he feels often. Learning to listen more and take things more slowly would help this sitch a lot.
4. h wants out of our m. h is home. h remains married to me. I have no evidence that h. wants out of our m.
5. h has continued contact with ow h has stated on multiple occasions that he has ceased contact with ow. This is an ASSumption on my part. I have NO evidence that they are still in contact.
6. h is not willing or able to end a. h has stated that he has ended the a. h. is a grown man who is perfectly capable of anything he puts his mind to. I have NO evidence that the a. is ongoing.
7. I am unloveable well, now, that's just crazy talk! I am loveable to the nth degree!!!
8. h will eventually leave me no matter what I do Unless I have suddenly developed the ability to forecast the future, this is bullS&^T. A bogus ASSumption based on my own fear and sense of inadequacy (see #7!)
9. h will go down this path again and have another a. See number 8.
10. h doesn't care about my feelings regarding his a. h has been present, apologetic and sensitive during multiple conversations with me about the a. h does care about my feelings re. the a.
11. h. doesn't love me h tells me that he loves me verbally every day. h shows me that he loves me every day through his actions.
12. I will never be able to satisfy h's relationship needs This is not true. I am perfectly capable of satisying my h.
13. h is looking for an escape route ASSumption. h is home. How is it that I've made the mental leap to him "looking for an escape route"??
14. if h loved me he would tell me how he feels about things h does tell me how he feels about things. it's not always in my timeframe or how I expect it.
15. if h loved me, he would apologize for a. h has apologized for the a.
16. if h loved me, he would reassure me when I ask for it the crappy cycle we get into has nothing to do with whether or not h. loves me. I KNOW this is an area that I need to work on .... soothing myself, not setting him up, asking for help in a way that opens the door to him giving it, accepting if he is unable to, etc
17. if h loved me, he would make a grand gesture re. a. Another ASSumption that has nothing to do with his love for me. I need to let go of my desire for the grand gesture. It's the wrong place to put my energies.
18. h will never forgive himself or believe that I truly forgive him. I cannot read h's mind. Nor can I read the future. I am responsible for my forgiveness of HIM and of MYSELF. That's where I should focus. h is capable of managing his own emotions and forgiveness!
Here's that famous list I mentioned!!:
Quote: The engineer in me apparently had to rewrite my list putting stuff into categories: So, don't be alarmed, though, by this list (like, is she drowning herself in sadness?)...Just putting it out there so I can document/track my 180s.
I categorized the 32 point list into some common themes for ease of reading what a geek. *****************************
Failure to appreciate h.
* I would get angry when he didn't do what I thought he should do -- when he didn't meet the picture in my head
* I put the m. and h. behind other things (family, work, volunteer job)
* I didn't notice and appreciate the things h was doing around the house/for our r.
* I ASSumed that he was unable to be responsible/make decisions/be in control because his way didn't always equal my way
* I was always trying to "edit" h -- not accepting his statements, decisions, thoughts. Always had to put "my spin" (however slight) on it.
* I acted as though having a family together (kids) wasn't important -- eventually, I think I even started acting as though we (he?) couldn't "hack" having kids.
* I used words and actions to make him feel like a bad husband, not grown up enough, not responsible enough, not anything enough
* I didn't attempt to be interested in the things that interest him
* I acted as thought "his way" was almost right -- with this slight "my way edit"
* I failed to notice his romantic side, his vulnerable side
* I was a naysayer -- not being a cheerleader for his dreams and goals
* I failed to respect his need for space, time away from me. Was always trying to get him to "open up"
* I haven't taken seriously his desire to have a clean uncluttered house
* I failed to respect his time -- while running errands, always added 2-3 stops he didn't expect
* I created chaos and crisis a lot cause that's my comfort zone and failed to see how much a calm environment means to him
Communication blockers
* I didn't fully listen when H talked --I'd watch tv, read, be on computer, etc
* I did not manage my reactions well to h's disclosures about himself that scared me, threatened me. Instead of seeing that as "my crap" I think I put a lot of it back onto him, made him feel ashamed, fearful, as though he had to hide himself from me.
