Looking backward...but only to move forward

[sage]

Ahem….still true at times:

I have to stop thinking about ow. I have to stop giving her the mental time of day. she is NOTHING. we're coming up on a year now of me thinking about her and her r with my h and on and on. I am sick of it. I am tired of picturing her. I am tired of rehashing her behavior with me, with my h. I am tired of re-reading the words over and over and over again that she wrote to my h. I am tired of feeling as though she has stolen things from me -- time, memories, special events, my h's heart. I am tired of feeling humiliated that she lied to my face over and over. I am tired of feeling victimized because she and my h carried on their a in full view of our friends. I am tired of thinking that she's winning or has won. I am tired of feeling as though I am somehow LESS of a person due to her presence -- past, present, future.

I am not less of anything because of her. I am not less of anything because h chose to be with her. She is nothing to me. And, his choices were his own.

I am tired of giving my h the message that he is untrustworthy. I am tired of trying to control what I cannot to make me feel better in some warped way (does it work?). I should be spending the mental energy I devote to her to curing cancer, fighting hunger, saving drowning puppies.

I think that my h wants to be married to someone who loves him, cherishes him, trusts him, values him, believes in him, supports him, leans on him, knows him but knows there's always something more to know. I want to be married to the same.

Every day that I think of her, I bring a third person into our m. Why would I ever expect HIM to stop thinking about her when I cannot? Choose not to?

I realized two days ago the perfect revenge -- the perfect missing piece I've been looking for -- it's getting my life back, it's making my marriage as awesome as it can be. WHAT could be a better revenge than that? AND, it works for me too. I want my life and love back.

So...I'll keep the goal to manage the ow-extremes -- when insecurity gets me so far down that I can't imagine being the one. I'll work on being mindful, I'll work on managing ME, etc. BUT, that's not enough....

she's gone. no casual thoughts. no wonder. no rehashing. It won't be easy or automatic. It's going to take work. I can shut it down, slam down the lid.

She's not getting any more of my time.

Insights about my controlling behaviors:

Yah -- the thing that C and I discussed was twofold -- that I struggle with things that I can't control (and HAVE tried to control them with very negative results -- much of my "bad" behavior early in m was to try to "control" h out of fear) but also that I hold myself to unrelenting standards in an effort to control stuff -- like, IF I'm the PERFECT wife then he will be less likely to cheat, leave, whatever. I can do a pretty good job of beating myself up when I get started -- why did I say that, why didn't I say this, on and on. I think the solution is also twofold -- recognize and accept the things that I cannot control (I think I've heard that somewhere!) and work on ME so that I finally realize that I'm "worthy" even if imperfect.

I don't think that my constant self-monitoring draws h any closer to me either...if anything, I've heard from him that my being on overdrive is a turnoff.

Another snapshot of what was working:

Some things that are working:
Listening more and REALLY listening (not distracted, etc)

(Finally) Letting h. make decisions for him and for us without my input

Noticing, appreciating and thanking him for ALL of the things that he does for us

Going out together (movies, dinner, drinks, etc)

Staying in together

Being truly interested in the things that interest him

Not freaking out when he seems "distant"

Maintaining my PMA, myself!

Understanding and stopping the behaviors that impacted our M (working on this)

Stopping my obsession with ow (ok, obsession is too strong of a word -- but putting her out of my mind)

Relinquishing control for everything

Asking him what HE thinks

Releasing my anger

Forgiving him and myself

Meditating every day!

Being honest with myself about what's real and what's in my mind

Treating him with respect (I hope he feels this) because he truly deserves it

Recognizing that I have been angry at him for a lot of things that were not his fault. Apologizing for that.

Hmmm…maybe this should go on a Hallmark card?

I do not see how I can create a life (and m.) that contains honesty and passion and love and happiness and gratitude and courage and forgiveness and joy...unless I am living those things.

If I want honesty in my m. and life, I must be living honestly. If I want passion, I must be living passionately. If I want happiness and joy, I must be living happily and with joy.

You get the point.

Instead of courage, I've been living in fear. Instead of optimism, I've been living with doubt. How can my marriage be based on trust if I am untrusting?

I know that this isn't a canned solution -- I'm not fooling myself into thinking that it's all up from here -- and I'm not intending to push the sadness away if it is there -- or to beat myself up for it. I just don't have to LIVE it, I don't have to DEFINE myself as it, I don't have to let it permeate my life and my m. each day.

I can live with honesty and joy and passion and love and gratitude and enthusiasm and confidence and ....

I need to radiate the things that I want in my life and they will come back to me. How can I expect joy if I cannot give it?

Sage