Looking backward...but only to move forward

[sage]

Here's a link to my fifth thread:

Sage's Fifth Thread

Hmmm…this is actually covered nicely in “men are from mars”…

One of the things that I hear from H is that when I hold thing in for too long, I give off a "vibe" that leaves him tense and upset. So, the key is, how to I shed the things that don't need to be discussed, touch lightly on the things that do and hold "onto myself" if he doesn't respond well? Getting my voice back -- not shrill and controlling but confident and sure. That's the key.

One of the sad parts for me is that H. is often defensive when I ask for reassurance...not sure if that's because I ask for it too often? But, something about the way I phrase it seems to leave him feeling as though I am judging my insecurity and sadness as HIS failure. Not my intent!

I think I've mentioned that I'm relistening to "Men are from Mars...". It's so amazing to me how that book describes many of the communication stumbling blocks that I run into with h (and him with me!). The whole "asking for reassurance" topic is covered nicely in the book (how W often NEED reassurance but men feel blamed when asked for it) etc.


The paradox:

Some days I feel strong - I feel sure that I will be ok no matter what. I recognize that life is as it is and that my tendancy to control is fear based -- when the fear isn't there, I feel more sure of myself -- more certain that I can handle whatever comes my way. That takes the pressure off me NEEDING to know the unknowable -- not that H is being faithful but that he will ALWAYS be here, etc.

Some days I don't feel strong and that's when I focus my precious energy on useless things -- when I replay what I read and saw and expand on it -- when I wonder if they are laughing at me, plotting, back to the same old, same old. Back to the big "eff-you, sage".

I know in my heart that the only way to let go is to just do it. To accept that I cannot control my H. or his wants, desires and actions. To walk directly into the fire of loving someone who has hurt me deeply, has hurt himself, too. To remind myself over and over and over again that loving him with all of my heart through all of my fears is never, ever going to be a bad thing. Really.

GREAT insight from Jeannine on how to tackle difficult conversations: (where are you friend?? I miss you!)

Here is what I do whenever I need to talk to husband about something that has reached "code orange" for me.

1) First of all, I try not to let the toxic build up go so long that I've reached "code red", because by then, I'm misfiring emotional missiles right in my own face. This is not to say that in "code orange" I'm not feeling plenty of emotion and fear, just that I'm still able to man-the-controls a bit better.

2) I only approach the subject when I sense H is not distracted with what he thinks are important things and is in at least a somewhat neutral or open mood.

3) I begin by looking him in the eyes and assuring him that I am not angry with him nor do I wish to guilt or hurt him in any way and that I am not looking to assign blame. I let him know that I am simply siphoning off some uncomfortable feelings that are making me feel bad.

4) I try to keep the issues that are bothering me seperated from H. I treat it as an exercise in dissipting negative energy into the atmosphere, but not on, at or into H.

5) In asking "those" questions, whenever I get what appears to be an honest answer, I tell him in a calm and warm voice, "I appreciate you telling me the truth".
I say this even if it isn't exactly what I wanted to hear.
If I have good cause to believe his response was a lie, I simply do not respond and wait a bit before either one of us decides to continue on.

6) I always touch or hug him when the conversation is over. Also, I try to be the one who ends it.

7) I try to follow-up, at an appropriate time, some sort of act of kindness or to do something that I know that will help fill his love tank (from the "Five Love Languages) as a "thanks for listening and responding" gesture. I keep it subtle and incidental so that it won't be obvious to him, but hopefully, on a subconcious level he will relate his compliance to listening and conversing with a pleasant aftermath.

8) I do this sparingly and on a needs-only-basis.

Great insights from Jim (U24 – I MISS you, too!!!):

OK, I think I'm seeing a trend here. I could be wrong, but it seems like every time things are going well between you guys, you start getting those feelings of insecurities, or DBIDKHTBAGW, as you would call it. Quit beating yourself up. Don't know how to be a good wife? Listen, there are probably a hundred guys around here who would kill for their wives to act like you are. So don't give me that, I'm not buying it.

I sometimes wonder if there is still some resentment from the A that you haven't been able to let go of. Therefore, when things start going well, maybe you feel like they SHOULDN'T be going well, and find a way to pull back. OK, I'll shut up now, before I get busted for practicing psychiatry without a license.

Sage, I think maybe it's time for you to just sit back and enjoy the ride for awhile, without trying to analyze everything so much. You've worked so hard on trying to keep your M together. Now your H is joining in, so maybe it's time to let him. Relax, and enjoy the gift you've been given. As you know, not everyone receives this gift. Cherish it, and most of all, have a good time. Take a break, before you burn yourself out.

This pretty much sums it up!:

Came face to face with one of the root causes of my anxiety this morning reading another M. newsgroup -- someone was "role playing" what a person whose S. had cheated might be thinking...in it the person said something like "I wish I could stop feeling as though he has one foot out the door. I know that I have to let my guard down to heal this marriage but it feels impossible when I wonder every day if today is the day he's leaving".

