Gues...I'm glad you're finding this helpful! I know that I AM! It's been hard looking back so I had to take a little break...but in a way it's been so good, too!
1. my anger (over my needs not being met? over having some picture in my head? over past stuff? over being afraid?)
2. putting m. behind all other things (family, work, volunteer job, etc)
3. not listening attentively when h. talked (reading, being on computer, tv, etc)
4. not appreciating the things that h. did around the house
5. trying to control all decisions (did this out of fear? sense of superiority?)
6. not trusting h. (resulting from early conviction that men cheat then leave + my need for more details re. his life than he was willing to share)
7. not accepting h. for who he is today (partly lack of appreciation, partly not meeting the "picture in my head", partly my drive for control, etc)
8. not letting h. really love me, really "get" to me (fear. fear. fear.)
9. (maybe) not acting as though having a family together was something I wanted to do (for a while it just seemed like the wrong time, then it was putting everything else first, then it was that he didn't seem truly interested in ME)
10. not managing my reactions well to h.'s disclosures about himself (stuff that scared me, need for control)
11. overanalyzing everything (this list doesn't count! )
12. not being "fun", being too "grown-up" (because I thought I was the only adult one in the r.)
13. never dropping the rope and letting h. pick it up
14. not being directly CLEAR about what I want -- and let his reaction NOT bug me
15. setting boundaries in the wrong places -- I tried to control his behaviors instead of just letting him know clearly what my response would be
16. making him feel like a bad husband, not grown up enough, not responsible enough, not anything enough. a bad risk.
17. not making an attempt to be interested in some of the things that interest him
18. being a big giant baby when I didn't get my way.
19. always wanting my way.
20. making is seem like "his way" was almost right...but with this slight "my way" edit.
21. not seeing his romantic side. not seeing his vulnerable side.
22. being a naysayer (either directly or through silence) -- not being a cheerleader for his dreams and goals (fear, fear, fear. need for control)
23. letting this fester than blowing up.
24. making my fears, my insecurities, etc, seem like his problem
25. simply not appreciating everything that he offered every day.
26. Interpreting his "moods" and "silences" instead of just letting him be.
27. Not standing up for myself with him -- in a respectful way (to either of us)
28. being indirect about what I wanted (I might have already said this)
29. not taking seriously (enough to act) his desire to have a clean, uncluttered house
30. not respecting his time (out running errands, tack on 2-3 more stops that he didn't expect)
31. not taking his words at face value (more interpreting)
32. not seeing how much a calm environment meant to him (always hepped up about something)
Boy…there’s a pretty big meltdown on this thread…I can’t even cut/paste it because it’s far too ugly. This post is from 6/18/03 which was about 7 months post bomb:
Quote: As for the "giving up" concept -- I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't considered throwing in the towel. I love my h. I believe in our m. I believe that we will get thru this if we both want to. What I'm struggling with right now is whether or not he wants to -- and whether or not I feel like waiting for him to decide. There's a part of me that thinks that h. will ALWAYS feel like leaving me if he doesn't leave...do you know what I mean? I swear that there's a part of him that believes that there "may" be someone "better" out there...
The other thing that's weighing on my mind is what seems to be his "out" right now -- that things AREN'T better by now, ergo they never will be. I posted some time fairly recently about another poster whose h. had a second a. since he never figured she'd forgive him for the first. I'm not saying that my h is actively pursuing anything but the defeatist attitude seems to exist for him. I'm frustrated and angry that he seems to be totally disinterested, too, in educating himself about healing from infidelity and working with me.
I don't want my m. to end. I really, really, really don't. I've been hinting on the boards and also to h. that I'm not sure I can finish this healing on my own...and I'm truly not sure about that. Maybe I've still got some oomph left for the seemingly solo effort of DB'ing but eventually, I am completely convinced that we have to join forces to wring out this "you'll never trust me" "you're not trustworthy" corner case. It astonishes and perplexes and utterly wounds me that he doesn't seem able to do that with me.
