Looking backward...but only to move forward

[sage]

Thoughts on how the past can taint my perception of the future:

As long as I'm baring my soul here, I just had another insight (in the ladies room of school of all places). We know that I have "an issue" with security -- looking for grounding and certainty when life is uncertain. Seeing suggestions of change and ambivalence as dire threats, etc.

Well...I just realized that part of the problem is that I ASSume that H. is toying with my sense of security. In essence, that his "cavalier" attitude (not really, but my ASSumption) is a thumbing his nose as my desire for security. SO...that I'm feeling angry (more likely hurt or taken advantage of) by him and that that is piled on top of my fears. BUT -- H. isn't toying with me. He isn't jerking me around or being a bad guy. He's talking about normal stuff. What's making me feel that way is that mom and dad WERE adults and should have been caring enough to say to each other: look, we're not sure we're breaking up. Let's put some adult plans in place BEFORE we tell the kids. Let's not jerk them around.

But they didn't. And they didn't do it once. or twice. they did is over and over and over again. So, it's not just that my fears are reaching into the past -- so is the feeling that someone is doing it on purpose. Keeping me without the ground under my feet on purpose. Because shouldn't two grownups KNOW if not the FIRST time, certainly the second time that MAYBE they weren't sure they were splitting up so just shut up!

I don't know if this makes any sense. I've been picturing H. pulling the safety net out from under me on purpose (the on purpose part being the interesting key here). it isn't him that's giving me that feeling....AND, eventually I'll probably recognize that mom and dad were doing the best that they could, too.

Posted this after a bit of a rough go-round with h:

Just wanted to post a couple of things I read on other threads as a reminder to myself...

20% of "us" give up the first time we get winded. We can't tolerate the ebb and flow of emotions.

Not sure of the stat but given where I was yesterday, I know this feeling. I forgot to keep the end goal in mind which is rebuilding my M.

And, on a related note: Someone wise wrote that they get excited when they see folks doing things (DB'ing?) despite the fear.

THIS is where I end up...afraid that my efforts are wasted or worse, afraid that I'm going to be the best DB'er in the world, give myself to my M. wholeheartedly and it's still gonna collapse -- so I retreat in fear when I encounter resistance (either his or mine). Again, a lot of what happened yesterday.

So, how'd I do? I made it through without "losing it" -- got back on the DB horse and all.

Sometimes good stuff comes after a lull – in fact, it ALWAYS seems to!:

Trudged into work this morning feeling a bit sad. Last night was good -- got my haircut, got some chinese food. Got home and H said some good stuff (but no compliment about my awesome haircut! rats!). Held hands a bit while watching tv, etc.

Still have this undercurrent that something's wrong, though. Is it his back? His stomach? Something else? Me? Feeling down made me feel even MORE down -- wouldn't his response be "what more do I have to do to make you happy? You'll never be happy." Is that true? Thinking about it made me sad. Felt broken, wished for a time when I felt OK in my own skin, not like someone who wishes her heart could mend. Dragged myself even further down wondering if there IS something wrong with me -- (well, beyond the things I post about!). Wondered if a new relationship was the way to go. Wondered if I'd just carry the same old crap there. Wondered if anyone would ever find me attractive, want to date me, want to marry me.

Came in and read shiny's thread. Then Teach. Then this morning LL captured SO many of my thoughts.

H. called. Had an ok conversation but halfway through was back to feeling sorry for myself. What is bothering him? Why does he seem so distant? Or is it me? Why can't I be back in an R. where things didn't feel so conflicted? We WERE that way once tho' it's been more than a year.

THEN, I had to call H. for some info. He picked up the phone in a rush and when I asked what was up he said somewhat sourly "I was bringing the groceries in and I HAD to run upstairs to pick up the phone". Light goes off, mood lightens. No you didn't. You didn't HAVE to run upstairs to pick up the phone. You chose to. Be grumpy about it if you want but it's your own choice.

Just like it's my choice. I don't know why but his irritation over something that he chose to do just unblocked me. I don't own his distance -- I own mine. I don't own his feelings -- I own mine. I don't own his views or commitment to our M. I own mine.

What do I want? I want to feel and be strong, to feel and be happy, to feel and be loved and loving. I own that too.

I'm not saying all my fears have evaporated. I'm just saying that it was a kick in the pants. H. can have "itchy butt" -- so can I -- there's no rules around how I "have to feel". Frankly, today I'm choosing to feel good about me.

When do I get stuck? When do I get mired? Why have I been so down, so angry, so hurt????

I get stuck when I assume that H. is NOT on my side. I get stuck when I think that he is purposefully trying to hurt me. I strike back against my ASSumptions. I withhold, I am angry, I feel justified in my anger.

WHAT could be the bigger F*&^ you than H's A???? What could convince me over and over and over again that he doesn't hold my safety in high regard? That he does not seek to protect me. Even worse? That he seeks to hurt me.

AND, today, yesterday, any time in the present, assuming that they are STILL in touch, still connected, well, if FEELS like a big old F*&^ YOU, SAGE, all over again. Because I ASSUME that he is trying to hurt me, confuse me, put me in jeopardy.

BUT, he isn't.

H is on my side. He is my friend. When I remember that, I feel joyful and loving. When I intrepret (arrgh) his actions with the filter of hate and hurt, I want to hurt back. I feel demoralized and depressed and unloved and unsafe.

I need to stop ASSuming. I need to stop interpreting. I need to remember that H. is on my side and loves me. I need to remember the best. I need to be his friend and let him be mine. I need to let go of my anger.

Hmmm…translate THIS into goals!:

I'm not sure if it's the "stars" that drive me towards my tendencies or my upbringing (that old nature/nurture argument!). I CAN say that I think I've spent a lot of time blaming H. or being angry at H for things that had nothing to do with him and everything to do with whatever filters/defense mechanisms/whatever I developed growing up. I'm not going to blame my parents or wallow in that for TOO long but I've REALLY been able to see how my method of coping as a kid has REALLY screwed up my ability to be present in my M AND to let my H know how much I love him. He has really paid for a lot of crap that he didn't deserve.

So...in some ways I feel like I'm cramming for an exam...4 threads down (reflecting about 5 months of DB'ing) and a jillion to go...here's something absolutely alarming that I have gleaned in this "read thru" (and this will NOT come as a surprise to anyone who's been hanging with me...) GOOD, GOOD stuff was happening very consistently and at the first sign of distance from h I would sink into a "things are great BUT..." syndrome. Heck, sometimes there wasn't EVEN a sign of h being distant...it was more about him being quiet, being lowkey, being HIM.

NOW, I'm not gonna beat myself up for it...it was only 5 months post finding out about the A but it's alarming (really!) how many posts there are that are really, really good and they are followed up with a "I feel bad" post that then launches into how crappy things are...

Yah, I know. You told me so.



Sage