Quote: Something I have to remember: I AM seeking to control him in an effort to control my fears and that just won't work for either of us!
Here's a paragraph that describes an interaction I had with h...to me it's a classic interaction...he gives such clear clues about what works for him in communication and I ignore them! (well, except in hindsight...)
Quote: Good input from h about what NOT to do when bringing up tough stuff with him: I started off by telling him that I'd been having a hard time lately "in my head" -- nothing having to do with him and the way that he's been. I said he had been great -- warm and open with me but that I still found myself mired in insecurity on occasion -- feeling as though I couldn't compete with ow, that I wasn't good enough, etc.
He asked what he could do to help and I probably shouldn't have said it but I said that it troubled me a great deal that he had never told me outright that the A. was over, that he and ow were not in contact and that it would never happen again. no real response.
I told him that it still worried me at times that they are emailing or calling or IM'ing. and he said "we're not." uh, ok.
I was silent for a bit and I said "why is it so hard for you to say this? when it's this hard for you it makes me feel as though it's because it's not true that it's over". And he said, "How was I supposed to know that this was what you needed?" (ok, valid point) and I said "good point. I guess I'm just assuming you would know because if the tables were turned, there would be nothing I could do to stop myself from verbally reassuring you."
He started getting stressed, said he didn't want to talk about it right now -- that I had blindsided him, not given him a chance to think. That he wanted to talk about it later and not on the phone. But then he said he didn't know why I bottled everything up inside and didn't just tell him how I feel when I feel it instead of letting it all come out at once.
Great advice from Acorn:
Quote:
It is so important to quit worrying about the A. Your H will be unhappy in the M if he constantly feels mistrusted, or that he needs to continue to do pennance. Not fun. Not fair for someone you love. H has chosen you, H is doing tons of stuff to show you his love and improve your R. Let it be enough.
It really is your choice to forgive and trust. I know it doesn't seem like it. But I didn't fully forgive and trust H for some old stuff, and now I do. And, I now know it was my choice all along. Not doing so is punishing. The little breakdown of yours will repeat and repeat and undo all the good. Get that stop sign in your head. Carry a 2x4 around with you.
One of the things that really worked for me was coming up with 180s (hmmmm...I think I could use a few right now!) Here's how I did it...
Quote: HERE’s a list I used to help me identify 180s…it was the WORST things I thought that h would say in his most unbridled moments…
So....here's a list of behaviors that I would ascribe to myself or think H. would ascribe to me (note that these are the EXTREMES of behaviors -- I don't think I'm ALWAYS like this...)
Lacking confidence in our relationship Lacking confidence in myself as a loveable person Clingy Needing constant reassurance that everything is OK Needing reassurance that A. is over Comparing myself unfavorably to ow Critical of H. in terms of how he shows love to me Insecure Anxious Suspicious Nosy Untrusting Never satisfied Pushy Self-righteous (that A. is ongoing) Disbelieving in what is being said and what is being done Always questioning Mired in either the past or the future Afraid
I would take the top five issues and put actions around it (iow, h will think I'm controlling when I ....) and then I turned those actions around!
Ever the GOAL oriented DB'er, here's another goal I used...
Quote: Goal: I will get through my next phase of insecurity without bringing up ow or A with H.
The purpose of this goal is to address the fact that things will be going well for a few weeks, then I start feeling super insecure and freak out on H., then things take a few big steps back, etc. I'm also finding myself this past week somewhat leery and uncomfortable and feeling as tho' H. is more distant than usual -- then I get into the "which came first" scenario of "am I uncomfortable and leery because he's more distant or is he more distant because...?"
What steps will I take to get there?
* I will journal my thoughts instead of letting them build up
* I will act "as if" with H.
* I will plan a social activity (movie is best bet here) if I'm struggling. Seems as though lots of times my insecure phases coincide with not enough activity between us
* I will NOT send leading e-mails, e-cards or initiate phone calls when I'm feeling insecure. Eventually I hope to be able to talk with him during these times but for now, I can see that I set up scenarios with "one right response" and freak out if I don't get it
* I will not snoop
* I will practice "thought" techniques -- I'll try meditation if I can and "thought stopping" if I can't
* I'll identify what's REALLY bothering me. What I'm finding is that I get anxious when something's going on that I can't control. So, if I'm feeling out of control or scared or whatever, so be it, I can sit with those feelings through identifying with them and moving on
* I'll remember that I don't have to solve every problem and address every thought when it happens
* I stay in the present -- lots of time my anxiety is worked up by my reflecting on bad history or projecting bad scenarios into the future
* I'll allow myself the possibility that I may need to spend time alone in lieu of trying to manage myself perfectly around H.
* I will remember to exercise, eat well, not drink too much and be sure to get enough sleep when I'm feeling vulnerable
* I will remind myself over and over and over that I AM loveable, that I AM worthy, that I WILL have a loving, committed, faithful and intimate relationship in my life.
Actually, boiling this down might make more sense (not going to rewrite above)...
* If I CAN be with H. during the tough time, plan something OUT of the house -- movie, hike, etc
* If I don't feel as though I CAN be with H., plan something social for myself
* Take good care of myself (exercise, eat right, etc)
* Use calming techniques and thoughts to stay present. Remind myself often that I am a good person and that I will have a faithful and loving relationship.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