* I haven't managed articulating my WANTS well -- I've been indirect, too cautious about telling him what I need. I should have been more direct and let his reaction just be his reaction.
* I interpret his moods, silences, etc. this builds a wall between us
* I often let things fester then blow up
* I fail to stand up for myself respectfully and let him manage his response
Actions related to my mistrust and fear
* I/ve never trusted h (well, MEN) and instead of dealing with that personal issue myself, I let him know it over and over again.
* I think I've shied away from letting h. really get close to me -- have built up walls of independence and resentment and anger and chilliness out of fear, drive to protect myself.
* I made h feel like I thought he was a bad marriage risk
* I've made my insecurities seem like his problem
* I create chaos when things are going well as a way to manage my anxiety
My lame attempts to control
* I eventually tried to take control of all decisions -- I'd alternate between being angry as hell and resentful about it and craving it
* I overanalyze things and am in constant motion -- always doing something, fixing something, feeling as though something could be improved -- oftentimes the message was that he could be improved?
* I acted too grown up, too responsible and acted as though I was the only adult in the r.
* I never dropped the R. rope and let h. pick it up. Eventually I was the one planning everything, deciding everything, heck, saying everything!
* I set boundaries in the wrong places -- I tried to control his behavior instead of just stating clearly what my "bottom line" was and living with it
I failed to keep my PMA
* Primarily post-A but I've failed to maintain my interests because I've been worried about not being home
* I've been angry and resentful if he didn't show an interest in my stuff
Overall stuff I'm not sure where to put
* my constant drive for "more" left h with the feeling that I would never be happy "with him"
* I would have tacit expectations and then get angry/upset if he didn't respond the way I wanted
* I get all anxious and then seek reassurances from him in an overbearing way.
* Failure to treat/talk to h as a friend. I do and say things to him that I just wouldn't to a friend.
Why do I keep rehashing what works? I dunno but here’s another reminder!
Quote: Even more so because I KNOW so many of the things that work for us --
me dropping expecatations (of his reactions) Just letting him BE -- in his quiet, his thoughts, his ideas Not asking for explanations -- letting him provide Managing myself and my own reactions Treating him, talking with him like a friend Keeping my own PMA up -- exercise, diet, etc Dropping the rope and letting him plan, him initiate Appreciating and thanking him for what he does Not directly asking for reassurance. Seeing it through action Going to movies, dinner, drinks. Hiking. Walking. Holding hands. Hugging. Rituals -- champagne Laughing together Watching baseball. watching movies at home. Listening to him. Letting him talk. Knowing that he's on my side. Being direct Not interpreting his moods Not ASSuming. Taking his words at face value.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Will the geekiness never end? Here’s where I color coded my success at 180s – green means I’m doing well, blue means ok, red means BAD! I don’t maintain the colors but that’s what the phase “blue rating” means:
Quote: Failure to appreciate h.
* I would get angry when he didn't do what I thought he should do -- when he didn't meet the picture in my head I'm doing a good job on many things here -- I've dropped my anger around his job stuff, his family, the house, etc. Even when I wish that something were being done differently, I don't get angry about it even in my own head. Where I'm NOT doing well is in times of high stress/high anxiety when the "action" relates to ME. In other words, when I'm looking for something from h.: reassurance, a particular response, etc, I still struggle.
* I put the m. and h. behind other things (family, work, volunteer job) So the 180 is putting my M. first. I'm doing well at this, I think.
* I didn't notice and appreciate the things h was doing around the house/for our r. The 180 is to notice and thank h for the things he's doing around the house. I've actually done really well at this I think. H has also done great! He's doing even MORE AND he's thanking me for the things that I do.
* I ASSumed that he was unable to be responsible/make decisions/be in control because his way didn't always equal my way So, the 180 is to not ASSume anything negative about h's ability to be responsible, make decisions, etc. My success at this is akin to the first item on this list. I'm doing very well about tangible things (decisions on house, etc) but still struggle with interpersonal stuff. I DID put together that point/counter point list of ASSumptions so that's a good step, I suppose.
