Looking backward...but only to move forward

[sage]

I had a session with a DB counselor early on and found it a wonderful way to crystallize my thoughts...here's what I jotted down...

1. H. and I have an excellent "social connection" -- we enjoy spending time together going to movies, dinners, etc. Use THAT connection as a way to build intimacy, move the R. forward (note: get concrete on what that means in terms of actions).

2. My big blow-up last week was a result of not managing my insecurites/feelings about OW in general and state of M. in particular. Come up with a list of concrete activities which I can use to deescalate my anxiety (note: post to BB, do yoga, meditate, use the "24 hour" rule, have a diet pepsi or piece of candy! etc)

3. I'm having trouble believing my H. and the good things that are happening because I focus on "how can he say these things to me if she's still in the picture?"

4. re. #3, I need to STOP using the OW as a barometer for "what's working". Simply put, OW is NOT going anywhere anytime soon so her continued presence in our M. can NOT be used as a sign that things aren't going well (otherwise I'll never make any progress!)

5. If I were to act "as if" I believed my H.'s affection towards me I would be warm and loving in conversation, I would NOT hesitate to reply lovingly (the hesistation is when I'm playing the OW tape in my head)

6. The fact is that I'm going to have to fake my faith in him and our M. for a while. It will feel mechanical and like I'm micromanaging my reactions. That doesn't mean that it's not working.

7. I need to somehow find the faith that giving my love to him w/o regard for how it comes back to me is good for me and my being.

8. I cannot make a judgement on how the M. is working based on OW's presence

9. I want H. to feel safe and loved by me. I suspect that that is a big issue in our M. right now. If he felt safe he would be physically relaxed around me, physically affectionate.

10. I need to a) develop a plan on how to manage my feelings b) not use OW as a barometer c) return to the things that were working before blowup d) Behave as I did when my marriage felt wonderful to me

11. When thoughts of OW creep into my head, I should use a single lovely image (a good time with H., a comforting place, a prayer or mantra, etc) as a positive vision instead.

12. Use the pain of friday's blowup and its aftermath to keep me from obsessing about OW.

13. Things that were working: a) reducing criticism and controlling b) really listening c) affirmations (note: figure out what this means for H.)

14. Figure out the things that make H. feel loved and safe -- try some things out

15. Verbal affirmations don't work with him (are not primary love language). Physical touch is important to him as is quality time and acts of service.

BTW, I'm not so sure #15 is actually TRUE! while WOA aren't his primary LL they ARE important to him!

Sage