Couldn't have summed up my feelings more perfectly. H's "well, I'm here now, aren't I?" stance isn't comforting to me... I wish that I had words of reassurance from him that he is interested in working on the M. But I don't, and I won't, so I'm sitting in the garden of fear and insecurity and anxiety. And it ends up being too easy for me to think "I have to protect myself here -- through distance or anger or leaving first -- emotionally or physically -- before he leaves me".

Of course, none of that gets me closer to my goal, right?

So, I'm trying to bravely face the fear. Not dismissing it, not judging it (or me!), just sitting with it.

I am afraid that H. has one foot out the door. I am afraid that without some focus from him on fixing our M that it will not be healed. I am afraid that if I give myself fully, he will leave anyway. I am afraid to expose myself. I am afraid to open my heart fully.

I know that if I don't, I will not be giving my all to M or H. I know that I have to take the leap -- allowing for the possibility that I may lose everything -- if I'm going to win anything.

I am afraid of being hurt.

A good summary:

What does he want? I think he wants to be loved unconditionally, to exist in peace, to be understood, to be heard, to be appreciated, to be loved, to be needed, to be important, to not be immersed in conflict, to be admired, to be successful. What else? Can I give him those things? Can I do it in the face of all of my fear and anxiety?

More right out of mars and venus:

I do think that I've been frustrated over not getting what I think I need in the "way" that I need it from H. A good example is my need for reassuring words from him when I'm feeling insecure...for whatever reason, 8 out of 10 times when I ask him for verbal reassurance I don't get it. I'm not sure if it's because my request isn't clear OR if he can't give it to me because he's battling his own interpretation of the request (like, he sees my request as a judgement on HIM so he can't respond) or a thousand other things...I just know that many times, when I need words, I don't get them. Will I ever? Well, I hope that we get to a place where he's able to give them more and I'm able to ask for them less...does that make sense?

When I quiet down and "listen", I can hear my H's language and hear what he is offering to me...the problem happens when I am in my high-anxiety, low-confidence mode...my "tuners" only latch onto MY language and I miss what he's saying....

Fodder for a bit of therapy :

I don't actually know what to do with all of this...I realize that I have placed a huge burden on h (unfair, too) to make me feel whole and right and chosen. I realize that I've stripped away everything else, too, that could and should be part of me and my life -- a satisfying job, family, friends, etc and have stood in front of h and said, ok it's your job to make me feel good. A thousand times not fair.

So...how do I know? Well, first things first, right? I gotta strip off the BS from the past and take that burden off h. Then I've got to pull off all the present crap -- gotta rebuild my life with work, friends, family. Not fair for him to shoulder all of that! Gotta fill up the "sage" hole, too -- that stuff that only comes from me. What'll be left is what's aok to expect from my spouse.

How to get there? take care of the past with mindfulness work -- get rid of all the cobwebs and crap. take care of the present with DB'ing -- rebuild my life, "choose" myself. Revel in the wonderful stuff that h does every day. Appreciate him, love him, choose him. Stop making him pay for everything that happened before him. Am I still making him pay for his A? gotta figure that out.

Hmmm…this is a bit weird…I feel like in some ways we’ve been going thru something similar for the last few weeks..:

well, I wouldn't actually say that this was BAD -- actually, it was probably info that I can USE but ...well...during the conversation about whether or not it was too soon to get another cat, I said something like "I just have this love to give...it needs to be given" and H said "and of course you can't give it to me". Hmmm. He didn't say it seriously really and I asked him if he didn't feel loved by me and he said he was just joking but...well...it seemed like an odd comment to make if there didn't feel like SOME element of truth to it, no?

For the past few months (6-8 weeks) I think I have backed off of loving H overtly -- maybe it's a cyclic thing but I thought I was doing it in response to him backing away from me!!!! He's been more distant (I think), has pretty much stopped initiating , got irked a few weeks ago when I initiated (got defensive), hasn't made a surprise plan or suggested champagne, or whatever. I thought he was backing off because something had happened...and I backed off to not pressure him (and probably to not completely humiliate myself). Anyway, I got the feedback that maybe he's not feeling completely loved...

More goal related stuff:

>> I would like to get through the next BIG phase (the little ones come and go) of what I will now call "ow-funk" without freaking out on myself or h.

Things that work:
* not asking questions
* not ASSuming anything (call waiting clicks in, must be ow, etc)
* Keep busy/distracted when h is on computer
* don't set myself up -- don't call during "peak worry hours"
* recognize when I'm just feeling badly about myself for other reasons (work, family, etc) and know that that makes me vulnerable to ow-funk
* no mindreading
* remember that h is my friend, is on my side
* it helps when h tells me what he's doing on the computer (like comments on an article he's read, etc)
* it helps when h tells me details about his day

How can I encourage those behaviors?
* be interested and focused when h is talking with me
* listen
* be patient -- with him, with me, with babysteps
* don't ask questions (cannot be stated often enough)
* remember that things aren't always on my timetable
* be calm
* be forgiving
* be forthright
* take myself away from the sitch if I'm feeling really unsure -- go for a walk, movie, shopping, etc.

I will make a conscious effort to calm myself the next time I feel the major wave of insecurity w/o creating a crisis at home.

Sage