* I was always trying to "edit" h -- not accepting his statements, decisions, thoughts. Always had to put "my spin" (however slight) on it. I'd say that I'm closer to green than red here...the 180 is not editing h's statements and decisions. In other words, if I ask for his input, I am really, really conscious of NOT making changes to his input. I'm giving myself a blue because I'm not entirely successful at negotiating stuff that IS important to me...I fall back on my old habits.
* I acted as though having a family together (kids) wasn't important -- eventually, I think I even started acting as though we (he?) couldn't "hack" having kids. hmmm. Not sure how to score this one. I think adding a baby to this mix would be a disaster right now but that's more of a reality based assessment than a judgement on h. I also don't think that that assessment will necessarily be true FOREVER. I'd like to feel a lot more secure in the m.
* I used words and actions to make him feel like a bad husband, not grown up enough, not responsible enough, not anything enough 180 would be to notice and appreciate all of the great stuff he does, all the responsibilities he takes on, etc. I'm scoring this blue for the same reason as some others -- doing well on practical stuff, still struggling with letting go of the interpersonal.
* I didn't attempt to be interested in the things that interest him 180 would be to show an interest in the things that interest him. I'm giving myself a green score on this. 1 thing to note is that I'm honest about this effort -- I'm opening my mind to the things that interest him but I'm not developing some weird feigned stepford wife thingy about it.
* I acted as thought "his way" was almost right -- with this slight "my way edit" This is a redux of another above
* I failed to notice his romantic side, his vulnerable side The 180 would be to notice and appreciate his vulnerable and romantic sides. Giving myself a blue rating. I'm not as sensitive as I could be to my h's vulnerability.
* I was a naysayer -- not being a cheerleader for his dreams and goals 180 would be to actively support him in his goals and dreams. Giving myself a blue rating. I'm doing well in some areas (job, school) but still struggling with some areas that clash with my insecurities (house). I'm also not great at communicating my support.
* I failed to respect his need for space, time away from me. Was always trying to get him to "open up" So 180 is to respect his need for space, respect his approach to openess. To NOT sulk or expect him to always be there, always be a certain way. Doing "blue" because while I'm doing OK when I feel GOOD, I'm struggling with this when I don't feel GOOD. I need an action plan for when I'm struggling and h is distant.
* I haven't taken seriously his desire to have a clean uncluttered house 180 is to declutter the house willingly and actively. In my heart, I'm green on this but my execution is POOR. I need to work harder at actually DOING this.
* I failed to respect his time -- while running errands, always added 2-3 stops he didn't expect 180 is to be clear about errands in advance, to negotiate his time, to do errands myself if his timeline conflicts with mine. Doing well on this I think.
* I created chaos and crisis a lot cause that's my comfort zone and failed to see how much a calm environment means to him 180 is to be calm. To not overreact to small things; to handle large things appropriately; to manage my own reactions; to self-soothe. I'm rating myself as RED because I'm still CREATING chaos when I'm stressed and anxious. I'm GREEN on lots of little things, though.
* I didn't fully listen when H talked --I'd watch tv, read, be on computer, etc 180 is to give h my full listening attention when he is talking (phone or in person). I am totally green on this one, baby!
* I did not manage my reactions well to h's disclosures about himself that scared me, threatened me. Instead of seeing that as "my crap" I think I put a lot of it back onto him, made him feel ashamed, fearful, as though he had to hide himself from me. 180 is to hear what h says and to not personalize it, overreact to it, etc, based on my own inability to deal with my stuff. 180 would be to validate his statements and (possibly) state mine if the time is right and it makes sense. Crap. I started out as blue but as I wrote, I changed it to red. When what h is talking about hits a sore spot for me, I stink at this. An area to improve!
* I haven't managed articulating my WANTS well -- I've been indirect, too cautious about telling him what I need. I should have been more direct and let his reaction just be his reaction. 180 is to appropriately state what I want in a direct manner and not personalizing his response. Giving myself a blue here...I'm seeing some progress.
* I interpret his moods, silences, etc. this builds a wall between us Simple 180. Stop interpreting. Even simpler -- I stink at this. MUST STOP DOING THIS.
