Looking backward...but only to move forward

[sage]

And finally....My first list of “what works and what doesn’t” (posted 2/13/03) – amazing how so much is still true!!!:

What works (things that get us into a good state):

* Social activities -- movies, dinner, hiking, working out together

* Playing games -- we just started playing chess again and I think that's going to be good fun. H. is also really interested in sports and war computer games -- but I still can't give him any reasonable competition yet. Gotta find something that I can be ok at.

* Just spending time together -- since I've mellowed a bit and stopped "doing" so much the times that we just sit together (him watching tv, me reading) seems to really generate positive feelings for both of us

* physical touch -- holding hands, him touching my hair, touching feet in bed, sex -- all of those things foster a greater sense of intimacy

* rituals -- we've got a few different rituals that come and go but they're usually good at bringing us together

* champagne at home

* "drinks" out together -- I'm separating this from just regular social stuff because there seems to be something special when we go out for drinks and appetizers

* Talking about sports (and acutally, my increased interest in going to sporting events)

What doesn't work

* My current method of striking up an important conversation
I stew for a long time before bringing stuff up

I bring stuff up at inopportune moments (late at night, before we're heading out for something fun)

I lump a bunch of conversations together into one

I start the conversation convinced that it will not go well

I am not clear on the goal of the conversation

I "ambush" H. by not letting him know I have something I want to talk about

* When I'm feeling insecure and need reassurance, I set H. up by doing something (sending an e-card, etc) that has a single "desired" response and then get peeved when I don't get the response

* Actually, in general, my having an "expectation" for a desired response doesn't seem to work well at all...

* The cycle of my questioning H. about A or ow and the cycle of him defending himself by lying

* My snooping (I'm coming to realize that this is an attempt by me to minimize my anxiety by FINDING something. I do it ONLY when I'm really anxious and stressed out right now. I also create "movies" in my head about terrible things happening when I'm anxious or stressed)

Sage