Found DB/DR in 12/02 and have been DB'ing since. Identified 180s pretty easily and learned quickly to shut up, listen and stop trying to control everything. H. has been very reponsive to efforts and has become very loving and attentive.
The biggest thing I run into now is not knowing whether H and ow are still in contact. H's actions are very positive and loving but he has struggled with the words of reassurance. I've been having a very hard time dealing with that but have also recognized (through DB'ing and IC) that I DO have trust and intimacy issues, that I HAVE been keeping H at arms length for the course of our M, that I HAVE been waiting ALL ALONG for H. to cheat and then leave me 'cause I'd convinced myself that I DESERVED to be hurt then left.
Have made the leap to Piecing after recognizing that the things that I CAN control are my own actions -- my desire to love and appreciate my H and M, my desire to learn how to satisfy H's needs, my desire to stop treating myself as damaged goods. What I CANNOT control is H. And I CANNOT control whether or not I will be lied to and hurt. I cannot live my life any longer expecting the worst to happen. I must chose to live it with an open heart.
Found DB/DR in 12/02 and have been DB'ing since. Identified 180s pretty easily and learned quickly to shut up, listen and stop trying to control everything. H. has been very reponsive to efforts and has become very loving and attentive.
The biggest thing I run into now is not knowing whether H and ow are still in contact. H's actions are very positive and loving but he has struggled with the words of reassurance. I've been having a very hard time dealing with that but have also recognized (through DB'ing and IC) that I DO have trust and intimacy issues, that I HAVE been keeping H at arms length for the course of our M, that I HAVE been waiting ALL ALONG for H. to cheat and then leave me 'cause I'd convinced myself that I DESERVED to be hurt then left.
Have made the leap to Piecing after recognizing that the things that I CAN control are my own actions -- my desire to love and appreciate my H and M, my desire to learn how to satisfy H's needs, my desire to stop treating myself as damaged goods. What I CANNOT control is H. And I CANNOT control whether or not I will be lied to and hurt. I cannot live my life any longer expecting the worst to happen. I must chose to live it with an open heart.
THIS mantra hasn’t changed in 1.5 years!:
Quote: I need to keep focusing on the behavior that works -- talking less, listening more, not controlling (or trying to control) H. out of fear, remaining calm, acting "as if", not questioning H.
A post after a big blip in the road for us (3/19/03):
Quote: I reiterated what I said before -- that I was often confused about what had happened and that I felt like if I didn't understand the root cause, I didn't know how to keep it from happening again. H. said that he didn't think that it was that logical -- that the A wasn't the "thing" but that we were too different -- that I was always "analyzing and chewing things into little bits" and that he was more relaxed and able to just let stuff be. He said that I was always reading books and listening to tapes to find "the answer". And that he didn't think that I would ever be happy.
we talked a bit about what life was like before the A and he said that I always seemed so unhappy and searching and expecting something from him. He said that one of the reasons that he thinks he had the A was that I kept acting like he was cheating on me -- mistrustful and suspicious -- and he says he thinks there was a part of him that wanted to just "give you what you were looking for". I agreed with him that I had been unhappy, that I was always looking for the other shoe to drop, that I had been so afraid and confused and that in my fear, had tried to control and manipulate him.
Without sounding angry, he just sounded resigned that the M. was over -- due to our "differences" in personality. He said that neither one of us was bad or broken but that he didn't see how we could ever make it work and that he would "kill himself" if we were still having this same conversation at 65. He said that he's known me forever and that things will never change.
I asked him if he had seen changes in us over the last few months because I certainly had. I told him how much I appreciated his efforts at our M. and he said that he had done it consciously that he had decided to "love me as much as" he could "to see if it would help but it didn't". I told him that when I could see through my fears over the last few months, that I've had many joyful moments with him. He said something like "I haven't really done much" and I responded with a list of the small things that he's been doing (meeting me at the door, making plans for us, calling just to chat, the surprise events, etc) that have meant so much.
He said that he feels an undercurrent of anxiety from me and that he can't live his life wondering if tonight is the night when his wife is going to burst into tears. I told him that he was right about the anxiety and that a lot of it was based in not feeling as though we could talk about his A. I asked him when the A started and he said sometime last spring but he didn't have "an anniversary date". He said that he knew that it was wrong and that early on he told ow that it would be over some day. He said that because he said that over and over to her that by the time I found out and the A ended, that he had already detached and it didn't feel like a big deal to him to end it. I made some comment like "well, she was a big part of your life" and he said "I don't know if this makes it worse but she wasn't.". I made some not-very-nice comment about why her and he said "why not her? do you think I'd pick someone like you? she's nothing like you" I asked what that meant and he said "she doesn't over analyze anything. and she doesn't have your 'towering intellect'" (note that this was said without sarcasm -- I'm assuming it's not my brainpower that irks H. but how I use it!) When we went to bed, he told me that he loved me, was affectionate (holding my hand) as we were falling asleep. This morning I got a quick hug in bed (I love those!) and we went to a 6am spinning class together. When we got home and were standing around the kitchen, H. thanked me for the conversation of last night and thanked me for "hearing through" his convoluted way of conversing. I told him that the conversation hadn't seemed convoluted at all and that I really appreciated him talking with me so honestly.
So. Where are we now? Well, it's clear to me that I need to keep doing the work on myself that I was doing -- for me, for H., for M. It's also pretty clear to me that I need to work on how to communicate my feelings without them being a "monkey wrench" in the system (or a major blowup). I need to let go of A. I need to stop aplogizing for who I am. And, I need to work on striving for my happiness.
I also think that H. and I are doing the right things in our M. for the most part. The going out, the intimacy, the element of surprise, the celebration of our love, etc. I have to "relax into it" as I've said before -- but, I knew that!