* I often let things fester then blow up 180 is a combination of soothing myself and articulating my needs clearly when appropriate. Not doing well at this for "hot spots". I think a combination of other 180s will actually take care of this.
* I fail to stand up for myself respectfully and let him manage his response This is a redux Actions related to my mistrust and fear
* I/ve never trusted h (well, MEN) and instead of dealing with that personal issue myself, I let him know it over and over again. So, 180 is to recognize the problem as my own, work at it, shed my ASSumptions about trust, not kneejerk to not trusting, etc. Giving myself blue 'cause isn't recognizing you have a problem the first step?
* I think I've shied away from letting h. really get close to me -- have built up walls of independence and resentment and anger and chilliness out of fear, drive to protect myself. 180 is to open my heart. To let him embrace me, to let him love me, care for me, tend to me, etc, without pushing him away. This is a toughie. You guys know that when things start going too well I end up freaking out....I am working at relaxing into h's love. I need to articulate this better!
* I made h feel like I thought he was a bad marriage risk 180 is to not ASSume and articulate that h is a bad m. risk. Well, this is a tough one but DB'ing and these boards and everything have opened my eyes to the notion that h is actually quite a good risk.
* I've made my insecurities seem like his problem 180 is to accept ownership for my insecurities. I'm doing that. * I create chaos when things are going well as a way to manage my anxiety This is a redux. Need definite action plan for next time I feel freaky.
My lame attempts to control
* I eventually tried to take control of all decisions -- I'd alternate between being angry as hell and resentful about it and craving it 180 is to drop the need for all control; to turn over many decisions (large and small) to h. I'm actually doing great on this one, I think.
* I overanalyze things and am in constant motion -- always doing something, fixing something, feeling as though something could be improved -- oftentimes the message was that he could be improved? So the 180 here is to calm down, stop "chewing things up and spitting them out", definitely stop making HIM feel as though he could be improved through my helpful "suggestions" etc. I believe that I have made good progress in this area in regards to HIM, I'm not so sure that I've struck a good balance as far as I'm concerned...I'm seeing a correlation between my times of anxiety and heavy duty phases of trying to fix myself.
* I acted too grown up, too responsible and acted as though I was the only adult in the r. 180 is to acknowledge h's contribution to the m, to acknowledge his "adultness". I have done this well.
* I never dropped the R. rope and let h. pick it up. Eventually I was the one planning everything, deciding everything, heck, saying everything! 180 is to drop the rope. Stop doing all the planning. Let him plan. Enjoy his plans! Let him decide! I have done well with this. * I set boundaries in the wrong places -- I tried to control his behavior instead of just stating clearly what my "bottom line" was and living with it This is kind of a redux of some others. Need to work on direct statement of my boundaries and not personlizing his reactions.
I failed to keep my PMA
* Primarily post-A but I've failed to maintain my interests because I've been worried about not being home 180 is to do things outside the house that are important to me. I'm doing OK with this but I think I still have a ways to go...
* I've been angry and resentful if he didn't show an interest in my stuff 180 is to NOT be angry if he's not interested in my stuff. To not take it personally. Well, I've done really well shedding the anger and resentment. h, in turn, has done GREAT showing interest in what's up with me!!!
Overall stuff I'm not sure where to put
* my constant drive for "more" left h with the feeling that I would never be happy "with him" 180s are to appreciate h's contributions and thank him for all that he does. To calm down and stop trying to "fix" everything, "fix" him. I'm doing well with the noticing and thanking AS LONG as I'm not anxious or stressed. If I am, I drop the ball and start assuming bad stuff and stop noticing the little things.
* I would have tacit expectations and then get angry/upset if he didn't respond the way I wanted 180 is to drop expectations of responses. I have dropped the anger pretty successfully. Again, when I'm stressed and/or anxious, I still get upset if h. doesn't respond to me in a particular way.
