Looking backward...but only to move forward

[sage]

More stuff from my second thread...

Goals continued to be a key motivator for me during my second thread…aside from the communication goal already posted, I had these two as well:

Goal # 2 -- I will work to increase the emotional and physical satisfaction in our M. for both H. and me


How will I know?:
I will feel content and secure w/in my M.

I will feel more confident that I am a satisfying (emotionally and physically) partner

I will stop obsessing about the OW and comparing myself unfavorably to her

I will feel as though my physical and emotional needs are being met w/in my M.

H. will be loving to me (through words, physical touch and actions)

H. will no longer seek to fufill significant emotional needs and physical needs outside of the M.

What steps will I take to get there?:

I will approach each day as a new beginning for loving H. and appreciating our M.

I will note and journal at least 3 things each day that H. does that are loving.

I will lighten up!!! I will laugh more often and stop taking H's ribbing so seriously

I will plan 2 things to do each week (dates in or out)

I will make a list of interests/"acts of service"/gifts which I can use to surprise H.

I will declutter house at least 1 hour (total time) a week

I will review arts/movie/music listings each week for interesting items and suggest them

I will cook 1 new recipe a week

I will give H. positive reinforcement when he meets my needs

I will use a combination of physical touch/acts of service and words of affirmation to convey love (small gifts may work too)

I will shut off the negative voice w/in my head

I will keep a list of "lessons learned" when H. gives me feedback

I will increase my confidence re. physical intimacy in a variety of ways that I will not publish here

I will do my "DB'ing" w/o "expectations". I'll monitor results but not make each encounter laden with expectation

I will use my strength of researching to identify areas of interest -- baseball, cooperstown, hiking, orienteering, WW1 and 2, games (chess, war games, etc), law, movies, restaurants, music, sports in general and use this info to plan activities, hold conversations, etc.



Goal # 3 -- I will keep my PMA high and my live my life fully


How will I know?:
I will stop feeling anxious/panicky

I will stop obsessing about ow

I will laugh more, feel happier, share more joy

I will feel as though I am being true to myself, my desires, my values


What steps will I take to get there?:

I will continue to meditate daily

I will continue to exercise 5-7x a week (weights, cardio, yoga)

I will continue to eat healthily

I will continue to explore Buddhism, mindfulness, compassion training through reading and audiobooks

I will carve off time for schoolwork and be clear about my needs in that area

I will continue counseling in an effort to identify strategies to improve my PMA

I will use mind techniques to stop obsessing about ow (starting NOW I'm no longer capitalizing her "name". She is reduced in significance!!!)

I will develop a set of coping strategies for difficult times

I will continue to take vitamins

I will recommit to my daily job but begin looking for a job that is more in line with my interests

I will cut myself more slack. I am doing the best I can each day.

Lofty, huh??? When I wasn’t being incredibly verbose about my goals, I was able to distill them into three simple sentences:

At a minimum, I feel as though I really need to:

-- Continue working on communication techniques (listening, focusing, not editing, etc)

-- Continue noting and appreciating H's affection and send HIM love messages in HIS preferred style

-- Keep up my PMA (through relinquishing thoughts of ow, etc)

Individual counseling was helpful to me for a while…here are some of the things I identified:

I had a great counseling session last night. We've been talking about how detached I've been from the good stuff in my M. and my intimacy with H. for probably my whole M. This has really come to light for me through my DB efforts. I need a real focus to be appreciating and recognizing H's affection -- I suspect I've always made him feel inadequate in that way -- through my own mistrust and fear.

Anyway, we also worked a bit on this "mind running wild" thing I do re. ow. Simply put, when I start feeling "out of control" w/H, I conjure up this amazing (and devastating) "movie" about him and ow -- either past, present or future. It seems to be my way to get away from the uncomfortable feeling ("I'm scared H. is out with ow", "I'm feeling afraid of being alone", whatever) and putting in its place a MUCH WORSE feeling but one that I CONTROL -- Not sure any of this makes sense but I've got something to work on...not necessarily putting up a "stop sign" when I feel uncomfortable, insecure, unsure, but, noting the feeling, facing it WITHOUT creating some elaborate scenario to go along with it.

Reacting well to h when he is quiet has always been a struggle for me…here’s a funny post about how I was learning to handle this:

Since the minute I got home last night, H. seemed slightly sad/withdrawn. It wasn't overt in his actions per se, but just this sense, this aura around him that he was sad about something. Historically, this is the kind of thing that doesn't go great for us -- I sense (rightly or wrongly) that something is amiss for him, I ask, he says nothings wrong, I don't believe him, etc. So, either nothing IS wrong and I torture him or something IS wrong and he doesn't care to share it with me (and I torture him).

What I did OK in response:
1. I didn't ask if something was bothering him directly. (This is a 180 for me). At one point he mentioned "If I ever get a job" and I said "are you feeling depressed or sad about not having one yet?" and he said no (and that he needed to take a more "forceful" approach to looking) but that was as far as I took it with questions.

2. I didn't spend a lot of time creating a "movie" in my head about WHY he MUST be sad. Normally, this would be the time when I would spin off some elaborate tale about why he must be sad -- the more tragic and victimizing to me the better. Last night, I won't say I didn't think about it at all -- but I didn't create anything elaborate in my head.

What I didn't do well:
1. I withdrew emotionally from him. I was so busy "watching" him to gauge his responses and got somewhat wrapped up in my own response that I really felt pretty reserved. I wasn't overtly rude or mean or anything like that! But, I was really mentally acting like a third party trying to watch and figure out the sitch. I didn't really feel present in what was going on. By the end of the evening, I was feeling a lot of emotions inside -- sad, mistrusted, left out, lonely, frustrated, out of control, afraid. Again, I didn't use my common defense mechanism and spin a yarn. Instead, I lay in bed and tried to name the feelings I was having. I did shed a few silent tears.

What I'm going to try next time:

I've tried pursuing. I've tried withdrawing. I've tried anger. I've tried a whole host of other not so great behaviors. What I haven't tried is being present and being accepting of H. I haven't tried being warm and loving and accepting and releasing my thoughts.

Actions:
1. I will give H. physical warmth through a genuine hug, genuine touches, etc.

2. I will be loving and upbeat, through conversation and touch. (I will act "as if" if need be)

3. I will remain present -- not escaping into my thoughts of "what is wrong here? how can I fix this?". I will listen to what he is saying/doing and stop the running commentary

4. I will release my thoughts -- of needing to fix what may (or may not) be broken; of ASSuming that his sadness is related to ow, etc. Of even ASSuming that he's sad (or whatever) at all.

Sage