Looking backward...but only to move forward

[sage]

More from the sixth thread...

Calystra’s KICK-BUTT post to me: (this one bears repeating!!)

Ok, you asked for my advice so here goes:

Sage, you are a wonderful person. You have give so much great advice to so many people, including myself - and I am forever in your debt for it because I feel that those words led me to ultimately getting my H back. So I just wanted to make it clear here that I respect you completely... but I am here as a fellow DB'er and not to pat you on the back and give you hugs this time... and I apologize in advance if this comes across as harsh.

When Umbrella pulled out the 2x4 at the beginning of this thread, I think he was right on the mark.

I began reading your threads when I came here in December and now it's almost July. If I look at your the overall content of your threads, I see the same thing over and over and over for the past 7 months! You have been in almost the exact same sitch, worrying about the same exact things, going up and down on this rollercoaster of screwing up and then apologizing! I hate to have to do this but this is a huge 2x4 whack. When are you going to get off of this track? Don't you think it's about time?

I continue to see the same thoughts over and over from you, you go through the exact same things over and over - it's like an inevitable cycle that continues to repeat itself.

Believe it or not, I actually do have some constructive things that I'm going to tack on here:

"I'm scared that the reason h. doesn't tell me things is because he still doesn't really know if he wants to be with me."

Your H struggle with expressing his feelings - even in your recent posts I can see this pretty clearly. Why do you think that your H doesn't want to tell you things? I bet you can answer that pretty quickly. What can you do to help your H express his feelings? What can you do to provide a comfortable environment for your H to share things in? What can you do to be a person your H feels comfortable sharing things with?

When you bring up OW, do you understand why your H may not be receptive to the conversation or answering your questions? "After the Affair" and DR addressed this issue specifically. (Ceb also explained this concept to me.) Bringing up the past brings up all the feelings from the past as well. It transports people back to that time and was that a good time for either of you? No! Why would anyone want to voluntarily feel that way again!

"It's been an issue before for h. that I "ruin" things -- good times with a blowup."

Why does your H feel this way? Are you guilty of this? This related to the above issue of bringing up things in the past as well.

If you want to fix this M, you MUST take control of things. You need to control yourself, your actions, your reactions, your thoughts, your words! Stop sign visualization - anything to stop the negative thoughts. You know these concepts!

It's not completely out of line to expect your H to fix some things but the burden of this is going to fall on your shoulders and you must take responsibility for fixing the M!

"I'm scared that he's still looking for an out -- that I'm ok "for now" but that he'll never feel as though he can be honest with me."

"I want to feel like part of a team."

Now, I'm not trying to say that some of your feelings aren't valid but you really need to figure out which are valid and which are simply you being overly insecure. What needs do you have that aren't being met that may lead you to feel this way? What specific things can your H do to help your feelings?

Your H has been by your side for how long now? He has been riding this rollercoaster right along with you. He has told you that he has no contact with OW. Put yourself in your H's shoes for a while - look at his feelings and thoughts. How do you see yourself through his eyes? How does that make you feel?

You also said that you were going to use that big list you wrote to formulate some goals but I don't see any new goals.... did you get around to that yet?

Whew, ok, I'm done... it's really hard for me to say things like this because I'm generally a pretty nice person but I really think you need to hear it Sage. I think you need to take this very seriously.

HAHA – even at that point I was revisiting threads to look for common themes and lessons!
I mentioned that I reread my threads the other day and that it reinforced for me what Cal has been saying -- I'm stuck in a cycle of my own creation. SO many posts on my threads are like "here's a bunch of good stuff but I'm bummed anyway". I feel myself mired in that over and over and over again. Here are the common themes that I saw:

Mondays are hard for me -- I feel distant and unsure

Bringing stuff up to h is unsatisfying and actually detrimental. I hold stuff in, freak out, ask for reassurance (demand it?), don't get it, get mad, etc.

Worrying about stuff that may or may not be happening. Paranoia about ow still being around.

Feeling boring on the phone. Issues around email. Feeling rejected when he doesn't respond to my emails.

My making "ow" the "problem" instead of a symptom of the the problem

I freak out after a period of closeness and create a chaotic situation.

talking to h like a friend...asking for things like I would ask a friend...that works much better than what I'm doing.

I make huge leaps and ASSumptions when I confront h.

I need to focus on what I can control -- my behavior, my thoughts, my responses. I cannot control h., his relationships, his thoughts, his behaviors.

I feel a bit crazy when he goes to check his email.

I lose sight of the good things when I get mired in feeling sorry for myself.

I do not feel like a good wife. the kind of wife that someone is faithful to. I do not feel loveable, chooseable, sexy, pretty, smart, ENOUGH.

we both get mired in "nothing will ever change"

I get horribly stuck when I ASSume that h. is "not on my side".

Sage