* I get all anxious and then seek reassurances from him in an overbearing way. This needs its own post. * Failure to treat/talk to h as a friend. I do and say things to him that I just wouldn't to a friend. This is SO hard to "action" orient but it's just a simple feeling when I'm talking to h as a FRIEND. I drop assumptions, I drop expectations, I stop trying to read his mind. If I actually consciously say "he is my friend" it can make a world of difference.
Thoughts on the cycle:
Quote: Some of this is a rehash but it's pretty clear that when things start to feel TOO GOOD, I panic. I'm partly panicking because I'm afraid of getting too close, getting set up (if it's so good and he leaves won't it be worse than this time around?), partly because I'm feeling as though I don't know how to take our m. to the next step.
I freak out and bring up the ow in order to create some distance again. I KNOW that h will retreat. I KNOW that I will be anxious and pissed off and back in my comfort zone. Bringing up the affair is a strong message: no matter how bad of a wife I might be (past, present or future), didn't you do something worse?
It's a crappy form of pseudo self protection.
GOODNESS…was I truly this DB-centric???? This is the fifth post on the same darned list! This cracks me up but has good info!:
Quote: Issue: Failure to appreciate h. Goal: I will appreciate h and convey that to him Actions that work: * Drop all expectations of the "right" way to do something * Accept and remind myself OFTEN that I am not h's boss, keeper, mother * Note and thank him for the things that he does around the house! Do this EVERY day. * Note and thank him for the things that he does that make me feel loved. Do this EVERY day. * Note and appreciate and thank him for the things he does that make him a great husband and friend; a great "catch". * Compliment him. He deserves it. * Put my m. first. It comes before work, school, everything. * Let h. make his own decisions. Let h. make decisions for US. ("let" sounds funny here -- but you know what I mean) * When you hear h's decision or suggestion, DO NOT edit it. Accept it unmodified. * Say "would you handle that?", "would you decide that and let me know?", etc. DROP THE ROPE * Learn more about the things that he is interested in. Watch the movies he likes with him, go to ball games and pay attention, etc. * Do fun stuff together -- movies, dinner, hiking, etc * Remind myself that h. is vulnerable too. * STOP ASSuming that he has bad motives. TURN those ASSumptions positive. * Let him be in terms of space and time away from me. * Cheerlead! Let him know that you think he will be successful and WHY! * Make a list of rooms in the house/areas to unclutter and GET TO IT. * Establish the timeline for running errands or do them yourself. * Let go of your anger through meditation, exercise, listening to audiotapes on Buddhism/compassion. TO DO: Reread 5LLs.
Issue: communication blockers Goal: I will listen fully to h, manager my reactions and be appropriately assertive in expressing my needs Actions that work: * I give each conversation with h. my FULL attention -- there are NO distractions when we are talking. * I do not interrupt his statements. * I say 50% less than I think to say. I wait longer before starting to speak to give him time. * When h. says something that I react badly to...validate (reinforce what he has said) and say nothing if you can't say something neutral or constructive. WAIT to respond, rediscuss until your reactions are under control. * State what I need in simple, direct, short sentences. * STOP INTERPRETING HIS MOODS, SILENCES. STOP.STOP.STOP. * Ask a simple question (are you in a bad mood) that does not ASSume the answer or make a judgement. * DO NOT edit his statements. * Learn more about assertive communication techniques.
Issue: Issues around mistrust and fear led to me keeping h at arms length and questioning his trustworthiness Goal: I will treat h. with trust and respect. I will work on and manage my own underlying insecurities Actions that work: * NO SNOOPING * Keeping my own PMA high -- through exercise, diet, doing things that make me feel good about myself * Meditating EVERY day. Meditating in crisis moments * Thought stopping -- using stop sign techniques to stop thinking about OW, fantasizing about bad things happening. * Getting enough sleep. * Not drinking too much * Asking myself "is this TRUE or my ASSumption" when faced with a negative thought * Listening to audio tapes on many topics * Being 100% present when h. is being wonderful and loving to me...really feeling the hug, the ILY, the kiss, whatever. * Noticing the wonderful things that he does for me, that he does around the house and thanking him for them * Getting through periods of insecurity and doubt by asking myself what's going on...WHY I'm feeling insecure or upset * Keeping myself busy -- with work or school or life in general * Recognize that MY job is controlling MY behaviors. Shedding the responsibility I've ASSumed for H's behaviors * Building up other areas of my life so my sole focus isn't h.
