Looking backward...but only to move forward

[sage]

More stuff from my third thread...

Some more thoughts around the EA and the aftermath:
What I'm actually wondering is if it wasn't the unconditional love that ow gave him that H. craves. I've never been able to relax and truly love him -- I mean, really love him, in the way that he's wanted. I think partly because I always felt as though he was going to leave me so I was always "on guard". Now, of course, just when it feels almost impossible for me to love unconditionally, I think that may be the unblocker for us -- but it's SO hard for me to break free of my fears and insecurities.

I DO know a few things that seem to fill H's love bucket -- time with me (even just sitting watching TV), activities together (movies, dinner, hikes) and sex H. also surprised me with an evening out last week so I asked him if he liked surprises -- he said yes so I'm taking him out this weds!

WOW! A moment of clarity:

I realized yesterday that I need to believe that no matter what, I will have the kind of relationship that I want -- faithful, intimate, true. And I also know that I do many things currently that prevent that relationship in my life.

The most important step I could take in my M. would be to love my H. unconditionally and without fear.

I listened to a lot of books on tape during DB'ing...I'm not a huge fan of the radio and I find the differing opinions on what makes us tick interesting (h sees it differently! )

Dr. Phil holds up the mirror:

As for me, I was sad too -- cried on the way home from dinner (I was alone in my car! No bad DB'ing there!). I was listening to Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue yesterday AM and he talks about these "negative spirits" that one can have -- when he described the "unforgiving" one, I realized that my harping on the A. with H (the every three week or so freak out at him that I need reassurance) is a definite sign that I haven't forgiven him. I realized the other day that I think I bring up the A. both to get reassurance but also to have a "semi-outlet" for my residual anger at H. In other words, I bring it up as a means to hurt him (subconsciously!). Egads.

THEN, Dr. Phil described the "bottomless pit" spirit which is essentially the "insecure" one and it described me to a tee -- Never feeling satisfied, never feeling as though I have "enough", using tears and a sense of victimization instead of anger (productive anger that is), not stating my feelings for fear of the response. He talks about how burdensome the "insecure spirit" is on the partner and how it leads to a lack of honesty. Yah, no kidding.

So, I was feeling so sad yesterday for all the ways that I have screwed up. For the ways that I have treated my H. that have left him feeling inadequate, unloving, not good enough. I'm not wallowing in self-pity or insecurity here (well...maybe I was yesterday). I'm just recognizing how I've treated him -- hell, how I'm STILL treating him and I'm mad as hell at myself. What to do???

More thoughts on “relationship rescue”

I continued listening to "relationship rescue" this morning and am really enjoying the bluntness of it. As I mentioned yesterday, I'm so sad sometimes about the stuff that I have screwed up in this M. It's absolutely astonishing to me how poorly I've treated my H. under the guise of being "independent and unhurtable" (ha). My efforts to keep myself protected were done in "self-offense" and without being personal to H. but I can see so clearly now how much I must have hurt him and his spirit. Even just the last few weeks of dismissing his love for me....I'm grateful for what seems to be another chance from him and I hope that I am mindful enough to embrace it.

Kind words from Jim (Umbrella 24) when I really needed them…

Let's face it, it's going to take time, for both of you. Your H is working very hard, for whatever that's worth. Keep doing what you're doing, it's working like a charm. Enjoy your time together. There are good things to think about, which is displayed in the majority of your posts. Try dwelling on those when the doubts and insecurities of OW creep into your mind. Sage, you are a TERRIFIC person, and the OW can't even approach what you're capable of. Unfortunately, your H had to find this out the hard way, and ended up hurting you in the process. I read on another thread that the OM/OW may have taken their body, but they could never take their soul. I don't know if that helps you are not.

Sage getting her head screwed back on straight:

So...where is my fear?

1. That it's all a sham and he is lying to me -- this I CANNOT control

2. That he will change his mind and no longer love me -- this I CANNOT control

3. That I am unable to love him back, that I am broken, that I am incapable of showing love in a true, intimate and committed way -- this I CAN control

4. That all the things I did to "break" the M. still exist within me -- this I CAN control

5. That I will never understand what he needs and wants. That I will never know how to love him in a way that is satisfying to him. -- This I CAN control

Message? I'm gonna work on the things I CAN control -- and, drumroll please, I'm gonna do it over in Piecing! Jumping in here with both feet, an open mind, and a respect for everything that H. is doing to mend our M.

And with that, I was on my way to Piecing!

Sage