More musings:
Quote: I'm feeling so darned confused right now. On the one hand, I feel like at this point, it should be ok for me to ask for reassurance re. ow and our m. and NOT have to deal with D talk and anger and whatever. On the other hand, I'm mad at myself for doing "more of the same" -- not just focusing on the great stuff that h. IS doing, needing reassurance, mistrusting, etc. I wish that I could have pushed thru this on my own but I just couldn't, I don't know why. Lack of patience, bad DB'ing, a weakness in me?
I've been noticing a definite correlation between my r. and talitsa's. In her last post she talks about how her MC told both her and h that they were both suffering from needing reassurance from each other (tho' they obviously play out their anxiety in different ways). There's a big part of me that thinks the same is true for h and me. GOD KNOWS that my anxiety and insecurity and need for reassurance is just hanging out all over the place At least that's the way it seems to me -- tho' perhaps what is so clearly FEAR in my mind looks like something completely different in h's.
BUT, what about him? Was ow in part a sign that I just wasn't loving him enough? giving him the reassurance that he needed? no doubt. SO WHAT ABOUT NOW??? (Yes, I'm yelling!) Is ow still around as a safety net? or am I just crazy (or both)? Does h think that I'm angry at him? that I don't love him? that I don't love our m?
It's not that. It really isn't. I'm terrified of giving myself completely to him and to our m. while I think ow is still around -- OR that he's still thinking "escape route" -- yet as I've said before, I don't think he'll STOP thinking escape route until he feels it fully from me.
What I was asking for the other day was some SIGN that he could take a step towards me. I don't think I can make this big, giant, scary, alligator infested leap alone. I need him to lean over and reach out his hand -- maybe risking getting bitten himself -- to help me along.
I don't know what to do now. I want to send him pointers to talitsa's threads (I won't). I want to ask him to read "after the affair" (I won't). I want to let him know how much I want his love and our m. Will I?
Well…this is more positive, right????
Quote: when I REALLY look at the impact of DB'ing on my m, though, I'm amazed at the wonderful progress that we've made -- h is talking, sharing, participating -- I'm listening more, calmed down, etc. I actually think that we've managed to add to our foundation in a way that we never have before. I guess I just get impatient. and scared.
From Shiny:
Quote: So, a conundrum: How do you ask for reassurances (which IS NORMAL...if the bloody man would just READ some of this stuff!!! ) without A) making him feel that "nothing is ever enough" B) Risking hearing that he's not ready to give such reassurances.
I really don't think your H is still hung up on OW. I get the sense (as someone said earlier) that his current "nose out of joint" is that he's been trying so hard with his ACTIONS, that your momentary backslide hit him really hard.
Hmmmm..this sounds familiar:
Quote: Totally on target! My best DB success came when I was able to focus on his needs...and you know what??? My needs got met, too, they just weren't where I focused my energies FIRST.
What are his needs?
Quote: To be forgiven. To be trusted. To not be controlled. To be allowed to show me that he is trustworthy. To feel appreciated. To feel needed. To feel competent. To be loved. To be given the freedom to make his own mistakes BUT for me to have faith that he'll do the right thing. To feel as though what he's doing is good, is enough, is satisfying. To feel as though he is a good partner to me. To feel as though as though he makes me happy.
More thoughts on asking for reassurance:
Quote: I think my h. is really, really, really sensitive to not feeling trusted...to not feeling appreciated...to feeling as though I will never be happy, what he does will never be good enough. Why? I dunno. No doubt it's partly because of how I've treated him for our m. Does it go back further than that? Can't say.
I DO think it's gonna take lots and lots and lots of appreciating him, loving him, etc. to counteract a show of anger/frustration/untrusting on my part.
He may never be at the point where he can respond to my need for reassurance w/o feeling as though it's an attack. OTOH, I've been deeply wrong before about his "limits" (goodness, how 'holier than thou' I was!) for loving me, connecting with me, etc.
I need to love him with all my might. And I need to love myself too -- reassure myself -- shore up myself -- strengthen myself. I'll show him my vulnerability but not from anger -- from the place that it's so true -- that he is capable and just the right person to alleviate my fears. If he recoils, well, I'll comfort myself.
In the meantime, I need to figure out how to ask for what I need without it always seeming like a judgement...
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