Issue: My lame attempts to control Goal: I will drop my need to be in control of everything. I will drop my belief system that control = safety. I will focus on and control MY actions. Actions that work: * I have dropped the rope on making all decisions. I would say that I make 0% of HIS decisions (but offer input if asked) and less than 50% of our small decisions (dinner, etc) and about 50% of our big decisions. * I've stopped believing that it is my job (or heck, my right) to "edit" h -- his thoughts, behaviors, actions, moods, anything. I'm doing well on the tangibles (actions) but still struggle with the intangibles (thoughts and moods). * When confronted with my own desire to "direct" I stop myself and ask "is this really my issue to control? Can I let someone else decide this?" * I've recognized and acknowledged that h is a grown man and perfectly capable and willing to make decisions for himself and for us. This recognition REALLY came from my dropping the rope and noticing the things that he does every day. * I've stopped planning everything. I am grateful and enthusiastic when he makes a plan for us. * I ask "what do you think?". I say "will you take care of this?". AND THEN I STAND BACK. * I've calmed down a lot. I do about 50% of the needless activity that I used to. I talk 50% less than I'm inclined to.
Issue: I failed to keep up my PMA, my life Goal: I will DB for me. I will do actions and activities that make me feel good about myself. Actions that work: * Exercise 6x a week * Eat healthily * Hike * Go to movies * Read books that interest me * Meditate * Explore Buddhism and compassion training * Focus on work when at work (um, may need to work on this one!) * Be active with volunteer job * Don't confuse work woes with home woes * Work on goals around the house * Contribute thoughtfully to BB * Make plans with friends and sister * Spend time with dad, stepmom and brother * Do nice things for h. to show him I care * Note and appreciate the hard work I have done in the last 9 months * Cut myself some slack!
So...in the spirit of never giving up...here are my "top threes"
Quote: Top three things that really work great: 1. Noticing and thanking h. for the positives -- work around the house, his interactions with me.
2. Dropping the control rope. Giving up my monopoly on decision making.
3. Shutting my mouth and listening. Top three things that still need work:
1. Managing my reactions to h. when something he's said or done hits a hotspot for me.
2. NOT interpreting his moods/silences and NOT MAKING ASSUMPTIONS. I honestly believe that when I stop this, SO MANY other things will GO AWAY!!!!
3. Self-soothing when I get anxious. Having an ACTION PLAN for the next period of intense insecurity.
Quote: 1. I need to accept and know each day more the new man my h has come to be
Ah, how have I been missing this? I've been appreicative of his actions but I've missed the point that h is doing his own 180s, working on himself and our m. has improved as a result.
What are some of the changes: h is more verbal -- lots of ILYs h is more physical, including PDAs! h is more open about the details of his day h is more open about his interests h is more involved in our home -- he cleans, cooks, does errands, makes decisions, all kinds of stuff! h is more decisive about our lives h is more open about telling me how he feels h is more open about telling me what he wants h asks me more questions than he used to h gives me advice when I need it more...
2. Doing things around the house NOW as opposed to waiting
Ya know I'm working on this! This is a biggie to me and to h.
Here’s some advice on how to identify “hot spots”:
Quote: It's all about "data collection" One of the reasons why I'm such an advocate for meditation is that I've found that I really need to quiet my mind in order to figure out what's REALLY going on. Here are some other ways I've figured out my danger zones...
1. reread your old posts -- note what went well or didn't go well -- things jump out at you!
2. read other peoples threads...a lot of times, it's easier to see someone else's "traps" and then figure out if they can be applied to your own situation.
3. LL started a thread in this forum on what makes DB'ing hard...you'll find a lot of ideas in there that may be applicable
4. Ask yourself questions...what's REALLY going on here? What am I really feeling? Not the surface stuff but what's really going on underneath.
5. look for patterns in situations that don't go well.