I love that my H. put his mind to loving me as much as he could -- I'm feeling good that last night's conversation didn't derail that effort as painful and scary as it was.
A place I visit on occasion:
Quote: I'm still struggling with just giving up control of this (obviously). I can feel the resistance here and I know that it is doing absolutely nothign to getting me toward my goal of a loving and stable M. I'm tired of basing how I feel about myself and my M. on how H. has behaved that day OR on how I've interpreted his behavior. Isn't he entitled to off moments? Aren't I? I read over my thread and thing "wow, there's so much good here" and then I get stuck in "does he love me. does he want me. how could he hurt me that way. why is he so intolerant of the time it's taking me/us to heal." etc.
Some more thoughts:
Quote: My H. has shown me over the last few months that he IS willing to be an equal partner in this M. So many of the behaviors that felt unbearable to me (withholding, not interested in our future, not interested in the house, cleaning, our finances, etc) are gone.
Do you ever ask yourself this question -- if I won the lottery tomorrow, would I stay married? 8 months ago I think I would have wavered on the answer -- (note that my M. isn't about money the lottery aspect is just to imply that I could create a new life anywhere, anyhow). Asking myself that question today, the answer is a solid YES.
He is present. He is trying every day. He has unblocked so many of his issues -- all of them? probably not -- but he is acting invested in our M. in a way that he never has.
If I stay mired in this state, I will lose what I have wanted. I believe that I WILL drive him away. Not that it isn't fair to be sad and angry during the healing process. Of course it is, but, I'm stuck way more than he is right now.
My H wants a M that is relaxed and loving and unchaotic. For a long time, my anger was centered around the fact that he seemed unable to connect with me -- so much of that seems to be gone -- and yet my anger remains.
I'm not beating myself up here -- I just came to the recognition today that I need to strengthen myself. I need to get away from the fear and anxiety which clouds my days.
Wise words from kml:
Quote: As for your "sabotaging" emotions - i think it's common at this point, after the focus shifts a little from all our goal-oriented DBing, we have to deal with some of the painful emotions we had to stuff down (and that our H's may still not be up to dealing with). Also - it's scary to be vulnerable in the R again. I find exercise helps, the "stop sign" technique helps, and spending lots of quality time together helps. I seem most vulnerable when we drift back into our busy routine and aren't really "connecting" as much during the day - I am still rather dependent on hearing those positive affirmations from my H. Fortunately my H's business schedule gave us several weekends away just when we needed them the most.
I found this interesting (I had forgotten I had written this…)
Quote: During meditation this morning, I realized that one of the things that I yearn for with H. is to feel "needed" by him. I don't really -- I'm not overtly a confidant for him or a guide. This is just FYI -- I don't think it's a good or bad thing that I've identified this -- it was just the first time it occurred to me that sometimes when I feel sad it's due to that feeling. An important note to me is that H. may need me in a thousand different ways that I do not recognize. Another important note is that the way that he loves me is whole, unique and just right. I do not need to look for more than that. I'm not sure I'm making sense -- just journalling!!!
One thing that’s true is that I’m still sad/afraid at how quickly h can return to “I want a D” when things get tense between us. I do still feel sometimes like I’m untethered…like he finds it easy to return to “go it alone mode”. I’d be lying if I said that that doesn’t bother me in many ways…
Ah, questions…:
Quote: Why do I find myself back with the fear and the closed heart over things that I cannot control?
Why can't I remember how I've been yearning for the return of my romantic and loving partner and that this does NOTHING to get me there?
Why can't I let go of stuff that I know NOTHING about? And never will?
And… I am allowing my insecurities and mistrust and fears to get the better of me. This is crazy! I cannot control this. I have no reason to think that ANYTHING untoward is going on. And yet, I put myself back in this cheeseless tunnel again and again. I have to stop doing this to myself.
More…
How can I stop screwing myself up all of the time? Is it just going to be this iterative process of making mistakes and recovering? Maybe I need to read dr again. No doubt I need to put some goals down on paper. I just keep falling back into the same old trap of obsessing over stuff -- not treating him as a friend, not valuing what he's offering, not trusting him, not hearing what he's saying.
so much good stuff goes on here and yet I end up messing up over and over and over.
Here’s a snapshot of where I thought things were 4/1/03:
Quote: What's really gotten better: H is much more loving and affectionate with me
H is MUCH more interested in our life together (house, finances, etc)
H seems much happier with himself and with me
H is much more romantic with me
I am a much better listener (and H. is talking a lot more)
I have identified some areas w/in myself that are in need of, say, focus
I am less controlling of H. than I used to be (much less inclined to try to direct him in terms of job, etc)
I have a clearer picture of the things that interest H.
I have stopped taking my M and H for granted.
I have invested time and energy into understanding myself, understanding H and our M
I am able to notice positive things in our M more readily (this still need more focus)
I am able to hear the different ways/languages that H. uses to tell me that he loves me
H. and I have successfully talked about more than one difficult topic
All in all, H is significantly more loving and interested in me and our M than ever. And, I have taken the time to see and appreciate that!
What still needs work: Banishing thoughts of OW (still, getting lots better)
Working on my own demons -- abandonment, mistrust, fear
Working on stopping my tacit attempts to control H
Working on not seeking the negative in the face of all the positives
Working on not creating crises just because they are my comfort zone
Working on self-managing my feelings when they make sense
Working on bringing up my feelings with H. in a timely fashion (as opposed to freaking out)
Working on distracting myself from negative thoughts, assumptions
Working on NOT mind-reading and NOT expecting H. to mind read
Working on believing good things about H. and about our M.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