6. listen to your spouse's statements on what doesn't work...h tells me that I start things late at night and often after we've had a good time together. That gave me something to contemplate.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
From one geeky, color coded journal writer to another, I just want to thank you once again for all your hard work! Your DB-centric, focused examination of issues, 180's, what works & what doesn't has made it a lot easier for those of us who came to the BB after you.
I have nicked many of your exercises and worked on them in my nerdy, multi-colored, paper journal. Hey, I'll take a 'short cut' wherever I can!
What a change in your life and R with your H! I see you have been at it for a while by your sign up date. I wish some of the new posters would read some of your post over time and see how long it takes to get where you are today. I suppose many new posters are is so much pain it's difficult to think about next week.
I will have to do a "Sage Study," and "Underdog Study" and use some of your behavior changes to become wiser and more productive im my M.
Great detail Sage. Did not know R had so many details that need attending.
OG Lou, I guess I should read " Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus"
H2H and OG Lou, thanks for the visits and the positive reinforcement. All kidding aside, the geekiness really did work wonders for me, for my M...I think one of the reasons why I love DB so much is that it was just perfect for the way I think...very logical, very detail oriented, etc. Once I embraced it I kinda ran with it!
TBH, there are times when I wonder if I shouldn't apply the same rigor to my R today just as kind of a checkpoint...I fear falling into old patterns and losing what we've gained. ***********
Having a good weekend...it snowed a fair amount here on Friday but after h studied for a while we went out to a late movie...this was kind of a 180 for BOTH of us! usually we pack it in fairly early if we've been home for a while but it was a movie we both wanted to see so off we went! had a good, casual, lowkey time.
Saturday I ran errands early (lots of them) and then came home and cooked for a while. made some wild rice pilaf and my world famous (least in my own universe) lentil soup. combined with the stuff I made last week we've got food to last a while! last night we went to see "Sideways" which was quite good and then out to a quick bite.
h is still horribly sick so we ended up not going to our friend's house this afternoon. we've both been home doing homework and being low key. I may try to clean up some around here -- I've been doing AOS (laundry, cooking, etc) but Im totally overwhelmed with the clutter...I think I've just got to bite the bullet and do something about it.
h was very sweet a little while ago...he came in an apologized and said that he felt like he had been "not focusing" on me of late...I know what he means and it's totally understandable (under tremendous pressure at school, sick as a dog, among other reasons) but I don't think that either of us have been giving him enough credit for how much he DOES take me into account SO WELL despite the enormous pressure. I told him how much I appreciated him talking about it with me. Got a big hug and kiss after that.
Rest of the day will be low key. back to work tomorrow. blech. I DO have a meeting with a career counselor at school...likely that she'll have some suggestions on how to attach the post-MBA job market! hooray!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I'm hanging out at school before class starts...just met with a career counselor here about recruiting (since I'll be done in MAY!) -- she was very positive about my current skills and seems quite enthusiastic about my ability to migrate from my current position to something in not-for-profit work or the ilk.
The end of the weekend was very quiet...h was working on his paper until the start of the Pats game while I hung out in our tv room catching up on all the gourmet magazines that have come in the last 3 months that I haven't read! h apologized a bunch of times for the "lameness" of the weekend (um, what was lame about 2 movies? 2 dinners? hanging out together?) but I think he was really worried that I was bored just being home. I said "h, I know I used to be a party girl but I love being home with you" (note that I have never been a party girl but I WAS someone who constantly had to be DOING something to feel good!). Anyway, he seemed really appreciative and told me "I love you so much" which is, frankly, wonderful to hear.
He couldn't sleep at all last night with his illness so he stayed in the guest room -- still more paper writing this AM but sounds like he finally handed it in an hour or so ago. Now he's probabaly got a bunch of catching up to do with the rest of his classes, my poor hardworking h!!!
Now for the bad news...I have a throbbing headache and a sore throat...I hope I'm not coming down with what he has!!
Off to class.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
you KNOW your advice is welcome anytime!! but I hear ya on not putting it out there as often.
but I love being home with you" (note that I have never been a party girl 